Playing the Tape all the Way Through

I am fully aware that with the disease of addiction it is an every day battle for recovery. I know this, but it doesnt make it any easier. Ive heard it gets easier as time goes on and I am sure it does. Dont get me wrong, I have had some really good days, in fact way more good days than bad. Many days where addiction doesnt really cross my mind. But then, I have had some bad days.
This past couple of weeks have been a lot more bad days than good. Not BAD as in active addiction bad, but just not good. I have just not felt like myself. Im sure someone not familiar with my situation would not even notice, but I notice. There have been days where I am very irritable (my poor husband), days where I am very lazy, and days where I just want to be done.
There have been two days where I literally felt like crawling out of my skin. I dont know how to describe it, but it feels like I cant relax, I cant think of anything that will calm me down (except a pill of course which is not an option). On those days I finally just cried. Literally sobbed. My poor husband again just holds me, not really understanding where I am coming from, but being there for me none the less.
This is where the thinking of an addict becomes a problem. I can trace back my thoughts to see what got me to that situation. I can see what character defects are out of control enough that I am back in the addict mind frame. When I am feeling this way, I literally have a battle raging in my head. The easiest solution for an addict would be to get some pills (not taking into consideration actually finding a way to get them ie, a doctor, a script, a pharmacy etc.) but the other option is using my tools. To actually step away for a minute and think about where my mind is. Would it really be worth it to take a pill right now? I KNOW how to get out of this mind set, but am I really willing to do it? The pill would be much easier now, but playing the tape all of the way through, it would be a disaster in the end.
So just for today Jami won this battle. I have not won the war by any means, but today I am clean. I have been praying, A LOT. My husband and I have come up with some immediate solutions that I think will help, I have done my inventory thoroughly, and today, I am very proud of who I am. I am "happy in my skin" and looking forward to the future; because I promise you, when I play the tape all the way through, I am much more excited for the ending with a Jami who is clean!
Love,
Jami

