Rock Bottom

On Thanksgiving I said it was a year ago that I hit my rock bottom but I didnt go into what happened. Today I think I have the courage to talk about it, so Im going to do it before I change my mind.
Over the course of 2008 I was using a "back injury" from when I ran into the semi to get constant prescriptions of Lortab, Soma and Ultram. When I was on Soma my family could usually tell I was high, but when I took the other things without the Soma they usually couldnt tell. I got to the point where the Lortab or Ultram alone werent enough so I was drinking wine to add to the effect. I was stupid because I know people can smell alcohol, but I could never smell it so I thought I was ok.
On Thanksgiving day we always go around the room saying what we are grateful for. My Dad said he was grateful I was doing so well. I had been drinking that morning, but I guess people couldnt tell, so I just played along. If I remember correctly, I even think I got teary eyed.
That Saturday was supposed to be a big day for me. My sister in law is a huge FSU fan (who knew I would be one day too) and it was the FSU vs UF game that day. So, we all went to my Brother and sister-in-laws house to watch the game. I had Lortab, which I took throughout the day. After the game, my siblings were finally going to trust me with their kids. They were going to bring all of the kids (ages 11, two 8 year olds, and two 2 year olds) except the newborn to my house to have pizza, watch movies and put up my Christmas decorations. They were going to use the opportunity as a date night.
After the game I had a decision to make. I could stay at my brothers until it was time for the kids to come over, or I could go home and get ready for them (or at least that is what I told my family). I decided to go home. Dont get me wrong, I did get ready for them. I bought lots of treats, Christmas movies, and got out all of my Christmas Decorations. But, I also went to the liquor store and bought two bottles of wine.
I went home and took some Lortab and drank quite a bit of the wine. I remember vacuuming and turning on a candle, but that is all I remember. Bits and pieces start to come back to me. But, from what I have been told, my nephews (the three older kids) came running into my house excited to spend the evening at Aunt Jami's. To this day I dont know how the door was unlocked, but it was, and sadly the three boys were the first to come in. They found me in a heap, on the floor at the bottom of the stairs. I guess I was crying and saying I just wanted to die. I do remember my brother coming in, yelling at the boys to get out, and then going outside and yelling at my sister and brother in law not to let the kids come in.
I ended up riding in an ambulance to the hospital and spending the night. My blood alcohol at the hospital was .4. Yes, you read that right .4. I should have been dead with a blood alcohol that high, not to mention the Lortab I had taken (I have no idea how many I had taken). Talk about rock bottom. The next morning when I woke up I remembered the girl who had taken my blood at the hospital was in my singles ward, and I knew I had to face my Dad.
My Dad took me home and he didnt yell at me or chastise me. He did the best thing he could have possibly done, he let me feel the guilt of what had happened. He told me the boys had found me, and he told me they were so scared, they wouldnt sleep in their own beds. They slept in their parents bedrooms. When we got home, he put the two now empty bottles of wine next to a box I had made for a family home evening that said "No empty Chairs" (signifying our family circle in the Celestial Kingdom). He told me to sear it into my brain. It is still there to this day.
I am embarrassed, humiliated and disgusted by what I did more than I can ever put into words. My nephews, especially my oldest nephew, were scared to death of me for months. It literally made them sick to have to look at me, as it should have. The children I love most in this world saw me at my lowest. Luckily, my brothers and sisters were so good at explaining to them that I had a disease, and that I did love them. They were a huge support to me while I went through treatment and they still are now. I know I was saved for a reason. I should have been dead (a girl who ways 110 pounds with a blood alcohol of .4 should not live, period), and I try to remember that every day. I was given a second chance, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Everyone's rock bottom is different, this is mine. I will talk about my addict thinking with the whole situation later, but to be honest, I am upset at having written this down. So, I think this is enough for today. A little at a time. Just for today I will realize everything happens for a reason, and I am a stronger person because of it.
Love,
Jami

So Excited

Im headed to Utah tomorrow. My brother is coming home from his mission. Im so excited to see him. He isnt aware of anything that has happened with me and my addiction while he has been gone. I dont think he thought I was clean when he left, but I wasnt bad. He doesnt know how bad things got, that I went back to treatment, or that I have been clean for almost ten months.
Im curious to see if he notices the changes in me. I know the rest of my family has.
So, Im sorry this is short, but I have so much to do today. I promise to write again when I get back. We are also going to my sisters nursing school graduation while we are there and it is my Belly Button birthday on friday (the big 30) so we will be busy, and I am SO excited! This is my Christmas trip so I plan to take full advantage of the time since we wont be there for Christmas. I just wanted to let you all know I am still here, still clean, and still living my life, one day at a time.
Love,
Jami

