Feeling Normal

Im sorry about the last post, but that is where my mind goes...the mind of an addict. I know my family is worried now, dont be. I thought about deleting the post, but Im not going to. This blog is all about my thoughts, the unhealthy and healthy thoughts of an addict.
I spoke with my Dad on the phone a few minutes after I wrote the post. He hadnt read the post, but after just talking for maybe a minute, he asked if I was ok. He could hear the desperation in my voice. Not really desperation, but the "panic" of an addict (I dont know if that makes sense but thats the only way I know to describe it). We talked for a little while about where I was, what I was doing, changing my thought process, he just helped talk me through it. Sometimes, ok a lot of times, that is just what I need. While talking with my Dad I came up with a couple of ideas about why I struggle.
I think a lot of it is being out of my element. You would think moving away from my "using" situations and contacts would stop the cravings. But, not only did I move away from the "using" situations, I moved away from my support system. Where I am now I dont feel like I can really be myself. Not that I want people to know Im an addict, heck, Id rather they not know. But without those who are supposed to be my "family" here knowing where I am coming from, I have nobody to turn to. Dont get me wrong, I know I have the chance to be a whole new person and be a strong Jami, but lets face it, I will never be normal. I have a few VERY GOOD friends here, in fact, more good friends than I had in Utah. Because of my addiction I didnt have many good friends in Utah. I stayed to myself a lot (or with my family when we were on speaking terms). So, I go out constantly with different friends, doing the things "normal" people do. We go to lunch, dinner, the movies, whatever, just being together. But while Im dying inside I cant talk to these "Good" friends about what really is bothering me.
I think that is my biggest issue. I feel like I am hiding this BIG part of who I am. Again, I dont want these people to know I am a recovering addict. I dont want to be judged for that. I just want to be Jami...normal (or as normal as I'll ever be) Jami.
So, Ive spent a lot of time on me knees the last few days. A LOT!! I can never get over the feeling of love and support I feel from my Father in Heaven. I was wondering last night if I really signed up for this HELL in the pre-existence (sorry, self pity was very evident in this thought process). Then I realized I did sign up for it, because I knew I would have my Father in Heaven to get me through it. I need to remember that. My husband also gave me a blessing of comfort and he said some things I needed to hear. So, I have a plan, I have the determination, and most importantly I have my Father in Heaven every step of the way. I CAN DO THIS...one step at a time.
Love,
Jami