Thoughts of an LDS Addict

Going Home

2011-01-07T09:35:00.003-07:00

I went home for Christmas. I always have mixed feelings about going home. I LOVE being able to spend time with my family. I LOVE being CLEAN while doing so, because I actually remember what we did and we enjoy being together. But, going home also brings back a lot of memories. It is interesting how driving by certain places or seeing certain things brings back a whole rush of memories that make me sick to my stomach.
My brother-in-law and nephew picked us up from the airport. On the way to their house (they were very nice to let us stay at their house the entire week. Thanks Sis, BIL, and kids!) we passed my old townhouse. The place where this happened. My BIL said to my hubby, "I bet that brings back a lot of bad memories". He was actually referring to having to move all of my stuff and pack everything. But my little nephew's mind went directly to that night. He turned to me and said "Aunt Mami, it doesnt have to be bad memories anymore. Cause your body is all clean now and you dont have to take pills anymore. You are married and happy, so now we just have to have happy memories". It made my heart melt!! I gave him a hug and told him he was exactly right.
I really enjoyed this time spent with my family. We spent a lot of time together, laughing and just enjoying one another's company. The hardest thing for me was when the fun had to end. I REALLY miss getting together with my family each week!
As we were saying our last goodbyes to my Grandparents, my Grandma whispered in my ear that she and my Grandpa are very proud of me. She said they are so proud of the things I have accomplished and how my life has turned out. I started to cry at that point. I needed to hear that. It doesnt matter at what point an addict is at or how long they have, they still need to hear how proud people are and that they are doing good!
My Dad also told me many times how much they all enjoyed having us there, he said that was the best present he could ask for. It is so nice to hear that rather than being told my family doesnt want me around. There were so many times I was only tolerated, or I tolerated them. I ruined so many holidays and occasions because I was high. It felt so good to actually contribute to the happiness of the Holiday season!
I had a really hard time going home. But, honestly when we got home I felt a great deal of anxiety lifted off my shoulders. The memories that were triggered in Utah affected me more than I thought they would. I hate the feeling of guilt and being sick to my stomach because of choices I made in the past. I dont have those memories here. I have only good memories, no "using" memories. So, it was good to come back home and feel that serenity again!
I hope you all had a Happy Holiday and I wish you all a Very Happy New Year!
Love,
Jami

My Husband

2010-12-01T09:22:00.002-07:00

Hi! I really do apologize for being so sporadic in my posting. My life is crazy busy, but in a good way! It is so good to be busy. The busier I am, the less time I have to head run...which I have a tendency to do!!
I have had a few people ask me questions regarding my Husband and how he deals with my addiction. I have been hesitant to answer because it isnt the best situation, but it is what it is, so here goes. My husband has absolutely nothing to do with my addiction. I really believe in his mind, if he doesnt acknowledge it, then it isnt there. I am very blessed that I met my husband after my active addiction, so he has never seen me high with slurred speech and stumbling around. Hopefully he never does! He can tell when I have taken a pain pill, but I wasnt taking so many that I was embarrassingly high (I hope that makes sense).
My addiction is not something we discuss in our home. We just do not discuss it. The times when I have had to take the pain pills, my husband will say "have you told your Dad" because he knows my Dad is the person I talk to about my addiction. It is his way of acknowledging that he knows I have to be careful, but he passes the responsibility of talking about it to my Dad. I WISH I could talk to my husband about it. In fact, it is not healthy recovery to not talk about it. I dont wish to discuss the things I did in the past with my husband, but sometimes I would like to talk about how I am feeling in terms of my recovery and red flags I am feeling. My husband is the kind of person who thinks people who need help (whether with addiction or counseling in general) are weak, so he does not empathize with my addiction at all. He does not understand the concept of just deciding to quit something and moving forward. (in his defense, with his profession he sees a lot more than most people, and I think it has made him less sympathetic toward those things)
There was one situation when I had a prescription and I noticed I was starting to take too many. I started with one, then had to take one and a half, then two. Once I started having to take two I knew I needed to get rid of them, so I flushed the remaining pills. My husband did give me a hug and he told me he was very proud of me for making the decision and realizing I was headed down the wrong path, but that was about it. I tried to explain to him where my mind was and why I made the decision, but that conversation didnt get very far. He just told me again he was very proud of me and moved on.
Please know I love my Husband more than anything. He is my best friend and he treats me like a queen. We get along VERY well and we have a WONDERFUL marriage. I could never ask for more in terms of the love we have and the kind of marriage we enjoy. I know our situation is not the best for a strong recovery. Spouses should be able to talk to each other about these things, but in my home that is not a reality. I guess that is a lot of the reason we have sponsors. So we always do have someone to talk to. I am also very blessed because I have my Dad. My Dad has had to deal with this way too much in his life, but he is the one I call. I can tell my Dad anything about how I am feeling, where my mind is or whatever, and that helps my recovery a great deal. I am positive if I didnt have my Dad to talk to, I would more than likely be right back where I started in active addiction. I personally just need that outlet with someone who loves me.
So, for now, that is how my husband deals with my addiction, he doesnt. I know the people who asked those questions are spouses trying to find some way to deal with their addict / alcoholic spouse. I may ask my Dad to do a guest post from his point of view. We will see. Just for today I will stay clean and be grateful for all I am blessed with!

Love,
Jami

Great News!!

2010-11-02T12:58:00.002-06:00

Hi everyone (if anyone actually still reads the blog). I am doing SO good! I had surgery again about three weeks ago and I feel better than I have in months. Ive been telling my husband I keep waiting for the pain to come back, but it doesnt!! I cant tell you how much of a difference it makes in my whole personality to feel better. It is taxing on a person to be in that much pain all of the time!
Something did come up though. For those of you that have read the blog from the beginning, you know the decision was made not to tell any of my husbands family (besides his Mom) about my addiction. We felt this was a new start for me, and I didnt want to have that label. Anyway, a few weeks ago my sister in law called me to talk. I knew even before she said anything what she was going to say and I was dreading it. She said she had been reading some of my friends blogs (that I have listed on the side of my family blog) and from those she had seen the addiction blog. She was curious about it so she went to it. Well, lets just say she was shocked to see it was me. In a way it made me feel good because they dont see the addict side of me at all, so she was so shocked I had those tendencies. But, on the other hand, I knew my past was getting out around here, and I dont know if I am ok with that. My SIL was really amazing though. She told me she has a past, and she said if anything it made her feel closer to me to see that I had made some bad decisions as she had. But now I have a dilemma. My first thought is to go private, but I am afraid if I do that, then those who need help for themselves or those they love wouldnt have access to the blog, and they would not be able to learn from my experiences. So, my next thought would be to take my picture off, use a different name, and only first letters of others names and cities. The problem I see with that is I think this blog helps so much because I am real. I have shown my picture and given my name to show everyone that this does happen to REAL people. Not just the "druggies" you see on the streets. I would love any suggestions from anyone out there. I really dont want any of my friends, ward members, or especially my other BIL and SIL to find this blog.
So, there is my dilemma. At least I am feeling GREAT and have energy. I am even eating a TON better and I am actually gaining weight (I had lost 13 pounds the week before the surgery, not so good when I have no weight to lose anyway!) I am also proud of myself, so I have to say, I have drastically cut back on my diet coke consumption as well. I used to drink up to 3 20oz bottles a day. Now, I drink 1 12oz can a day at the most (right now it is 3:09 and I havent even had a sip of DC...YEA ME!!)
I did take pain medication after my surgery, and I know it was hard for my family to see. But I quit taking it as soon as possible, and I am currently not taking even ibuprofen...GO JAMI!!
I know this post is boring, but I am so proud of the progress I have made, with how good I FINALLY feel, and with the big step of talking to my SIL about my addiction. Its good to be alive and HAPPY!!
Love,
Jami

