Thank you so much for your comments, your advice and most of all your support. I am still here and I am still clean. I cant tell you how much it means to me that I have so much support from everywhere, even people I dont know. I am doing so many things people have suggested, and I am taking things one day at a time.
I overcame a HUGE hurdle this week, one that was inevitable. I had surgery on Tuesday. It was an outpatient laporoscopy for my endometriosis. I had gotten to the point where I had no quality of life. I was afraid I would get to the point where I needed to be on constant pain medication again, so we decided to do the surgery and hopefully buy us some time. I can already feel a huge difference, so I am confident the surgery worked.
I have known for a few months I would have to have the surgery, I just didnt know how soon until last week. Once the surgery was scheduled my addict mind really went back and forth on telling my family, mainly my Father. My Dad and sister(s) were aware I was having problems again (as far as pain and other symptoms), but I hadnt gone into the extent of anything. As an addict, even a recovering addict, your first instinct is to hide things like that. So many times in the past I have "faked" things to get medication, that I guess I was afraid they wouldnt believe me. I know it is a blessing that I did not have that issue. Those family members I spoke with did not question me at all. I didnt tell my Dad until I knew the surgery was scheduled, but then I called him immediately. I knew if I didnt, my addict mind might convince myself not too, and I knew that wasnt right. I NEEDED my Dad to know what I was doing. I am not ashamed, I have nothing to hide and I knew I was doing the right thing.
When I spoke with my Dad he supported me 100%. We talked about a plan, we discussed the medications, the doctors and being open and honest. I told him a part of me wanted to hide it from him but I knew I needed to tell him. He thanked me for telling him and he told me he TRUSTED me, he BELIEVED in me...That meant more than I can even put into words.
So, I had the surgery on Tuesday. Have I had pain medication, Yes...Have I abused that medication, No. In fact, I am proud of myself. At the hospital when they asked me if I wanted more pain meds in my IV, I said no, I just wanted Toradol (a non narcotic anti inflammatory). Right before I left they brought me one pill. She said she could give me two, but I told her I would be ok with only one. I have done really well taking the ibuprofen and the stronger stuff only when needed. In fact, for the first two days I think I waited too long to take the stronger stuff and then I really suffered until it kicked in, but thats ok. Better than the alternative. I have been COMPLETELY honest with my husband, my Dad, my Sister, anyone who has asked about my meds. I know my family in Utah can hear it in my voice, and I know my voice is strong.
I am completely aware there are some people who would not agree with me taking anything. I know there are some who may call it a relapse, or even say I am not clean because I took something. Those people are entitled to their opinion. If you ask me today, I am still clean, and I still have eleven months (tomorrow). I know some of you feel because I am an addict I should just have to suffer through things like that. Again, you are entitled to your own opinion. For me and my recovery, I am PROUD of the hurdle I crossed. I know that for the next few weeks I REALLY need to pay attention to where my head is. Because of this, you will probably see more posts for the next little while. I need that. I need to make sure I am ok. For now I dont feel taking the pills has affected my recovery, I dont feel a craving to take anything, and I honestly didnt take enough to feel any type of "high". So yes, I am still here, I am still clean, and I am still taking things one day at a time. Now I have to go back and lay down. I have a tendency to do way too much, way too soon (Hopefully, I will have some REALLY good news to post soon...only time will tell). Thank you again for your love and support. I love you!!
Love,
Jami
Love my job!
1 week ago
Don't do it! Well maybe you can, but you better be a much stronger person then myself or just about everyone else that is an addict.
ReplyDeleteTalking from experience, it is impossible to stay strong and not abuse something if you can. If you have something so close and easily accessible it is just a matter of time before you break! You will slowly start to justify taking more. You mind will continually be thinking about your little white friends in the bottle. They will be calling your name quietly at first, maybe just calling your name in the morning or late afternoon or right before bed. They will then start to call your name a little louder and a little more frequently. They will get good at calling your name on your days off and on lonely days. Some how these little white friends of yours will know when you are having a hard day and that is when they yell and scream the loudest. You really can't blame them, they are just trying to make you feel better. You may be able to ignore their cries for attention for a time but it is impossible to ignore a friend that has been so dear.
Could you ignore a friend that was such a big part of your life? Well, yes you could but only for a time. Eventually you will have to submit to the cries of your old friend.
I would put your little friends in the trash or the fire or smash them to pieces. Don't put them in the toilet because then the fish become high and then they too will have blogs about thoughtsofaunderwateraddict.
If the pain is too much sometimes then give your friends to someone you trust. Let this trusted person know what a rocky friendship you have and help them understand that only when the pain is white hot should your friends be released to you and then only one a day. The pain of the relapse which is sure to follow is much worse the the temperately pain of your recent cut.
Jami,
ReplyDeleteIt is great to hear that you are feeling better about things. Sorry to hear you had to have surgery. I have commented on your posts before and I would like to tell you that my husband was VERY addicted to perscription pain meds for about 15 years. He also had to have surgery in November. He also was completely open and honest with all of his doctors. I went with him to appointments and took care of his meds. He did good. He will be having a total knee replacement in the next few months. It is scary and I think that is O.K. The important thing is you are being honest with your family, yourself and your Heavenly Father. Keep up the good work.
Hey Jami, I'm so happy for you that you are feeling stronger and more confident and that this test proved you to be the strong woman you are.
ReplyDeleteDont get stuck on thinking there is a certain way of doing things, and thats the only healthy way of recovering... dont get caught up in the mentality that you have to stay away from it and suffer through. Not like I had to tell you that because you are doing great on your own - you know this!
It's not about the drugs, it's about the escape. But if you are in pain it is about relief from suffering. You will likely (down the road) have children and need to take things again after birth and you needed to know that you could take it and trust yourself again. It's awesome. I've had that surgery and it's painful!!! Way to go J.