So, I havent posted for awhile, and I would like to say it is because I have nothing to write. In reality, I have so many feelings going through my mind. I am struggling, BAD!!! My mind is taking me places I dont want to be, and I am letting it run. I have not acted on the urges to use, and hopefully I wont. I havent said anything before now because I didnt want my family to worry. But, my Father is very perceptive and he called me to ask me specifically how I was doing with my addict brain. So, here it is.
I have been trying to analyze why I am struggling so bad. I have come to the conclusion it is because I am bored, extremely bored. Up until this point it seems I have had something to keep me busy. The wedding, honeymoon, moving, the holidays, going to Utah. But now, I dont have anything to keep my mind busy. I am home all the time, usually alone. Having so much free time has made me lazy. I find myself laying around, literally all of the time.There are days where I stay in bed all day. I have tried to find projects to keep me busy. I dont have my family around to do things with, and most of my friends work. Dont get me wrong, Matt's family is good to me, but I dont have that level of comfort to go hang out all day with them like I do with my family in Utah.
When I have too much time to think I start "glamorizing" using. I guess in my addict mind it makes me think that I would still be bored, but I could "feel good" while doing it. I put that in quotes because the real me, Jami, knows that isnt true. There is nothing good about being high. Unfortunately, it is getting harder and harder.
I did get a phone call about a possible job last week, and I am praying that it works out. If not, I have a couple of other prospects in mind. I have asked Matt for a blessing and he is going to give me one tomorrow. He doesnt understand what I mean when I tell him I am struggling, which can be good and bad. But, I have made him aware and I have made my Dad aware.
Also, my parents want to get me a plane ticket to go home the beginning of February. I have been dragging my feet on actually booking the ticket. Part of me is afraid to go home. The snow and cold have a tendency to depress me, which I dont think will help my situation. Plus, I have too many avenues to get Pills in Utah. On the other hand, it might be good to go spend time with my family for a few days.
So, that is where I am right now. I could say I am feeling like this again. It is hard. I am still rational and able to talk myself through the cravings, but it seems to be getting harder. Man its hard. REALLY hard!! But, Im taking things one day at a time, so here is to being clean today, tomorrow, well, we will deal with that tomorrow!!
Just for today I will realize how far I have come and REMEMBER how good it is to be here!!
Love,
Jami
It's been awhile... (wife posting)
4 days ago
Jami, you don't know me, but I stumbled across your blog a while ago and it has really touched me. I think that you are such a brave person. I can understand how, with nothing much else to think about, you start to think about using. But know that there are people you have never met who are pulling for you. Hang in there!!! Good luck with your job search.
ReplyDeleteTry volunteering at a local school or retirement home. It will keep you busy and make you feel good about yourself until you can find a job.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I watch Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and when addicts tell him they use because they are bored he says the boredom is actually depression and that their addict mind is tricking them. Do you agree?
ReplyDeleteOh dear Jami,
ReplyDeleteI haven't visited for awhile but was sad to find you struggling. The last time I checked in with you your post brought me so much hope and comfort. My son struggles with addiction too and I found your blog when I was on a mission in Ukraine. He had been in a major relapse at the time and even ended up in jail. Your blog was such a comfort to me. I "get it" that staying sober is a daily battle and I was sorry to see that you are suffering. I'll ask you what I asked you before, "are you calling your sponsor? or other friends in program, are you going to meetings, working the steps, sponsoring (12th stepping") people? I'm just asking? From the outside looking in it is hard to understand when addicts know the 12 step program works and they have past experience with it bringing them some relief WHY IS IT SO HARD TO KEEP GOING TO MEETINGS AND TO WORK THE PROGRAM. I have been in Al-Anon for 7 years and can't imagine not going. It works!!!! It's where I get the daily tools of living I need. I'm not judging you really. I really admire you for putting all of this out there. I'm just trying to understand.