Being Strong

2010-09-22T12:34:00.002-06:00

I just saw this saying on someone else's blog, and I thought it was awesome. It said : You never know how STRONG you are..until STRONG is the only choice you have.
Well today, that is the only choice I have. I have been in a funk. I have been in dry drunk mode, ornery, always not feeling good, just down right feeling crappy. That comes directly from my actions, or lack there of. I havent chosen to be strong. I have chosen to be weak. But today, I realize, STRONG is the ONLY choice I HAVE. I am so glad I HAVE A CHOICE!! I am not in active using where that choice has been taken from me. Today, I have the choice to be strong. I have the choice to wake up and be happy, or wake up and be miserable (and make everyone around me miserable).
Today, I am realizing how truly strong I am, because this battle is far from over, but the battle of staying clean that I have been fighting for over 18 months, is SO WORTH IT!! In December of 2008, I would have never thought I would have made it this far. I dont think my family would have believed I would have made it this far. I have had bad days where I dont live on the "pink cloud" but I can live through those days without having to use. I am still learning to deal with my emotions, and with others actions. but I dont have to use. Today, I am strong, and the harder I work, the Stronger I will be become. So for me, Strong was the only choice I have had, and MAN, IM STRONG!!! Just for today I will keep taking things one day at a time, I will choose to be strong, one day at a time. I love you all!
Love,
Jami

Passing the Test

2010-09-03T10:15:00.002-06:00

This life is a test. Ive known that for as long as I can remember. I have to pass the test in order to gain the eternal rewards. Ive know that too. I also know I have to "Endure to the End". But, the human part of me is ready to be done with my "test" of addiction. At what point can I "pass the test". At what point can I get my passing grade, and move on with my Happily Ever After with my husband, and hopefully children one day?
If I look honestly at myself, I know it is because I havent passed the test, that is why. I know this is a lifetime disease, and a lifetime struggle. But, I am ready to be done. As I have been dealing with physical pain again (thus taking pain medication in a controlled environment), I can feel my body and mind going back to that craving, that yearning for that "high". That "High" that ruins lives, that "high" that ruined my life. That false sense of security, that temporary escape...but at this point, escape from what? From an amazing husband who loves me more than I could ever deserve, From My Dad, who is so proud of having a clean daughter he tells me often what a joy I am to him, From My family (Parents, siblings (including in laws), Nieces and Nephews, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins) who loves me unconditionally, calls me, wants to be with me, and loves and supports me, even from three thousand miles away? From my new Family in Florida who has accepted me and made me feel like I am one of them from the beginning, From some of the best friends I have ever had in my life, from my beautiful new home with every material thing I could ever hope for? From being financially secure, while still being able to afford to do and buy things we want and need?
What exactly do I need to escape from? Oh ya, my mind. My Mind that just wont stop. My mind that tells me I HAVE to use.
I often look at my life, look at where I am, and how far I have come. How hard I fought to get to where I am today, and sometimes, I can be proud of myself. Most of the time, I am ashamed of the addict part of me. I look at other peoples blogs and if I were noble I would see what they are going through and realize how blessed I am. But, guess what, Im not noble. I do see those blogs, my heart breaks for those people who lose children, spouses, loved ones. I do look at those blogs and I am grateful it isnt me. I pray for them, I have hopes for them, I really do want things to get better for them. But, I dont see those blogs and realize how blessed I am. I see my struggle with addiction just as much as a struggle as what they go through. I wouldnt wish the disease of addiction on anyone, or any family.
Then my addict mind gets even more upset. Like with struggling to get pregnant. I honestly find myself thinking "havent I struggled enough with this addiction thing that I should just be able to get pregnant. I dont deserve to have to go through this too" I know, messed up thinking. But I do think that. I feel somewhat like my trial is addiction, I am beating it, I havent won, but I am beating it, and I shouldnt have to face any other trial. I know, screwed up thinking. But, I am trying really hard to honest on this blog, and putting my honest thoughts on here is the best way to do that.
So, just for today, I will make more strides to pass the test. I am clean today, I am happy today, and I understand I am VERY blessed today. Just for today I will get outside of my own struggles and help someone else with theirs.
Love,
Jami

P.S. Please dont be offended by anything I wrote. I dont even know if this makes sense, it is a whole lot of thoughts thrown together in one post. But, please dont think Im a bad person because of what I have written.

