Going Home

I went home for Christmas. I always have mixed feelings about going home. I LOVE being able to spend time with my family. I LOVE being CLEAN while doing so, because I actually remember what we did and we enjoy being together. But, going home also brings back a lot of memories. It is interesting how driving by certain places or seeing certain things brings back a whole rush of memories that make me sick to my stomach.
My brother-in-law and nephew picked us up from the airport. On the way to their house (they were very nice to let us stay at their house the entire week. Thanks Sis, BIL, and kids!) we passed my old townhouse. The place where this happened. My BIL said to my hubby, "I bet that brings back a lot of bad memories". He was actually referring to having to move all of my stuff and pack everything. But my little nephew's mind went directly to that night. He turned to me and said "Aunt Mami, it doesnt have to be bad memories anymore. Cause your body is all clean now and you dont have to take pills anymore. You are married and happy, so now we just have to have happy memories". It made my heart melt!! I gave him a hug and told him he was exactly right.
I really enjoyed this time spent with my family. We spent a lot of time together, laughing and just enjoying one another's company. The hardest thing for me was when the fun had to end. I REALLY miss getting together with my family each week!
As we were saying our last goodbyes to my Grandparents, my Grandma whispered in my ear that she and my Grandpa are very proud of me. She said they are so proud of the things I have accomplished and how my life has turned out. I started to cry at that point. I needed to hear that. It doesnt matter at what point an addict is at or how long they have, they still need to hear how proud people are and that they are doing good!
My Dad also told me many times how much they all enjoyed having us there, he said that was the best present he could ask for. It is so nice to hear that rather than being told my family doesnt want me around. There were so many times I was only tolerated, or I tolerated them. I ruined so many holidays and occasions because I was high. It felt so good to actually contribute to the happiness of the Holiday season!
I had a really hard time going home. But, honestly when we got home I felt a great deal of anxiety lifted off my shoulders. The memories that were triggered in Utah affected me more than I thought they would. I hate the feeling of guilt and being sick to my stomach because of choices I made in the past. I dont have those memories here. I have only good memories, no "using" memories. So, it was good to come back home and feel that serenity again!
I hope you all had a Happy Holiday and I wish you all a Very Happy New Year!
Love,
Jami