Wanting everything to End

I think I am ready to take small steps in regards to talking about my past. I have been struggling with how to do this without hurting those I love. So, in order to do this, I am going to ask that my Grandparents not read this post. My Grandparents have been some of my biggest supporters, and I know they read this blog faithfully. But, I love them too much to have them read about some of the things I have done, yet I know I need to write these things down. So to my Grandparents, please just read my regular blog for now, and just know I love you and I dont want to hurt you any further.
Many "emotions" come with addiction. I say emotions loosely, as I really think as addicts in active addiction we either feel really sad, or just plain sad. I cant say that we really ever feel happy. Most addicts attempt suicide many times. Mostly, we do it to get attention. We think if we "try" to kill ourselves (not really trying, but acting like we are trying) our families will realize how much they have hurt us and they will change things. Because of course in our minds, they are the ones who need to change. (We dont understand that our families are actually praying that we do die at times. That for them it would be easier.) Very rarely do we actually intend on killing ourselves. We may hurt ourselves, but we dont actually want to die.
There are also times when we truly do want to die. We dont feel like we can continue living our lives the way we have been, but we dont see a way out other than death. I know many times I prayed to the Lord to please just let me die. I prayed when I went to sleep at night that I wouldnt wake up the next day. Of course I always woke up.
My "suicide" attempts were always "trying" to overdose. I learned rather quickly that you cant really overdose on Tylenol or Ibuprofen (at least you wont die quickly) and I got really sick of drinking charcoal. I was too much of a wimp to hurt myself in trying any other way.
I can think of only one time when I truly wanted to die. My Dad was out of town on business and I was supposed to be staying with my Mom and Sister. My Mom and Sister found out I had just gotten a prescription, so they told me I couldnt stay there so I had to go home. When I got home I lost it. Literally lost it. I cant remember anything else terrible that was happening in my life, but for some reason I had had enough. I can tell you for the first time ever, I REALLY wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill myself for two reasons (actually three)...First of all, I could no longer live the way I had been living. I was so sick of living that way that I literally could not go on. Secondly, I wanted my family to miss me. I wanted them to feel as bad as I felt, and I thought the only way they would feel that way was if I killed myself. Thirdly, in the complete opposite of that, I did not want my family to have to deal with me anymore. Even though I blamed them, a small part of me knew I was hurting them, and I didnt want to hurt them anymore. This was the only way I knew to fix everything.
I wrote a note. Boy was that note full of hatred, self pity, resentments, finger pointing. Nothing about love or being sorry (except to my dr who was giving me the pills...how messed up is that?) I thought about calling the police to come get my body but I decided against that. I figured it would take a while for my family to even miss me, and I hated my roommate, so I didnt really care if she had to deal with my dead body. In my mind it served her right for being such a witch to me. I had a new prescription of 60 Soma and 60 Lortab so I had plenty of pills to kill me and I can honestly say I wanted to die.
But, I didnt take all of the pills. The addict in me couldnt or wouldnt. See, I knew there was a chance someone would find me before I died and call an ambulance. Then I could possibly be saved. So, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of pills left so if I didnt die for some reason, I wouldnt be without pills. (This sounds so stupid to me now, but it is exactly how the addict mind thinks. As addicts in active addiction we have to plan for these things, we always have to make sure we have pills). I took 15 Soma and 15 Lortab at once (and I know I had taken some before that but I cant remember how many). I should have died. I took the pills and went to sleep. Much to my horror, I woke up the next morning to my phone ringing. It was my boss because I was late for work and they were calling to check up on me. To this day I dont know why I didnt die. I dont know how my body possibly survived all of that medication inside me.
So I woke up, but my desire to die was even worse than it had been the night before. I got ready for work, but I had no intention of working that day. I took another handful of pills and drove toward my work. The place I used to work is close to an industrial area and there are quite a few trains that go through there. So, I decided to park on the train tracks. I knew death would be fast, so I wouldnt feel much pain. I actually drove to the train tracks and stopped my car. The first couple of times I tried it, cars came up behind me so I had to move. The third time I was actually sitting there and saw a train coming, but I couldnt do it. A boy had committed suicide a couple of weeks earlier on the tracks, and I remembered thinking about how bad I felt for the engineer of the train. I didnt want to do that to someone, so I moved again.
But still, I REALLY wanted to die. At this point, my work had continued calling, and I had a couple of friends calling to make sure I was ok. I just lied and told them I was stuck in traffic but I was fine. Then I saw a semi parked on the side of the road and I decided I was going to hit the gas and ram my car into the back of the semi.
Not the most brilliant plan, but I was sure it would work. So, I floored the gas and slammed into the back of the semi. Again, I was fine. My car was crunched and I was hurt a bit, but unfortunately (in my mind) I was alive.
After that didnt work, I figured I just wasnt meant to die that day. A couple of weeks afterward I talked to my Bishop about what happened. He told me someone was watching out for me that day. That I was meant to live because I had something very important to accomplish. A small part of me thinks it may be through this blog that I am fulfilling my mission. I hope so.
I hope this post gives a little bit of insight to where my mind was and how addiction distorts our thinking so much. I know my family was in no way to blame for my behavior, it was not their fault that I felt like I wanted to die, and they did not deserve to be treated the way they were treated. I hope I make that clear when I post, that my thinking was very distorted and not rational at all. I pray that by my telling these personal experiences I am helping someone, hopefully saving someone from making the same mistakes.
Just for today I will realize my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and as long as I am living worthily he will guide me every step of the way!!
Love,
Jami