The Lords Will

2010-08-02T12:58:00.002-06:00

I have been struggling a lot lately. A LOT!!! As I mentioned, this whole mess with pain pills started with my endometriosis. Well, here we are again.
Not to get too personal, but my husband and I had decided to go off the birth control to see what happens. We figure it will take us quite a while to get pregnant, so we may as well start trying. I didnt want to tell anyone because I didnt want the constant questions of if we are pregnant each month. I just wanted to be able to announce we are pregnant when / if that time comes. But, my body had different ideas. I am now remembering why I was on the depo shot for so long. But, I dont want to focus this post on my pain, I want to focus on the Lord.
Because of my constant pain and nausea, we couldnt really keep our situation a secret from our families. I have been in constant pain pretty much all day every day, and the last three weeks I have struggled to keep anything down, resulting in dramatic weight loss. I have gone to the emergency room probably four times in the last two months with excruciating pain where I was doubled over. Yes I have had IV pain medication and pain pills for the pain. I have been honest with my husband and my Dad, and we are trying to use things as sparingly as possible. So, please dont worry about that, at least at this point the addiction is not an issue.
Im rambling, I hate that. My husband and I have prayed and fasted. He has given me blessings and I have cried in his arms, a lot! If anything, this trial has made us a lot closer and our love a lot stronger as we struggle with making decisions. Being in pain all the time makes for a very ornery Jami, and I have a tendency to take it out on my hubby. He has been very patient and understanding, and my love has only grown for him.
I just want to be a Mom, but I dont know if my body or mind can handle this much longer. My Doctor says the pain will only continue to get worse, and he suggested I go back on a birth control shot for another six months. Does that make sense to you?? Go BACK ON birth control when I WANT to get pregnant? That doesnt make sense to me and as far as I am concerned it isnt an option. if I go back on birth control I might as well just have a hysterectomy. Which brings me to yesterday.
After another week of ER visits, pain, frustration and crying, we decided to involve our families a little bit more than we had been. I called my family and my husband called his. We asked them if they would be willing to fast for us yesterday (which they immediately said yes. In fact a few had said they were already planning to fast for us, and some had put our names in the temple). To fast for me that I may be able to handle the pain both physically and emotionally, to fast for my husband that he can be comforted, and if it is the Lord's will, to fast that we may be able to get pregnant quickly.
How amazing is the Lords gospel that so many people in different parts of the country can come together for one cause and rely upon the Lord? I have already seen the blessings coming. I woke up yesterday feeling VERY sick! I was throwing up again, in A LOT of pain and had a headache on top of that. I took some pain medication and phenergan in the hopes I could keep it down. By the time sacrament meeting was over I had made a complete turnaround. The pain was much better (not gone but very bearable), I was no longer nauseated and I had some energy. Today is even better. I am having very minimal pain today (I havent even had to take Ibuprofen today) and I havent thrown up once. I attribute it all to my family (that includes in laws) and their faith and prayers.
My husband and I also prayed during our fast that my boss would be understanding to my situation. He doesnt know we are trying to get pregnant, but he knows I have been extremely sick and missing a lot of work. Well, today when I came into work he asked how I was feeling and I told him I was doing good. A little while later he came into my office and told me not to worry about my job. He said he knew I was worried about it, but my job is not in jeopardy at all. If I have days I am not feeling well, I can go home and not have to worry about being let go. He told me my health is the number one priority, and I will continue to have a job here. What another great blessing because of fasting and prayer.
So, I know this post is all over the place with a lot personal information (and my husband would not be happy if he knew I was posting this). But I am overwhelmed by the blessings that are coming to my husband and I. So, NO we are not pregnant, and please dont keep asking us if we are. If we are blessed with getting pregnant, we will tell people at that time. In the mean time, my husband is doing his best to convince me we can be very happy just the two of us in this life and that we can raise kids in the millennium if we have to. But for me, just for today, I really want to be a Mom, in THIS life. So, prayers are appreciated!
Love,
Jami

To my Father on Fathers Day

2010-06-20T06:33:00.004-06:00

Last night I was driving into town for my friend's son's birthday party. We live about a half hour outside of town now, which I absolutely love! It gives me time to think and reflect while driving down some of the most beautiful canopy roads you will ever see. I was meeting My husband at the party because he was already in town for work. As I was driving, by myself, in the rain (which I love) My mind started thinking about Fathers Day and My Father.
Dad, I love you more than I could ever put into words, there are just not enough words in the English language to convey how much I love and appreciate you! You were my rock, and even though I constantly let you down, you were still there for me. You kept giving me chances, in the hopes that is might actually work this time. But, it never did and we were right back to where we started, or worse. But you were still there. Sometimes you had to love me from far away, I understand that, but I never once doubted your love for me. I ALWAYS knew you loved me. You didnt agree with me, in fact you HATED jami the addict, but you tried so hard to help Jami your daughter.
Ive only seen my father cry a handful of times in my life. So I know when my Dad cries he is truly sad, and truly hurt. The night I was in the hospital after this experience my dad was the one who had to come pick me up the next day. I was heartbroken that he had to do that. Actually I was scared to death! I was positive I would be disowned for good, right then and there. I thought he would yell and be mean and tell me how I had ruined his family. Instead he very calmly told me about what had happened (because I remembered very little). He told me how I had scared the boys pretty bad and really hurt some people, not physically, but they were hurt. Then when we got to my house he had the box I had made for Family Home Evening that says "No Empty Chairs". I had made a box for each family to display in their homes as a reminder that we want to be together forever, no empty chairs in our circle in heaven. He put the box on top of the tv and then went and got the two, now empty, bottles of wine from the kitchen. He placed one bottle on each side of the box. He was crying at this point. He told me to seer that image into my brain. This was the most punishment I could ever receive to actually realize what I was doing and who I was affecting. That was a HUGE turning point in my recovery. Because of my Dad.
My Dad has had to deal with more stuff with addicts than any man should. Not only does he have to deal with his daughter, but also another family member who is still in VERY active addiction. My Father is truly my hero. I wish I could stand up on the roof tops and tell everyone how amazing he is. He has lived in pure hell for the last 20 years, at least, and he deserves so much more than that! So, Dad, today on Fathers Day, I want you to know how grateful I am to you for sticking by me through it all. You know Im still not "fully recovered" this is a lifetime fight for me. But I have the fight in me, and I am fighting, one day at a time. My Dad and I were chatting on our gmail the other day and he said to me that he was proud of me, he said "Jami, you are one of my joys in my life right now." Dad, I hope to continue to be one of your joys, because you deserve joy in your life finally!
So Daddy, today I am clean (16 months clean on Wed), I am happier than I ever thought possible, and I am so grateful to you, my siblings and my extended family for your help in getting me where I am today. So, to the most amazing father I know, the man I am honored to call my Father, Happy Fathers Day Dad, I Love you!!
Love,
Jami

Im still Here

2010-06-18T07:49:00.002-06:00

I never realized how unfair it is for me not to post in so long until I read your comments and emails inquiring about me. I am so sorry, I truly am. I know I am an addict and to not hear from me in so long makes people wonder and worry. I am doing GREAT!!! I am happy, healthy, and CLEAN!
Our computer has died a violent death and the last few times I have sat down to post I have not been able to. We are in the process of getting a new one. It may be another month, but I promise once we get that set up I will do more posts. I just dont feel right about posting too much at work, and I dont want to post at my in laws on this blog.
My hubby and I purchased a beautiful new home and I still catch myself thinking I am living a dream. Jami the addict NEVER would have been able to achieve this, never. I am working and just enjoying life. I still have using dreams, quite a bit actually. I still have anxiety sometimes when I wake up and I still have thoughts of "needing to take a pill". But, I know I dont have to have it. I know I can live my life, one day at a time, without that.
So, again, I apologize. I am so grateful for all of you who continue to support me. Every time I see a comment from someone, or see people actually reading the blog it helps me in ways I can never express. So, thank you! I promise once I get my computer fixed I will post more. Until then, I will try to fit in a little bit from work, shh!!
Love,
Jami

