Prayers are Appreciated

I'm sitting here in the waiting room of the ICU at the hospital. My Mom took a turn for the worse yesterday and was admitted to the ICU. She is having problems breathing and has a fever. They have not been able to diagnose what is causing these newest complications, but they are doing tests. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I went from having a good day enjoying spending time with my family, to pure panic, to the feeling of being surrounded by unconditional love, to anxiety, sadness, and pure exhaustion.
We received a phone call from my Dad that things did not look good and we better get to the hospital. I'll admit, I did not handle it well. I started crying and was not calm in the slightest. I called Matt immediately and I dont even know if he understood what I was saying. It is not a phone call we were expecting, but even more so, a phone call I do not ever want to receive again. After a few minutes I was able to calm down, but still cried to myself, my mind going places I didnt want it to go. One thing is for sure though, I have an amazing family. Within a couple of minutes, with only a few phone calls, we were surrounded by family, whether in person or by phone. I felt blanketed in love, unconditional love.
After things calmed down some I started to process the situation the best I could in a public waiting room. I will admit, I started having selfish thoughts. My wedding is in less than two weeks (July 17th). I have people flying in from a few different states, how would this affect that? I dont know if that is selfish or normal, but I was thinking about that. Then, my Dad dropped a bomb for me. He said he wanted to let me know that it was very likely her Doctors will not allow her to attend my wedding. I started crying then....We were told this surgery was something they do often, no big deal really. They told us when they scheduled it that she should be well enough for the wedding. Now I am being told she may not even be able to attend.
Again, I am selfish. I want my Mom there. This is my wedding day, the biggest day of my life. Why do we have to have complications to effect this day? I guess all I can do is pray. We fasted today. I just need to have faith that everything will work out. We still dont know where we are getting married as we havent heard on my cancellation of sealing from my ex-husband yet, so prayers would be appreciated in that area also.
I did ok until I went home and called Matt. It is hard having him so far away. He flies here on the 14th and I am ready to have him with me. While we were talking I was trying to explain where my head was. Once I had a chance to actually process everything, I realized my head was all over the place. I wish I could explain some things a little better, but unfortunately there are some things I cannot discuss on this blog. But I will try.
It is hard for me to think of losing my Mom, but then I realize if it is someones time, we cant stop that. I started to think if I was in my mom's place, but when I was actively using. There were so many times I literally wished I would get sick and die. I felt there was some dignity to dying from something other than addiction, and I wanted to die. There were so many times my body was tired, my mind was tired, I was tired of the battle within, but I didnt know how to get out other than dying. I also thought if I got sick and died, my family might realize how much they screwed up my life and they might change their ways (this is very distorted thinking, but it is really how I thought.) I literally prayed to get some disease, some dignified disease other than the disease of addiction.
I realized last night how fast things can change. From the perspective of a clean person now, I see how the family feels from the other side. I see how addiction makes a person hate the addict, hate everything about them. If I had gotten sick and was in my mom's position (when I was actively using) It might be a different feeling. Rather than feeling remorse or love, I cant help but think my family might be praying for my release. For my body to be released from the emotional and physical pain, and for my family to be released from this hell I had been putting them through for years. I have so much to live for now, but I also realized if it was my time to go now, I know I would be leaving my family with feelings of love and support, not feelings of anger or resentment.
I dont know if any of this makes sense. I woke up a lot last night with that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, that feeling I used to use to chase away. The realization we could have lost my Mom, that she is still in danger. The realization I need to treat those around me with more love and respect, the realization that things could change in an instant. Yes, I woke up alot. Yes, I had the horrible feeling in my stomach. Yes, I had to face reality. But, I will proudly say using did not even cross my mind. I am facing these rollercoaster emotions, I am talking about my feelings, I am approaching this newest challenge head on, in a healthy way. Proudly, today I am clean. Anxious and emotional, but clean nonetheless. Today, I am living in a healthy way, today I am proud of who I am.
Love,
Jami