The Wreckage of Our Past

We are taught in the program that we are going to have to face the wreckage of our past. That happened to me this week. Before I got married to my ex-husband I worked at a bank and I absolutely loved it. I loved everything about it. But, unfortunately, my addiction and problems with my ex-husband took me away from the job I loved. I have never gone back into banking. I'm not sure why, but I havent.
Well, here in Florida the perfect opportunity arose for me to go back to doing what I loved. Not to mention the pay was good, the company pays 100% of the benefits, it has banking hours and it is right down the street from my home. I got through the initial application process, the first round of interviews, and was one of three chosen to interview with the CEO and the CFO. Unfortunately, that is where it ended. The wreckage of my past came back to haunt me. See, when you work at a bank they check your credit. My credit SUCKS!!!
I was literally told I was chosen for the position but they couldnt hire me because of my credit. Heck, I had wonderful references, a good resume, good work history, but my credit didnt pass. Most addicts have terrible credit. A lot of people who are divorced have terrible credit. Combine the two and you have me.
So, although I have been living the way I should, one day at a time, my past came back to haunt me. It doesnt matter that I would NEVER steal from the bank. When I worked at the bank before I was never out by even a penny, and I handled accounts worth millions of dollars. It doesnt matter that I am clean and sober, that I am trying my hardest to live an honest life. You cant really tell that to a potential employer. "Hey, I used to be addicted to drugs, but I'm clean now, so you should hire me."
So, my unemployment is running out and I am no closer to finding a job now than I was when I moved here. Obviously going back into banking is out of the question. I could use this as an excuse to have a pity party and think why me, but honestly, why not me? Just because I am clean does not mean I dont have to clean up the wreckage of my past. I am very blessed to be married to a man who is able to support me, not only monetarily, but emotionally. He does not hold my bad credit against me, he didnt blame me for not getting the job. He is supporting me 100%, and we are both confident that the right position will come along when it is supposed to.
The wreckage of my past leads me to something someone posted on a comment. I was asked to go into my past addiction, what my bottom was and the things I did as an addict. I am sure many of you are wondering why I havent gone into that. It is very hard for me to explain, but I will try.
My active addiction is something that makes me cringe when I think about it. I hate Jami the addict. To think about the things I did and said, how mean I was, how dishonest and manipulative I was, how many people I hurt, it literally makes me sick. The thoughts and memories come into my mind often, but it is hard for me to talk about them. I know there will be a point that I have to discuss them, not only for the blog, but mostly for my recovery. I am trying to get the courage to do so.
A lot of it also is that my husband never knew Jami the addict, and in my little world I want to keep it that way. He doesnt even know the things I did, what my bottom was. He knows I am an addict, he has an idea of who I was in active addiction, but he doesnt know specifics. I think we would both like to keep it that way. Again, in our own little world.
I am completely aware that I need to be open and honest. I know my husband loves me, in spite of my past. With this in mind, I am processing in my mind the steps it will take for me to have the courage to post those things on this blog. It is coming...soon, I hope. Please be patient with me as I am still learning to come to terms with who I used to be and defining that person into who I am today.
Just for today I will work to gain the courage to let others see inside me with the faith it wont be to judge me, but to learn from me.
Love,
Jami

A Family Disease

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much addiction impacts the family. In recovery, addiction is often referred to as a "family disease". Any family who has suffered will probably understand the meaning behind this. Sadly, addiction does not just affect the addict.
Many family members are considered co-dependent. A co-dependent is pretty much someone whose life is controlled or manipulated by someone, usually a drug addict or alcoholic. Co-dependents will make excuses for us, they will give us money, they will "cover" for our behavior, in essence, they enable our addiction. I was watching Intervention last week (I would suggest anyone affected by addiction should watch Intervention. It is on Monday nights on A & E) and it had a few perfect examples of co-dependents.
First, there are the co-dependents who are "addicted to the addict". The addicts behavior takes over their life. They are constantly worrying, constantly wanting to know what the addict is doing, where the addict is, what the addict has used, etc. The addict is their drug. They worry about the addict just as much as the addict worries about their drug. The co-dependent to do this is usually the person closest to the addict, usually the spouse or parent. I have seen co-dependents like this really struggle when their addict gets clean. They are so used to worrying about the addict, they really struggle when they dont have to worry like that anymore.
Co-dependents also give us money, a place to stay etc. On the episode I saw, the addicts sister and Mom both gave him money because they said if they didnt, then he would have to panhandle on the street to get it. SO WHAT??? I've also heard it said that "if we dont give him / her money for drugs, he or she will get it somehow. They may commit a crime or something". Again, SO WHAT??? A lot of Mother's will say they have to give their children money, they have to give them a place to stay, they are their mother. If they at least let them sleep at their house they know where they are. They know they arent cold out on the streets. This is enabling. This is helping the addict to stay sick. A co-dependent is in NO WAY helping an addict by doing these things. I cant say it enough, DO NOT give us money, DO NOT let us live with you if we are actively using. If we are in recovery and trying to get and stay clean, by all means give us a place to live. But as long as we are actively using, it is doing more harm than good.
I had the opportunity to be in a situation last night where I saw a woman who had overdosed on pills. She had just refilled a prescription a couple of hours before, and had taken six pills of a VERY strong medication, along with some other less strong pills (still prescription pain meds).
This woman had some family members who were adamant that she needed help. They wanted her to be taken to the hospital, and they were willing to do whatever it took for her to get the help she needed. They felt like they had enough, and they were done enabling her. Unfortunately, one family member did not feel this way. He just happened to be the one who "had the authority" to decide if she stayed at the hospital or not. He said he would like to think she isnt trying to hurt herself and that she doesnt need help. In the next sentence he said he wanted to get her whatever help she needed, but he didnt want put her through all of that at the hospital.
Unfortunately, I was not in a position to say anything. I did have someone who was in the position to say something tell him that she did need help. He was told that although it may be hard on him now to feel like he was doing this to her, it would only help her in the long run. Unfortunately, I dont think it sunk in. I hope it did, but I have a feeling she is back home today, pills in hand.
This is what addiction does to the family. It puts family members in positions no family should ever have to be in. Sadly, the addict takes drugs to not have to deal with this, but the family doesnt have that luxury. I would strongly suggest al-anon and the LDS 12-step meetings for family members. Even if the addict isnt getting help, the family can, and they should. Families should learn that its ok to step away. It's ok to tell us no. It's ok to kick us out. It's ok to be honest. It may be the hardest decision a parent, spouse, sibling or child ever has to make. To cut off their loved one, to do what needs to be done, but in the long run, it is for the best.
I've decided all of the addicts in active addiction probably hate me for this blog. I would have hated myself. But I am ok with that. Because if they hate me now for something that will help them in the long run, it is all worth it. Families, it will be worth it for you too! I promise!
Love,
Jami