To Be A Human Addict

2010-03-16T14:06:00.002-06:00

My husband and I had a situation on Saturday where my old days of using made me react to him in a way that he did not understand. Let me explain.
Back when I was actively using I LOVED Soma...even more, I LOVED Soma with Percocet. These drugs combined made me tired, loopy and drunk if you will. I slept all of the time. Even when i got clean I felt guilty for feeling tired because I knew my family would see that as a sign of using.
Well, that takes me to Saturday. I had had a long week. I had also stayed up pretty late Friday night scrapbooking with some friends. I went and got my hair done on Saturday morning, and by the time I got home I was ready for a nap. My husband wanted to go do something and I told him I wanted to take a nap first. He very innocently asked "why are you so tired". He didnt care that I was tired, in fact I think it was just a normal question to ask. He wasnt really wondering why I was so tired. In my addict mind, I immediately went to "He's accusing me of being high and that is why I am so tired." So I scuzzed him off and said "It was ok for me to be tired, now let me take a nap" (in a not very nice way).
After I woke up he asked why I got so upset over that one question. I tried to explain it to him. The funny thing is, he doesnt know me as the using Jami. So, his mind doesnt immediately (or even at all) go to thinking Im high. But for me, it does. I automatically think if people ask why I am tired they are accusing me of being high.
That is one of the hardest things I struggle with I think. Being human in general. I am human. Human's get tired...human's take naps...its ok for me to be tired and take a nap! To be honest, I think I struggle with it more than my family does. Im sure a part of their minds wonders when I am tired if it is because I am using. But I dont think their minds go there automatically anymore. At least I hope they dont. I hope that after a year of being clean I have gained some of that trust for them to realize Im just tired...and today, its ok for me to just be tired!!
Love,
Jami

Stressed in a Good Way

2010-03-12T09:53:00.003-07:00

Wow...so much has happened the last few months...some GREAT things, some SAD but GREAT at the same time, and just some things. First off is my job. I'm the BOMB!! (I just had to give myself a little credit) I absolutely love my job and I think I am doing very well. (Just ask my Dad, for some reason I have this need to call and tell him every time I do something good.) Im sure that is addict behavior of some sort, but I also think it is good, so I dont think I am gonna stop. For the most part I enjoy the people I work with and we have a fun time. I love going out and selling and having more of a management role. It is a boost to my ego that my boss asks me for advice and values my opinion.
The first couple of weeks I didnt handle the stress of working and having stuff to do at home so well. I was DeAd TiReD when I got home every night, and boy was I ornery. Matt told me he didnt like the "working Jami" and I realized I needed to change my attitude. I realized I am going to get stressed and tired, but I needed to handle it differently. Otherwise I could see it leading me right back to using. So, I have changed my attitude and made goals. I clean just small areas each night when I get home (for instance I cleaned the toilets in all of the bathrooms last night. That may seem small, but after coming home from work (and being sick on top of everything else) that was a big accomplishment. Baby steps, baby steps. My home is presentable enough that if anyone of you were to walk into our home today, I would not be embarrassed or ashamed. That's all I need!
It has helped me a ton to be busy doing what I love. I look forward to waking up and going to work. I do find myself at times when I go to meet with big clients thinking "I need a pill to help me get through this" but I quickly get those thoughts out of my head and encourage myself because I know Jami can do this. It was never the pills that did it, It was Jami.
So, My life is going SO good. Matt and I dont get to see each other as much as we would like, but we spend every second together that we can (which is pretty much our lunch breaks)
Today, I am Clean, I am Happy, I am Hopeful and I know I CAN DO HARD THINGS! (without pills) Just for today I will take care of myself physically and mentally, and just be happy with where my life is right now.
Love,
Jami

A time to mourn, A time to be joyful

2010-02-28T09:59:00.003-07:00

February 23, 2009 was the last time I used pills to get high...February 23, 2009 was my Grandma Carter's 76th birthday. I went to her birthday party loaded. I was kicked out by my family...we fought over my pills in my grandparents driveway, all while my Grandma and Grandpa sat in the house, sad beyond words.
February 23, 2010 was one year since I decided to get clean (I like to consider this my sobriety birthday so I can share this day with my Grandma)...February 23, 2010 was my Grandma Carter's 77th birthday. I flew to Utah from Florida and I spent her birthday next to her death bed as she lay in a coma.
February 24, 2010 would be what some would consider my one year clean date. February 24, 2010, I was one of six people in the room as I watched my beloved Grandma Carter pass through the veil to be with those who had passed before her. I stood next to my Grandpa and tried to comfort him as best I could as his sweetheart and eternal companion left him here on this earth.
My Dad told me if my Grandma had a dying wish it had been fulfilled. She had seen me clean, seen me stay clean, and seen me happy. (You might remember my Grandma supporting me from this post). I cant help but look back at the past year and realize how close I came to NOT making it. To not giving any of my Grandparents (because I know they ALL wanted that for me) the chance to see the Jami they really know and Love...
Yesterday we buried one of my greatest examples here on this earth, and one of my biggest supporters. Yesterday as I stood with my cousins to sing Families Can be Together Forever I realized WE CAN, and WE WILL, and I am finally doing my part to make sure that happens. I have been clean for ONE YEAR, and hopefully it is just the beginning. Because I am going to do everything in my power to be with my Grandma Carter again. One day at a time!
Love,
Jami
P.S. Please forgive me for not posting for so long. With starting my new job, and the emotional struggle I have had with my Grandmother the last three weeks, I just didnt have the strength mentally or physically to put together a post. I promise not to go that long again.

