Thoughts

So, now that you all know my rock bottom, I wanted to try to explain where my brain was. I dont know if I can, I know where it was, I just dont know if I can explain it. Most addicts use when they are in stressful situations or going through hard times (or that is the excuse). Most addicts use because their life sucks. I cant really say my life ever really sucked. Yea, I would tell you it did. I wasnt married, didnt have kids, didnt really have any friends and I was a drug addict. But, my life in general didnt suck. My life could be considered very good, at the time, if you took away my using.
For me, I used when I was going to be around my family. I want to make it very clear that this was because of my addict thinking, not because my family really was bad. In my mind, I was not good enough for my family and I never would be. I was the failure. I felt like they looked down on me because I was divorced and they blamed my using for the divorce. I felt like they had never supported me through that situation. I thought they thought I wasnt good enough and that I never would be. I took comments they made and turned them around to make myself feel bad for myself (does that make sense?)
This is what makes me different from a lot of addicts. I had gone through my house flooding and losing MANY material possessions (including pictures, journals etc), my house being burglarized and other things that could be considered traumatic, but I didnt feel any desire to use. But, the second I knew I was going to have to be with my family, I felt like I needed to take a pill. So, that night, because I didnt have any Soma, I turned to the wine and Lortab. I knew exactly what I was doing when I walked into the Liquor store, but I really didnt have any control over what I was doing. I did not know how to live through that night without something. I literally could not have stopped myself.
It makes me physically sick now to think about the fact that in my messed up mind I thought I was going to babysit all of those kids while loaded. I really do Love those kids with all my heart, and there is no way I would ever subject them to that; in my right mind. But, unfortunately, I wasnt in my right mind. I thought I had complete control, when the results prove I did not. I thought the pills made me a better person, more capable of doing the things I wanted to do. I am so glad I was able to hit my rock bottom with physically harming anyone, other than myself. I thank my Father in Heaven every day for giving me a second chance, and a chance to apologize to my family. Just for today I will take the time to realize how truly lucky I am.
Love,
Jami