My Boring Life

I was talking to my Dad on the phone the other day. Of course he asked me how my addict was doing. This is a common question when I talk to my family, which it should be. I told him it was good. My mind is so quiet. I was telling him that I havent posted in a couple of weeks because I havent really had anything to post. I dont want to bore the readers of the blog with my life, because for once my life could be considered just that, boring. At least as compared to what it has been in the past. He suggested I write a post about my life being boring. My life has actually been jam packed, in a boring kind of way. I have been trying many new things, having experiences I honestly thought I would never be able to experience. I even used some of my addiction tools to face my fear of sharks and go snorkeling in the ocean. I am enjoying my new "boring" life.
My dad also told me he thinks I am impacting many lives in ways I will probably never be aware of. I like to think maybe I am (a lot of you have e-mailed me and told me that, thank you). I like to think maybe I can turn my battle with addiction into something positive. So Please, if you have any ideas on things I can discuss on here, things you would like me to talk about, questions you have or clarifications you need, please let me know. I am here to help and if anything (in a selfish kind of way) it helps my recovery, a lot!
Love,
Jami

Ive had Enough

I decided this week I've had enough!! I dont want to be an addict anymore. I dont want to worry about where my mind is anymore. I just want to be normal.
Ive had a UTI the past couple of weeks that was KILLING my back. Matt said I needed to go to the doctor, I refused. A normie could just go to the doctor, get help with the pain, get on antibiotics, be done. Not me. Not a drug addict.
So, I lay in bed...in terrible pain with tears rolling down my face. Yes, they were tears of pain, but they were tears of so much more. It just isnt fair. It isnt fair that I have to "deal" with excruciating pain..it isnt fair that I have to have anxiety about going to the doctor. I know some people think that because we are addicts we brought it upon ourselves, so we should just have to suffer the pain without anything, but again, it just isnt fair.
I was in self pity mode about this, BAD!! I talked to Matt and we came up with a plan, and because I couldnt stand it anymore, I went to the doctor. Of course he went with me. Of course, I didnt even go near the subject of pain pills. I quickly said the ibuprofen was helping so I would just take that, if they could give me some antibiotics...So, I got a SHOT...of antibiotics, a PRESCRIPTION....of antibiotics, and we were on our way.
Did I tell the doctor I am a recovering drug addict? No...should I have? Probably Yes. This is where the I'm done part comes in. I didnt want to be LABELED...I dont want to be a drug addict here. Part of me feels like I have started a new life, and maybe I can get away from that. But, the rational side of me knows I can never escape that monster in my brain that is just yearning to be released again.
So, I dodged that bullet, but, by not being truthful to the doctor, I wasnt being truthful to myself. At some point, I may not be strong enough to dodge that bullet. I will admit, a BIG part of me thought I would be ok to take pain pills, just for a couple of days, just until the pain got better. The same pattern of behavior, the same addict thinking. It makes my addict mind start running though, when is the pain bad enough to take that risk?? Truthfully, I hope I never have to find out, thankfully, I havent had to. Honestly, I wish I just didnt have to deal with it!
Just for today I wish I wasnt an addict, but I realize I am. Just for today I am grateful I have the "choice" of taking a pill, because six short months ago, I didnt have a choice.
Love,
Jami
On a side note: I was asked by a couple of people about what we decided on telling my husbands family about my addiction. He told his mother, and they decided they didnt think we needed to tell anyone else. So, my husband and my mother in law are the only ones that know. In a way I am grateful, because again, I dont have that label. But on the other hand, my struggle with addiction is a huge part of who I am. I am taking it a day at a time, and if it ever comes up I am ready. If not, they know the only Jami they ever need to know!