Feeling Normal

2010-01-31T10:06:00.003-07:00

Im sorry about the last post, but that is where my mind goes...the mind of an addict. I know my family is worried now, dont be. I thought about deleting the post, but Im not going to. This blog is all about my thoughts, the unhealthy and healthy thoughts of an addict.
I spoke with my Dad on the phone a few minutes after I wrote the post. He hadnt read the post, but after just talking for maybe a minute, he asked if I was ok. He could hear the desperation in my voice. Not really desperation, but the "panic" of an addict (I dont know if that makes sense but thats the only way I know to describe it). We talked for a little while about where I was, what I was doing, changing my thought process, he just helped talk me through it. Sometimes, ok a lot of times, that is just what I need. While talking with my Dad I came up with a couple of ideas about why I struggle.
I think a lot of it is being out of my element. You would think moving away from my "using" situations and contacts would stop the cravings. But, not only did I move away from the "using" situations, I moved away from my support system. Where I am now I dont feel like I can really be myself. Not that I want people to know Im an addict, heck, Id rather they not know. But without those who are supposed to be my "family" here knowing where I am coming from, I have nobody to turn to. Dont get me wrong, I know I have the chance to be a whole new person and be a strong Jami, but lets face it, I will never be normal. I have a few VERY GOOD friends here, in fact, more good friends than I had in Utah. Because of my addiction I didnt have many good friends in Utah. I stayed to myself a lot (or with my family when we were on speaking terms). So, I go out constantly with different friends, doing the things "normal" people do. We go to lunch, dinner, the movies, whatever, just being together. But while Im dying inside I cant talk to these "Good" friends about what really is bothering me.
I think that is my biggest issue. I feel like I am hiding this BIG part of who I am. Again, I dont want these people to know I am a recovering addict. I dont want to be judged for that. I just want to be Jami...normal (or as normal as I'll ever be) Jami.
So, Ive spent a lot of time on me knees the last few days. A LOT!! I can never get over the feeling of love and support I feel from my Father in Heaven. I was wondering last night if I really signed up for this HELL in the pre-existence (sorry, self pity was very evident in this thought process). Then I realized I did sign up for it, because I knew I would have my Father in Heaven to get me through it. I need to remember that. My husband also gave me a blessing of comfort and he said some things I needed to hear. So, I have a plan, I have the determination, and most importantly I have my Father in Heaven every step of the way. I CAN DO THIS...one step at a time.
Love,
Jami

AARG!!

2010-01-29T19:59:00.004-07:00

I am SO struggling!! My mind is going crazy and I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I am angry with myself. Very Angry!! I keep asking myself how did I let my mind get back to this point, this point of craving again? Its not craving the high exactly, its just the obsession, the compulsion associated with addiction. I have been reading my NA books and it talks a lot about the obsession. That is exactly what it is, an obsession with using. I HATE being an addict!!
My body is not craving the drug. I guess that only comes if you are actively using, but my MIND is craving the drug...BAD!! I am constantly preoccupied with thoughts of using. There is NO REASON for me to want to use. My life is wonderful right now, so much more so than I ever imagined. I got a job finally, I have a husband who treats me like a princess and loves me more than I deserve to be loved, I have a family who LOVES me unconditionally and is proud of me, and they tell me that often, I have all of you and more support than most addicts could ever wish for...I have no reason to use. There is absolutely no reason to want to escape from anything. My mind just craves that feeling of calm I guess.
So at what point does relapse start? I am not actively using, but I feel like my mind is relapsing..does that makes sense?? I feel like I dont have control over my thoughts and my emotions like I did before. Addiction is SO MUCH MORE than taking a drink or using a drug. It is very much a mental illness. It is a disease of the mind.
As I said I have been reading my NA book, doing my step work, studying my scriptures, praying, trying so hard to keep my mind occupied. I am hoping once I start my new job that will help to keep my mind occupied (I was offered a job with the same company I worked for in Utah except it is more of a management position. I start on Feb. 9th) I plan to go to the gym after work some days and go to NA meetings on the other days. But honestly, I am so frustrated. So frustrated with myself. I felt like I was doing everything I was supposed to do, so WHY am I so miserable?? I would love some advice on how to get my mind back to being quiet again (besides the things I have already mentioned). I guess the right word would be serenity, how do I achieve that serenity again? I know if I were in Utah I could go talk to my counselors and my aftercare group, but unfortunately I dont have that here.
Sorry if this post seems like a lot of complaining. I guess this is where I need to do my inventory and look at my character defects because they are running rampant!!! But sometimes I just need to get my feelings out. For my family, dont worry, I am not going to use, I just need to figure out how to put the monster back in the closet and quiet my mind again. Until then, just for today I will count my blessings and keep fighting the fight, one day at a time.
Love,
Jami

Overcoming a Hurdle

2010-01-22T15:32:00.005-07:00

Thank you so much for your comments, your advice and most of all your support. I am still here and I am still clean. I cant tell you how much it means to me that I have so much support from everywhere, even people I dont know. I am doing so many things people have suggested, and I am taking things one day at a time.
I overcame a HUGE hurdle this week, one that was inevitable. I had surgery on Tuesday. It was an outpatient laporoscopy for my endometriosis. I had gotten to the point where I had no quality of life. I was afraid I would get to the point where I needed to be on constant pain medication again, so we decided to do the surgery and hopefully buy us some time. I can already feel a huge difference, so I am confident the surgery worked.
I have known for a few months I would have to have the surgery, I just didnt know how soon until last week. Once the surgery was scheduled my addict mind really went back and forth on telling my family, mainly my Father. My Dad and sister(s) were aware I was having problems again (as far as pain and other symptoms), but I hadnt gone into the extent of anything. As an addict, even a recovering addict, your first instinct is to hide things like that. So many times in the past I have "faked" things to get medication, that I guess I was afraid they wouldnt believe me. I know it is a blessing that I did not have that issue. Those family members I spoke with did not question me at all. I didnt tell my Dad until I knew the surgery was scheduled, but then I called him immediately. I knew if I didnt, my addict mind might convince myself not too, and I knew that wasnt right. I NEEDED my Dad to know what I was doing. I am not ashamed, I have nothing to hide and I knew I was doing the right thing.
When I spoke with my Dad he supported me 100%. We talked about a plan, we discussed the medications, the doctors and being open and honest. I told him a part of me wanted to hide it from him but I knew I needed to tell him. He thanked me for telling him and he told me he TRUSTED me, he BELIEVED in me...That meant more than I can even put into words.
So, I had the surgery on Tuesday. Have I had pain medication, Yes...Have I abused that medication, No. In fact, I am proud of myself. At the hospital when they asked me if I wanted more pain meds in my IV, I said no, I just wanted Toradol (a non narcotic anti inflammatory). Right before I left they brought me one pill. She said she could give me two, but I told her I would be ok with only one. I have done really well taking the ibuprofen and the stronger stuff only when needed. In fact, for the first two days I think I waited too long to take the stronger stuff and then I really suffered until it kicked in, but thats ok. Better than the alternative. I have been COMPLETELY honest with my husband, my Dad, my Sister, anyone who has asked about my meds. I know my family in Utah can hear it in my voice, and I know my voice is strong.
I am completely aware there are some people who would not agree with me taking anything. I know there are some who may call it a relapse, or even say I am not clean because I took something. Those people are entitled to their opinion. If you ask me today, I am still clean, and I still have eleven months (tomorrow). I know some of you feel because I am an addict I should just have to suffer through things like that. Again, you are entitled to your own opinion. For me and my recovery, I am PROUD of the hurdle I crossed. I know that for the next few weeks I REALLY need to pay attention to where my head is. Because of this, you will probably see more posts for the next little while. I need that. I need to make sure I am ok. For now I dont feel taking the pills has affected my recovery, I dont feel a craving to take anything, and I honestly didnt take enough to feel any type of "high". So yes, I am still here, I am still clean, and I am still taking things one day at a time. Now I have to go back and lay down. I have a tendency to do way too much, way too soon (Hopefully, I will have some REALLY good news to post soon...only time will tell). Thank you again for your love and support. I love you!!
Love,
Jami