A day to Truly be Thankful

What a difference a year makes!! As I was laying in bed last night I couldnt help but reflect on where I am today, what I have to be thankful for, and the difference in my life from a year ago. See, it was a year ago this weekend that my world literally collapsed. A year ago this weekend I made some choices that changed lives, altered views and made my young nephews grow up really fast with the things they witnessed.
So today, I am thankful, no GRATEFUL for rock bottoms. I am grateful I hit mine without killing anyone or physically harming anyone (mentally and spiritually is a different story.) I am grateful I hit my bottom so I could start that long, hard climb back up to the top. I'm on my way. I have broken nails, scraped knees and knuckles and Ive hit some bumps, but Im making the climb, and I can finally see the top!!
I'm grateful to my family for loving me unconditionally (sometimes from a distance but loving me nonetheless). I'm grateful that they had faith in me when I didnt even have faith in myself. They knew Jami was in there somewhere, fighting to get out, and I am so grateful that they saw that. Addiction is such a selfish disease, and too many times the family suffers just as much (if not more) than the addict does. Im ashamed that I hurt my family so bad, but I am so grateful they never gave up on me, they never quit praying for me, and they never quit believing in me. I hope they know how much I truly love them!!
I'm grateful for trust. Both the trust I lost and the trust I am gaining back. I am grateful to be at a point where people can start to trust me again. It is a wonderful thing to be trusted, something I will never take for granted! Some of the sweetest words are "I trust you!"
On the other side of that, I am grateful for boundaries (I never thought I would say that!) Im grateful boundaries were set and when broken, there were consequences. Im grateful decisions were made which in turn made me see I had to make a choice, I had to do the work!
Above all, I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ. I NEVER would have been able to make it out of the depths of despair that I was in without the help of my Savior. He truly does carry you when the burden gets too hard, and He has carried me a long way!! I have felt the arms of my Savior wrap around me numerous times, even in things that seem insignificant. It is a feeling I never want to lose again! I am so grateful to have the knowledge of the Atonement, and to KNOW that it works, there is a plan, and no matter how far down I had let myself go, My Savior was waiting to help me back up.
Last Thanksgiving my Dad said he was proud that I was doing so well. I knew I wasnt. I was just fooling them. I knew I was using, but I played it up. Well this year Dad, this year you can be proud of me, because I am truly CLEAN. This year we can all be grateful for clear eyes and clear minds. Even though I am not able to be with my family this Thanksgiving, I am truly grateful to have a clean and sober Thanksgiving, cause even being across the country they can hear it in my voice, and I am so proud of where I am today. For that, I am thankful!!!
Love,
Jami

Physical Withdrawal

I think I have been in denial for the last few months, and I have finally realized the physical impact of addiction has caught up to me. I dont feel good, and I havent for a good four or five months. I have REALLY been struggling with my health. I have tried really hard to hide it, bury it, rationalize it away, but the truth is, my body is still going through withdrawals. I have been struggling with every ailment my body can come up with. Not only do I catch every little thing that goes around, but I am constantly hurting somewhere, or feeling so tired and lethargic that it takes everything I have to get up and move.
As I deal with one headache after another, my husband has been extremely patient. I find myself constantly apologizing, trying to convince him that I really am not sick this much, because really Im not. I have wondered if I have always been sick a lot, but I was just too high to realize it, or if it is really the withdrawals. I have come to the conclusion it is withdrawals. I think my body is both withdrawing, and pushing itself to the limit to try to get the narcotics. I strongly believe my body is addicted to the drugs, remembers that "high" it liked so much, therefore it is doing whatever it takes to try to get that high. Not only is this a constant battle with my mind, but subconsciously, it is a battle with my physical body.
I am afraid my headaches will get to that breaking point where I cant take it anymore, and my body will realize that (does that make sense?) and push me to that limit. Because I will be honest, I am an addict, but I am also human and there is a certain point where I cant stand it anymore. I know many people think we should just deal with it, that I am the one who chose to be an addict so I deserve to have to deal with the pain. But I dont know at what point I will break, and I dont want to break.
I have spoken to my husband and my Dad about it. They both worry. My husband worries a lot, and I am glad we are able to talk about it. Luckily they both validate for me that I am not crazy. That withdrawal and physical illness like this is "normal" for an addict. But they also helped me validate something else, something I didnt quite see. I am not feeling well physically because I am fighting (and winning) the battle of my life. If I continue this battle one day at a time, even if I feel like crap, it is one more day under my belt. I am in this for the long haul. Hopefully it gets better. I know it will. I also know it can take years before I feel 100%, but today I am one day closer. So just for today I can take it so bring it on!!
Love,
Jami