Why arent I feeling better?

I correspond quite often through my addiction e-mail (ldsaddict@gmail.com) with not only addicts but family members also. There seem to be a few questions that come up quite often, and I wanted to address one of them today. More than once I have been asked why, when an addict has stopped using, they dont feel better. Why if they arent using anymore, do they still have no energy, feel depressed, just generally down in the dumps? My response to that is quite simple, yet not so much.
I posted once about the analogy of asking someone to quit breathing oxygen (see post here) and how you have to teach them a new way to breath. This is exactly what that analogy is all about. It is WONDERFUL to "quit using"!! Dont get me wrong, it is the hardest step, physically. But yet, that is physically. If you just stop using, you have in essence taken the oxygen from your body, but you have not shown your body a new way to breath. It is struggling without something it does not know how to function without.
Let me give an example. For me, I ALWAYS had to take something to go to church. I DID NOT know how to sit through church without some kind of chemical boost. If I just quit taking the pills, my mind would still "think" I needed something to sit through church. I physically nor mentally COULD NOT do it. Ya, I guess I could do it, but it was a struggle. My mind would run, I would be completely pre-occupied with taking something, my character defects would take over causing me to be ornery and depressed, and my mind would make me be physically drained without the drug (and I would usually end up in a doctors office with some "illness" requiring pills).
As addicts, we dont have a using problem, we have a thinking problem. If it was a using problem, we should be able to take away the drugs and everything would be fine, but unfortunately it is so much more than that. I cant stress that enough...to families or addicts. We have to change our whole way of thinking, EVERY aspect of our lives.
The term for this is a "Dry Drunk". This is when the addict in your family is SO ornery, so mean that you almost want to beg them to use so you dont have to deal with them. (It is a catch 22, if they arent using they are mean and ornery, if they are using they are probably nicer, but you have to deal with the loopiness, slurred speech, etc.) For the addict, this is when you feel literally like you are going to die. You are in miserable Hell, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Eventually, if you quit breathing and deprive your body of oxygen without training it to breath a new way, you WILL go back to breathing the way you know how. For addicts, if we quit using and deprive our body of that mental escape without training our minds to work differently, we will go back to using.
As addicts we HAVE to admit we have a thinking problem. We HAVE to be willing to put in the effort to re-train our minds to work without that chemical boost! Addiction is SO MUCH more than using drugs!! So, when people ask me how long they should expect to feel this way (or their family member should expect to feel this way) I wish I could give them a time frame. But, unfortunately unless some effort is made mentally, the pain will never go away, it WILL NOT get better. Once we TRULY enter recovery, the change is almost immediate in our personalities. We sit on a pink cloud of happiness we have not known for a long time (if ever!)
I promise you it is worth it. I promise you that you (or your loved one) can get clean, and stay clean for the rest of your (their) life, one day at a time!
Just for today I will examine my life and my character defects to see where I can improve. Just for today, I am clean!
Love,
Jami