Not doing so good

2010-01-11T18:45:00.002-07:00

So, I havent posted for awhile, and I would like to say it is because I have nothing to write. In reality, I have so many feelings going through my mind. I am struggling, BAD!!! My mind is taking me places I dont want to be, and I am letting it run. I have not acted on the urges to use, and hopefully I wont. I havent said anything before now because I didnt want my family to worry. But, my Father is very perceptive and he called me to ask me specifically how I was doing with my addict brain. So, here it is.
I have been trying to analyze why I am struggling so bad. I have come to the conclusion it is because I am bored, extremely bored. Up until this point it seems I have had something to keep me busy. The wedding, honeymoon, moving, the holidays, going to Utah. But now, I dont have anything to keep my mind busy. I am home all the time, usually alone. Having so much free time has made me lazy. I find myself laying around, literally all of the time.There are days where I stay in bed all day. I have tried to find projects to keep me busy. I dont have my family around to do things with, and most of my friends work. Dont get me wrong, Matt's family is good to me, but I dont have that level of comfort to go hang out all day with them like I do with my family in Utah.
When I have too much time to think I start "glamorizing" using. I guess in my addict mind it makes me think that I would still be bored, but I could "feel good" while doing it. I put that in quotes because the real me, Jami, knows that isnt true. There is nothing good about being high. Unfortunately, it is getting harder and harder.
I did get a phone call about a possible job last week, and I am praying that it works out. If not, I have a couple of other prospects in mind. I have asked Matt for a blessing and he is going to give me one tomorrow. He doesnt understand what I mean when I tell him I am struggling, which can be good and bad. But, I have made him aware and I have made my Dad aware.
Also, my parents want to get me a plane ticket to go home the beginning of February. I have been dragging my feet on actually booking the ticket. Part of me is afraid to go home. The snow and cold have a tendency to depress me, which I dont think will help my situation. Plus, I have too many avenues to get Pills in Utah. On the other hand, it might be good to go spend time with my family for a few days.
So, that is where I am right now. I could say I am feeling like this again. It is hard. I am still rational and able to talk myself through the cravings, but it seems to be getting harder. Man its hard. REALLY hard!! But, Im taking things one day at a time, so here is to being clean today, tomorrow, well, we will deal with that tomorrow!!
Just for today I will realize how far I have come and REMEMBER how good it is to be here!!
Love,
Jami

Thoughts

2009-12-28T17:15:00.002-07:00

So, now that you all know my rock bottom, I wanted to try to explain where my brain was. I dont know if I can, I know where it was, I just dont know if I can explain it. Most addicts use when they are in stressful situations or going through hard times (or that is the excuse). Most addicts use because their life sucks. I cant really say my life ever really sucked. Yea, I would tell you it did. I wasnt married, didnt have kids, didnt really have any friends and I was a drug addict. But, my life in general didnt suck. My life could be considered very good, at the time, if you took away my using.
For me, I used when I was going to be around my family. I want to make it very clear that this was because of my addict thinking, not because my family really was bad. In my mind, I was not good enough for my family and I never would be. I was the failure. I felt like they looked down on me because I was divorced and they blamed my using for the divorce. I felt like they had never supported me through that situation. I thought they thought I wasnt good enough and that I never would be. I took comments they made and turned them around to make myself feel bad for myself (does that make sense?)
This is what makes me different from a lot of addicts. I had gone through my house flooding and losing MANY material possessions (including pictures, journals etc), my house being burglarized and other things that could be considered traumatic, but I didnt feel any desire to use. But, the second I knew I was going to have to be with my family, I felt like I needed to take a pill. So, that night, because I didnt have any Soma, I turned to the wine and Lortab. I knew exactly what I was doing when I walked into the Liquor store, but I really didnt have any control over what I was doing. I did not know how to live through that night without something. I literally could not have stopped myself.
It makes me physically sick now to think about the fact that in my messed up mind I thought I was going to babysit all of those kids while loaded. I really do Love those kids with all my heart, and there is no way I would ever subject them to that; in my right mind. But, unfortunately, I wasnt in my right mind. I thought I had complete control, when the results prove I did not. I thought the pills made me a better person, more capable of doing the things I wanted to do. I am so glad I was able to hit my rock bottom with physically harming anyone, other than myself. I thank my Father in Heaven every day for giving me a second chance, and a chance to apologize to my family. Just for today I will take the time to realize how truly lucky I am.
Love,
Jami

