I am SO struggling!! My mind is going crazy and I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I am angry with myself. Very Angry!! I keep asking myself how did I let my mind get back to this point, this point of craving again? Its not craving the high exactly, its just the obsession, the compulsion associated with addiction. I have been reading my NA books and it talks a lot about the obsession. That is exactly what it is, an obsession with using. I HATE being an addict!!
My body is not craving the drug. I guess that only comes if you are actively using, but my MIND is craving the drug...BAD!! I am constantly preoccupied with thoughts of using. There is NO REASON for me to want to use. My life is wonderful right now, so much more so than I ever imagined. I got a job finally, I have a husband who treats me like a princess and loves me more than I deserve to be loved, I have a family who LOVES me unconditionally and is proud of me, and they tell me that often, I have all of you and more support than most addicts could ever wish for...I have no reason to use. There is absolutely no reason to want to escape from anything. My mind just craves that feeling of calm I guess.
So at what point does relapse start? I am not actively using, but I feel like my mind is relapsing..does that makes sense?? I feel like I dont have control over my thoughts and my emotions like I did before. Addiction is SO MUCH MORE than taking a drink or using a drug. It is very much a mental illness. It is a disease of the mind.
As I said I have been reading my NA book, doing my step work, studying my scriptures, praying, trying so hard to keep my mind occupied. I am hoping once I start my new job that will help to keep my mind occupied (I was offered a job with the same company I worked for in Utah except it is more of a management position. I start on Feb. 9th) I plan to go to the gym after work some days and go to NA meetings on the other days. But honestly, I am so frustrated. So frustrated with myself. I felt like I was doing everything I was supposed to do, so WHY am I so miserable?? I would love some advice on how to get my mind back to being quiet again (besides the things I have already mentioned). I guess the right word would be serenity, how do I achieve that serenity again? I know if I were in Utah I could go talk to my counselors and my aftercare group, but unfortunately I dont have that here.
Sorry if this post seems like a lot of complaining. I guess this is where I need to do my inventory and look at my character defects because they are running rampant!!! But sometimes I just need to get my feelings out. For my family, dont worry, I am not going to use, I just need to figure out how to put the monster back in the closet and quiet my mind again. Until then, just for today I will count my blessings and keep fighting the fight, one day at a time.
Love,
Jami
Long time no blog
1 day ago
I have been reading your blog for awhile now, but I always hesitate to comment because I have never struggled with such an addiction. Since I read your post about struggling, I have been thinking about you. When I read that post this paragraph from adailyscoop.blogspot.com (which is where I found your blog) really stuck out to me. It says:
ReplyDelete"For those of you struggling in the "blank pages," I highly recommend that recipe from Luke 2:52. Force yourself to do something Physical (workout), Spiritual (pray, ponder and study scriptures), Mental (write or read some or exercise your brain), and Social (serve others or just get out and be with people) EVERYDAY. It is what the Savior did and if you do it everyday it will make you happier. It is the only way I know to claw out of the pit of sorrow."
Her whole post is here http://adailyscoop.blogspot.com/2008/07/comments.html
You are such a brave person. I admire you for putting a blog like this out there for everyone to read. For me, you put a differnt face to addiction. You put a bright, beautiful, smiling, 'everyday' face to addiction. Every addict doesn't have the same 'look' and I realize that now, because of you.
Also, I wondered if your husband reads your blog? I remember you saying in your post that sometimes you don't feel like your husband understands what you mean when you say you are "struggling". Sometimes, I find it easier to convey my feelings, emotions, fears, etc. in writing. Then I ask my husband to read them so he has a better understanding of where I am coming from.
I hope you find the stegnth you need to overcome this. You're great!
Jami,
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person. Stay Strong. You are doing everything right! You probably don't remember me but you helped me through a very difficult time with my sister who WAS addicted to prescription meds. I forever hold a special place in my heart for you :)
I think your job will help. The only other suggestion I can give from personal experience is serving others. Jump in with both feet and look where your help might be needed. Maybe within your ward, or family members living near you. There is ALWAYS someone to serve.
I love you and will continue to pray for you!!
Hi Jami,
ReplyDeleteWOW, I can really tell you are struggling. Just a few suggestions.
Take a look at how you are working your program.
HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GOING TO MEETINGS? maybe you need to increase attendance for awhile.
ARE YOU REALLY WORKING THE STEPS? maybe this is a good time to relook where you are in the steps.
ARE YOU SPONSORING? serving others in the addiction community
ARE YOU INVOLVED IN 12-step service?
In Al-Anon there is a saying, "when I got busy, I got better"
You know how they say "loose yourself in service."
Do you have a service position in the 12-step community.
I know sometimes this is hard for my son to do. He feels like he struggles so much that he doesn't have anything to offer anyone else. You do Jami, your experience, strength and hope.
Hang in there Jami, remember ONE DAY AT A TIME, and for today it may have to be one minute at a time.
I'm praying for you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!! All my love! Just hold on a little longer!! :)
ReplyDelete