A concert and A Memory

Hi Y'all. Im still here. I apologize I havent written for a couple of weeks. My husband bought me a plane ticket and I got to go on a much needed trip to Utah. I really missed my family and it was nice to spend a week with them. Since I have been home (with my husband), between computer problems and bronchitis I havent had the chance to post, and I apologize. We are still having computer problems, so I apologize if it takes a while again after this, but hopefully it wont!
I really struggle back and forth a lot with what to post lately. Ideas for posts dont come so readily, and I am still pretty hesitant to say a lot about my past on here. I have a hard time remembering specific things, although I do remember when I see pictures, or remember specific events.
For instance, I was able to go to a Marvin Goldstein (Love him!) piano concert with my husband on Thursday night (my husband was a good sport and "suffered" through it for me.) As I sat and listened to the piano, my mind wandered to other events like this. I was thinking about how nice it was going to be that I would remember this concert because I cant remember a lot of events from before when I was using. The specific one that came to mind was Riverdance. We got tickets and my whole family was able to go. Unfortunately, I dont remember much of anything that night because I was loaded. I dont remember my family specifically accusing me of being high that night (although they very well could have and I dont remember), but I was. I slept through a lot of the performance and I stumbled when I walked. I distinctly remember trying to talk "normal". I remember waking up at one point during the concert and I remember standing outside after the concert. That is all I remember of the whole night. I recall being extrememly embarrassed (sadly, not embarrassed enough) that night and embarrassed for my family. Even now I am sick to my stomach thinking about it. In fact, as I write it, I am humiliated. Extremely humiliated.
In my addict mind, I still think, "maybe my family still doesnt know I was high that night. Maybe it will just add to their disappointment if I write this." Again, that is my addict mind. I think that is why it is so hard for me to talk about my past. I dont want to add to anybodies disappointment or embarrassment for that matter. So, I am trying and more will come out as time goes on. But for today I am taking baby steps.
Love,
Jami
Question: I have been contemplating changing the blog so my name is not involved to add a little more anonymity. Does it help to put a name and a face to the addict, or does it not really make a difference? Please let me know. Thanks!

Playing the Tape all the Way Through

I am fully aware that with the disease of addiction it is an every day battle for recovery. I know this, but it doesnt make it any easier. Ive heard it gets easier as time goes on and I am sure it does. Dont get me wrong, I have had some really good days, in fact way more good days than bad. Many days where addiction doesnt really cross my mind. But then, I have had some bad days.
This past couple of weeks have been a lot more bad days than good. Not BAD as in active addiction bad, but just not good. I have just not felt like myself. Im sure someone not familiar with my situation would not even notice, but I notice. There have been days where I am very irritable (my poor husband), days where I am very lazy, and days where I just want to be done.
There have been two days where I literally felt like crawling out of my skin. I dont know how to describe it, but it feels like I cant relax, I cant think of anything that will calm me down (except a pill of course which is not an option). On those days I finally just cried. Literally sobbed. My poor husband again just holds me, not really understanding where I am coming from, but being there for me none the less.
This is where the thinking of an addict becomes a problem. I can trace back my thoughts to see what got me to that situation. I can see what character defects are out of control enough that I am back in the addict mind frame. When I am feeling this way, I literally have a battle raging in my head. The easiest solution for an addict would be to get some pills (not taking into consideration actually finding a way to get them ie, a doctor, a script, a pharmacy etc.) but the other option is using my tools. To actually step away for a minute and think about where my mind is. Would it really be worth it to take a pill right now? I KNOW how to get out of this mind set, but am I really willing to do it? The pill would be much easier now, but playing the tape all of the way through, it would be a disaster in the end.
So just for today Jami won this battle. I have not won the war by any means, but today I am clean. I have been praying, A LOT. My husband and I have come up with some immediate solutions that I think will help, I have done my inventory thoroughly, and today, I am very proud of who I am. I am "happy in my skin" and looking forward to the future; because I promise you, when I play the tape all the way through, I am much more excited for the ending with a Jami who is clean!
Love,
Jami