Rock Bottom

2009-12-15T14:59:00.002-07:00

On Thanksgiving I said it was a year ago that I hit my rock bottom but I didnt go into what happened. Today I think I have the courage to talk about it, so Im going to do it before I change my mind.
Over the course of 2008 I was using a "back injury" from when I ran into the semi to get constant prescriptions of Lortab, Soma and Ultram. When I was on Soma my family could usually tell I was high, but when I took the other things without the Soma they usually couldnt tell. I got to the point where the Lortab or Ultram alone werent enough so I was drinking wine to add to the effect. I was stupid because I know people can smell alcohol, but I could never smell it so I thought I was ok.
On Thanksgiving day we always go around the room saying what we are grateful for. My Dad said he was grateful I was doing so well. I had been drinking that morning, but I guess people couldnt tell, so I just played along. If I remember correctly, I even think I got teary eyed.
That Saturday was supposed to be a big day for me. My sister in law is a huge FSU fan (who knew I would be one day too) and it was the FSU vs UF game that day. So, we all went to my Brother and sister-in-laws house to watch the game. I had Lortab, which I took throughout the day. After the game, my siblings were finally going to trust me with their kids. They were going to bring all of the kids (ages 11, two 8 year olds, and two 2 year olds) except the newborn to my house to have pizza, watch movies and put up my Christmas decorations. They were going to use the opportunity as a date night.
After the game I had a decision to make. I could stay at my brothers until it was time for the kids to come over, or I could go home and get ready for them (or at least that is what I told my family). I decided to go home. Dont get me wrong, I did get ready for them. I bought lots of treats, Christmas movies, and got out all of my Christmas Decorations. But, I also went to the liquor store and bought two bottles of wine.
I went home and took some Lortab and drank quite a bit of the wine. I remember vacuuming and turning on a candle, but that is all I remember. Bits and pieces start to come back to me. But, from what I have been told, my nephews (the three older kids) came running into my house excited to spend the evening at Aunt Jami's. To this day I dont know how the door was unlocked, but it was, and sadly the three boys were the first to come in. They found me in a heap, on the floor at the bottom of the stairs. I guess I was crying and saying I just wanted to die. I do remember my brother coming in, yelling at the boys to get out, and then going outside and yelling at my sister and brother in law not to let the kids come in.
I ended up riding in an ambulance to the hospital and spending the night. My blood alcohol at the hospital was .4. Yes, you read that right .4. I should have been dead with a blood alcohol that high, not to mention the Lortab I had taken (I have no idea how many I had taken). Talk about rock bottom. The next morning when I woke up I remembered the girl who had taken my blood at the hospital was in my singles ward, and I knew I had to face my Dad.
My Dad took me home and he didnt yell at me or chastise me. He did the best thing he could have possibly done, he let me feel the guilt of what had happened. He told me the boys had found me, and he told me they were so scared, they wouldnt sleep in their own beds. They slept in their parents bedrooms. When we got home, he put the two now empty bottles of wine next to a box I had made for a family home evening that said "No empty Chairs" (signifying our family circle in the Celestial Kingdom). He told me to sear it into my brain. It is still there to this day.
I am embarrassed, humiliated and disgusted by what I did more than I can ever put into words. My nephews, especially my oldest nephew, were scared to death of me for months. It literally made them sick to have to look at me, as it should have. The children I love most in this world saw me at my lowest. Luckily, my brothers and sisters were so good at explaining to them that I had a disease, and that I did love them. They were a huge support to me while I went through treatment and they still are now. I know I was saved for a reason. I should have been dead (a girl who ways 110 pounds with a blood alcohol of .4 should not live, period), and I try to remember that every day. I was given a second chance, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Everyone's rock bottom is different, this is mine. I will talk about my addict thinking with the whole situation later, but to be honest, I am upset at having written this down. So, I think this is enough for today. A little at a time. Just for today I will realize everything happens for a reason, and I am a stronger person because of it.
Love,
Jami

So Excited

2009-12-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

Im headed to Utah tomorrow. My brother is coming home from his mission. Im so excited to see him. He isnt aware of anything that has happened with me and my addiction while he has been gone. I dont think he thought I was clean when he left, but I wasnt bad. He doesnt know how bad things got, that I went back to treatment, or that I have been clean for almost ten months.
Im curious to see if he notices the changes in me. I know the rest of my family has.
So, Im sorry this is short, but I have so much to do today. I promise to write again when I get back. We are also going to my sisters nursing school graduation while we are there and it is my Belly Button birthday on friday (the big 30) so we will be busy, and I am SO excited! This is my Christmas trip so I plan to take full advantage of the time since we wont be there for Christmas. I just wanted to let you all know I am still here, still clean, and still living my life, one day at a time.
Love,
Jami

A day to Truly be Thankful

2009-11-26T07:47:00.003-07:00

What a difference a year makes!! As I was laying in bed last night I couldnt help but reflect on where I am today, what I have to be thankful for, and the difference in my life from a year ago. See, it was a year ago this weekend that my world literally collapsed. A year ago this weekend I made some choices that changed lives, altered views and made my young nephews grow up really fast with the things they witnessed.
So today, I am thankful, no GRATEFUL for rock bottoms. I am grateful I hit mine without killing anyone or physically harming anyone (mentally and spiritually is a different story.) I am grateful I hit my bottom so I could start that long, hard climb back up to the top. I'm on my way. I have broken nails, scraped knees and knuckles and Ive hit some bumps, but Im making the climb, and I can finally see the top!!
I'm grateful to my family for loving me unconditionally (sometimes from a distance but loving me nonetheless). I'm grateful that they had faith in me when I didnt even have faith in myself. They knew Jami was in there somewhere, fighting to get out, and I am so grateful that they saw that. Addiction is such a selfish disease, and too many times the family suffers just as much (if not more) than the addict does. Im ashamed that I hurt my family so bad, but I am so grateful they never gave up on me, they never quit praying for me, and they never quit believing in me. I hope they know how much I truly love them!!
I'm grateful for trust. Both the trust I lost and the trust I am gaining back. I am grateful to be at a point where people can start to trust me again. It is a wonderful thing to be trusted, something I will never take for granted! Some of the sweetest words are "I trust you!"
On the other side of that, I am grateful for boundaries (I never thought I would say that!) Im grateful boundaries were set and when broken, there were consequences. Im grateful decisions were made which in turn made me see I had to make a choice, I had to do the work!
Above all, I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ. I NEVER would have been able to make it out of the depths of despair that I was in without the help of my Savior. He truly does carry you when the burden gets too hard, and He has carried me a long way!! I have felt the arms of my Savior wrap around me numerous times, even in things that seem insignificant. It is a feeling I never want to lose again! I am so grateful to have the knowledge of the Atonement, and to KNOW that it works, there is a plan, and no matter how far down I had let myself go, My Savior was waiting to help me back up.
Last Thanksgiving my Dad said he was proud that I was doing so well. I knew I wasnt. I was just fooling them. I knew I was using, but I played it up. Well this year Dad, this year you can be proud of me, because I am truly CLEAN. This year we can all be grateful for clear eyes and clear minds. Even though I am not able to be with my family this Thanksgiving, I am truly grateful to have a clean and sober Thanksgiving, cause even being across the country they can hear it in my voice, and I am so proud of where I am today. For that, I am thankful!!!
Love,
Jami

