My Husband

Hi! I really do apologize for being so sporadic in my posting. My life is crazy busy, but in a good way! It is so good to be busy. The busier I am, the less time I have to head run...which I have a tendency to do!!
I have had a few people ask me questions regarding my Husband and how he deals with my addiction. I have been hesitant to answer because it isnt the best situation, but it is what it is, so here goes. My husband has absolutely nothing to do with my addiction. I really believe in his mind, if he doesnt acknowledge it, then it isnt there. I am very blessed that I met my husband after my active addiction, so he has never seen me high with slurred speech and stumbling around. Hopefully he never does! He can tell when I have taken a pain pill, but I wasnt taking so many that I was embarrassingly high (I hope that makes sense).
My addiction is not something we discuss in our home. We just do not discuss it. The times when I have had to take the pain pills, my husband will say "have you told your Dad" because he knows my Dad is the person I talk to about my addiction. It is his way of acknowledging that he knows I have to be careful, but he passes the responsibility of talking about it to my Dad. I WISH I could talk to my husband about it. In fact, it is not healthy recovery to not talk about it. I dont wish to discuss the things I did in the past with my husband, but sometimes I would like to talk about how I am feeling in terms of my recovery and red flags I am feeling. My husband is the kind of person who thinks people who need help (whether with addiction or counseling in general) are weak, so he does not empathize with my addiction at all. He does not understand the concept of just deciding to quit something and moving forward. (in his defense, with his profession he sees a lot more than most people, and I think it has made him less sympathetic toward those things)
There was one situation when I had a prescription and I noticed I was starting to take too many. I started with one, then had to take one and a half, then two. Once I started having to take two I knew I needed to get rid of them, so I flushed the remaining pills. My husband did give me a hug and he told me he was very proud of me for making the decision and realizing I was headed down the wrong path, but that was about it. I tried to explain to him where my mind was and why I made the decision, but that conversation didnt get very far. He just told me again he was very proud of me and moved on.
Please know I love my Husband more than anything. He is my best friend and he treats me like a queen. We get along VERY well and we have a WONDERFUL marriage. I could never ask for more in terms of the love we have and the kind of marriage we enjoy. I know our situation is not the best for a strong recovery. Spouses should be able to talk to each other about these things, but in my home that is not a reality. I guess that is a lot of the reason we have sponsors. So we always do have someone to talk to. I am also very blessed because I have my Dad. My Dad has had to deal with this way too much in his life, but he is the one I call. I can tell my Dad anything about how I am feeling, where my mind is or whatever, and that helps my recovery a great deal. I am positive if I didnt have my Dad to talk to, I would more than likely be right back where I started in active addiction. I personally just need that outlet with someone who loves me.
So, for now, that is how my husband deals with my addiction, he doesnt. I know the people who asked those questions are spouses trying to find some way to deal with their addict / alcoholic spouse. I may ask my Dad to do a guest post from his point of view. We will see. Just for today I will stay clean and be grateful for all I am blessed with!

Love,
Jami