Wanting everything to End

I think I am ready to take small steps in regards to talking about my past. I have been struggling with how to do this without hurting those I love. So, in order to do this, I am going to ask that my Grandparents not read this post. My Grandparents have been some of my biggest supporters, and I know they read this blog faithfully. But, I love them too much to have them read about some of the things I have done, yet I know I need to write these things down. So to my Grandparents, please just read my regular blog for now, and just know I love you and I dont want to hurt you any further.
Many "emotions" come with addiction. I say emotions loosely, as I really think as addicts in active addiction we either feel really sad, or just plain sad. I cant say that we really ever feel happy. Most addicts attempt suicide many times. Mostly, we do it to get attention. We think if we "try" to kill ourselves (not really trying, but acting like we are trying) our families will realize how much they have hurt us and they will change things. Because of course in our minds, they are the ones who need to change. (We dont understand that our families are actually praying that we do die at times. That for them it would be easier.) Very rarely do we actually intend on killing ourselves. We may hurt ourselves, but we dont actually want to die.
There are also times when we truly do want to die. We dont feel like we can continue living our lives the way we have been, but we dont see a way out other than death. I know many times I prayed to the Lord to please just let me die. I prayed when I went to sleep at night that I wouldnt wake up the next day. Of course I always woke up.
My "suicide" attempts were always "trying" to overdose. I learned rather quickly that you cant really overdose on Tylenol or Ibuprofen (at least you wont die quickly) and I got really sick of drinking charcoal. I was too much of a wimp to hurt myself in trying any other way.
I can think of only one time when I truly wanted to die. My Dad was out of town on business and I was supposed to be staying with my Mom and Sister. My Mom and Sister found out I had just gotten a prescription, so they told me I couldnt stay there so I had to go home. When I got home I lost it. Literally lost it. I cant remember anything else terrible that was happening in my life, but for some reason I had had enough. I can tell you for the first time ever, I REALLY wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill myself for two reasons (actually three)...First of all, I could no longer live the way I had been living. I was so sick of living that way that I literally could not go on. Secondly, I wanted my family to miss me. I wanted them to feel as bad as I felt, and I thought the only way they would feel that way was if I killed myself. Thirdly, in the complete opposite of that, I did not want my family to have to deal with me anymore. Even though I blamed them, a small part of me knew I was hurting them, and I didnt want to hurt them anymore. This was the only way I knew to fix everything.
I wrote a note. Boy was that note full of hatred, self pity, resentments, finger pointing. Nothing about love or being sorry (except to my dr who was giving me the pills...how messed up is that?) I thought about calling the police to come get my body but I decided against that. I figured it would take a while for my family to even miss me, and I hated my roommate, so I didnt really care if she had to deal with my dead body. In my mind it served her right for being such a witch to me. I had a new prescription of 60 Soma and 60 Lortab so I had plenty of pills to kill me and I can honestly say I wanted to die.
But, I didnt take all of the pills. The addict in me couldnt or wouldnt. See, I knew there was a chance someone would find me before I died and call an ambulance. Then I could possibly be saved. So, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of pills left so if I didnt die for some reason, I wouldnt be without pills. (This sounds so stupid to me now, but it is exactly how the addict mind thinks. As addicts in active addiction we have to plan for these things, we always have to make sure we have pills). I took 15 Soma and 15 Lortab at once (and I know I had taken some before that but I cant remember how many). I should have died. I took the pills and went to sleep. Much to my horror, I woke up the next morning to my phone ringing. It was my boss because I was late for work and they were calling to check up on me. To this day I dont know why I didnt die. I dont know how my body possibly survived all of that medication inside me.
So I woke up, but my desire to die was even worse than it had been the night before. I got ready for work, but I had no intention of working that day. I took another handful of pills and drove toward my work. The place I used to work is close to an industrial area and there are quite a few trains that go through there. So, I decided to park on the train tracks. I knew death would be fast, so I wouldnt feel much pain. I actually drove to the train tracks and stopped my car. The first couple of times I tried it, cars came up behind me so I had to move. The third time I was actually sitting there and saw a train coming, but I couldnt do it. A boy had committed suicide a couple of weeks earlier on the tracks, and I remembered thinking about how bad I felt for the engineer of the train. I didnt want to do that to someone, so I moved again.
But still, I REALLY wanted to die. At this point, my work had continued calling, and I had a couple of friends calling to make sure I was ok. I just lied and told them I was stuck in traffic but I was fine. Then I saw a semi parked on the side of the road and I decided I was going to hit the gas and ram my car into the back of the semi.
Not the most brilliant plan, but I was sure it would work. So, I floored the gas and slammed into the back of the semi. Again, I was fine. My car was crunched and I was hurt a bit, but unfortunately (in my mind) I was alive.
After that didnt work, I figured I just wasnt meant to die that day. A couple of weeks afterward I talked to my Bishop about what happened. He told me someone was watching out for me that day. That I was meant to live because I had something very important to accomplish. A small part of me thinks it may be through this blog that I am fulfilling my mission. I hope so.
I hope this post gives a little bit of insight to where my mind was and how addiction distorts our thinking so much. I know my family was in no way to blame for my behavior, it was not their fault that I felt like I wanted to die, and they did not deserve to be treated the way they were treated. I hope I make that clear when I post, that my thinking was very distorted and not rational at all. I pray that by my telling these personal experiences I am helping someone, hopefully saving someone from making the same mistakes.
Just for today I will realize my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and as long as I am living worthily he will guide me every step of the way!!
Love,
Jami