Oh Jami, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad!!! Fly here, lets hang out and chat and have fun.............I hope I can help, I will do whatever you want me to!!! Hang in there I know you can do this and fight this you are sooooo strong!!! I love you!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm a total stranger too but I'd suggest finding some volunteer work to keep you busy. Or make a list of books you want to read and start visiting the library. Are there hobbies you've been wanting to do? You could start exploring your town. It might be fun to write letters/notes to your nieces/nephews (start being "pen pals"). Have you met anyone at church that you could call and invite to meet you for lunch or a walk? Hang in there. :)
ReplyDeleteVolunteering is a great idea. What are we taught about losing ourselves in service? Perhaps a hospital needs loving arms or books read. Thank you for your courage.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to give you any advice, just tell you I know what you are feeling. I've commented before, I overcame addiction about 9 years ago, married 7 years ago and now have 3 kids. Life is totally different and lovely, but I am still an addict and fight the addict brain all the time. I haven't used for 9 years and it's much easier now because I have so much to lose. I love my husband and my kids.
ReplyDeleteYou'll do great, I know you will. You are just learning how to cope with the normal ups and downs of grown up life... just know that there are soooo many people out there (LDS too) that are going through the same thing. I still have to work on transferring addiction to other avenues like food and too much time on the computer - avoiding. This is a trial I know was meant for me, and I hate feeling weak and powerless sometimes, but it never takes long for me to pull myself out of weak moments and find some strength. Our Lord promises to make weak things strong after all.
My wife continually speaks of your page and most of all your thoughts. The reason she frequently travels amongst this page is because her husband is a recovering addict (me). I just recently finished treatment at Odyssey House and I can relate with you to a "T".
ReplyDeleteI pray deeply you may utilize the tools you have to refrain and remain free of use. Take walks, read, workout, whatever it takes. Remember that your family needs you in the eternities and we cannot attain such things with drugs in our lives. Be open and honest with your husband about every little thought and feeling that may land you into a relapse or relapse cycle. I found that when I speak with those whom are my support system and speak directly and openly it releases any negativity related to use. I hope anything I say helps, and ask that you continue to offer your heart to those who so dilligently listen. Thank you for your example..
TYler
Jami
ReplyDeleteI haven't read your blog for a while. I think of you so often. Your parents are such a strength to me. I met you a couple of times at the ARP in Utah. You give me strength and understanding. My husband is a recovering addict also. It is hard everyday. I do believe that we have our trials to make us strong. Try to keep going. I know Satan loves to play with our minds, especially when they are idle. I think he knows that we are so vulnerable at those times. I am sure it is very lonely. My husband was in law enforcement. Those hours are hard. Crazy shifts etc. Please take care and know there are so many that want you to succeed. I know that our Heavelny Father will bless you and your family. We are all children of God and know one can take that away from us. We are hoping for the best for you. You will know what that is....
I can feel your pain and know what you are going through. My spouse knows my past but can not feel my pain. Don't be mad or sad that your husband doesn't understand.
ReplyDeleteI am an LDS addict as well. The bad news is that the cravings never ever go away. It is an everyday struggle.
Just a couple of suggestions that work for me.
First, the biggest help was getting into triathlons. It kept me very busy and I knew that if did take something that I would feel like hell and not be able to preform very well.
Second, and please keep in mind that this works for me but I have not been told by anyone with authority or counseling experience that it is a good idea. I take two or three vitamin pills of different sorts just to feel that I am taking something. The urge to abuse something is so strong everyday but popping a few pills through-out the day has really helped. I know that I am not going to get high but the motion of the pill popping really has helped me. Just remember to get water soluble vitamins in the event you are having a bad day and really want to go crazy. Again, this works for just me and may be the worst and dumbest idea for everyone else.
It does get a little easier but it will still be a daily fight. Except the fact that you will feel the urges always and go SWIM, BIKE and RUN.
I haven't commented in a while but I think of you and check in on you through your blog and I am sooo rooting for you! I have several family members who have struggled and still struggle with this crazy hard thing, addiction! Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you! All my love
ReplyDelete