Physical Withdrawal

2009-11-20T15:34:00.002-07:00

I think I have been in denial for the last few months, and I have finally realized the physical impact of addiction has caught up to me. I dont feel good, and I havent for a good four or five months. I have REALLY been struggling with my health. I have tried really hard to hide it, bury it, rationalize it away, but the truth is, my body is still going through withdrawals. I have been struggling with every ailment my body can come up with. Not only do I catch every little thing that goes around, but I am constantly hurting somewhere, or feeling so tired and lethargic that it takes everything I have to get up and move.
As I deal with one headache after another, my husband has been extremely patient. I find myself constantly apologizing, trying to convince him that I really am not sick this much, because really Im not. I have wondered if I have always been sick a lot, but I was just too high to realize it, or if it is really the withdrawals. I have come to the conclusion it is withdrawals. I think my body is both withdrawing, and pushing itself to the limit to try to get the narcotics. I strongly believe my body is addicted to the drugs, remembers that "high" it liked so much, therefore it is doing whatever it takes to try to get that high. Not only is this a constant battle with my mind, but subconsciously, it is a battle with my physical body.
I am afraid my headaches will get to that breaking point where I cant take it anymore, and my body will realize that (does that make sense?) and push me to that limit. Because I will be honest, I am an addict, but I am also human and there is a certain point where I cant stand it anymore. I know many people think we should just deal with it, that I am the one who chose to be an addict so I deserve to have to deal with the pain. But I dont know at what point I will break, and I dont want to break.
I have spoken to my husband and my Dad about it. They both worry. My husband worries a lot, and I am glad we are able to talk about it. Luckily they both validate for me that I am not crazy. That withdrawal and physical illness like this is "normal" for an addict. But they also helped me validate something else, something I didnt quite see. I am not feeling well physically because I am fighting (and winning) the battle of my life. If I continue this battle one day at a time, even if I feel like crap, it is one more day under my belt. I am in this for the long haul. Hopefully it gets better. I know it will. I also know it can take years before I feel 100%, but today I am one day closer. So just for today I can take it so bring it on!!
Love,
Jami

A concert and A Memory

2009-11-15T18:19:00.005-07:00

Hi Y'all. Im still here. I apologize I havent written for a couple of weeks. My husband bought me a plane ticket and I got to go on a much needed trip to Utah. I really missed my family and it was nice to spend a week with them. Since I have been home (with my husband), between computer problems and bronchitis I havent had the chance to post, and I apologize. We are still having computer problems, so I apologize if it takes a while again after this, but hopefully it wont!
I really struggle back and forth a lot with what to post lately. Ideas for posts dont come so readily, and I am still pretty hesitant to say a lot about my past on here. I have a hard time remembering specific things, although I do remember when I see pictures, or remember specific events.
For instance, I was able to go to a Marvin Goldstein (Love him!) piano concert with my husband on Thursday night (my husband was a good sport and "suffered" through it for me.) As I sat and listened to the piano, my mind wandered to other events like this. I was thinking about how nice it was going to be that I would remember this concert because I cant remember a lot of events from before when I was using. The specific one that came to mind was Riverdance. We got tickets and my whole family was able to go. Unfortunately, I dont remember much of anything that night because I was loaded. I dont remember my family specifically accusing me of being high that night (although they very well could have and I dont remember), but I was. I slept through a lot of the performance and I stumbled when I walked. I distinctly remember trying to talk "normal". I remember waking up at one point during the concert and I remember standing outside after the concert. That is all I remember of the whole night. I recall being extrememly embarrassed (sadly, not embarrassed enough) that night and embarrassed for my family. Even now I am sick to my stomach thinking about it. In fact, as I write it, I am humiliated. Extremely humiliated.
In my addict mind, I still think, "maybe my family still doesnt know I was high that night. Maybe it will just add to their disappointment if I write this." Again, that is my addict mind. I think that is why it is so hard for me to talk about my past. I dont want to add to anybodies disappointment or embarrassment for that matter. So, I am trying and more will come out as time goes on. But for today I am taking baby steps.
Love,
Jami
Question: I have been contemplating changing the blog so my name is not involved to add a little more anonymity. Does it help to put a name and a face to the addict, or does it not really make a difference? Please let me know. Thanks!

Playing the Tape all the Way Through

2009-10-29T10:22:00.003-06:00

I am fully aware that with the disease of addiction it is an every day battle for recovery. I know this, but it doesnt make it any easier. Ive heard it gets easier as time goes on and I am sure it does. Dont get me wrong, I have had some really good days, in fact way more good days than bad. Many days where addiction doesnt really cross my mind. But then, I have had some bad days.
This past couple of weeks have been a lot more bad days than good. Not BAD as in active addiction bad, but just not good. I have just not felt like myself. Im sure someone not familiar with my situation would not even notice, but I notice. There have been days where I am very irritable (my poor husband), days where I am very lazy, and days where I just want to be done.
There have been two days where I literally felt like crawling out of my skin. I dont know how to describe it, but it feels like I cant relax, I cant think of anything that will calm me down (except a pill of course which is not an option). On those days I finally just cried. Literally sobbed. My poor husband again just holds me, not really understanding where I am coming from, but being there for me none the less.
This is where the thinking of an addict becomes a problem. I can trace back my thoughts to see what got me to that situation. I can see what character defects are out of control enough that I am back in the addict mind frame. When I am feeling this way, I literally have a battle raging in my head. The easiest solution for an addict would be to get some pills (not taking into consideration actually finding a way to get them ie, a doctor, a script, a pharmacy etc.) but the other option is using my tools. To actually step away for a minute and think about where my mind is. Would it really be worth it to take a pill right now? I KNOW how to get out of this mind set, but am I really willing to do it? The pill would be much easier now, but playing the tape all of the way through, it would be a disaster in the end.
So just for today Jami won this battle. I have not won the war by any means, but today I am clean. I have been praying, A LOT. My husband and I have come up with some immediate solutions that I think will help, I have done my inventory thoroughly, and today, I am very proud of who I am. I am "happy in my skin" and looking forward to the future; because I promise you, when I play the tape all the way through, I am much more excited for the ending with a Jami who is clean!
Love,
Jami

Wanting everything to End

2009-10-20T17:32:00.005-06:00

I think I am ready to take small steps in regards to talking about my past. I have been struggling with how to do this without hurting those I love. So, in order to do this, I am going to ask that my Grandparents not read this post. My Grandparents have been some of my biggest supporters, and I know they read this blog faithfully. But, I love them too much to have them read about some of the things I have done, yet I know I need to write these things down. So to my Grandparents, please just read my regular blog for now, and just know I love you and I dont want to hurt you any further.
Many "emotions" come with addiction. I say emotions loosely, as I really think as addicts in active addiction we either feel really sad, or just plain sad. I cant say that we really ever feel happy. Most addicts attempt suicide many times. Mostly, we do it to get attention. We think if we "try" to kill ourselves (not really trying, but acting like we are trying) our families will realize how much they have hurt us and they will change things. Because of course in our minds, they are the ones who need to change. (We dont understand that our families are actually praying that we do die at times. That for them it would be easier.) Very rarely do we actually intend on killing ourselves. We may hurt ourselves, but we dont actually want to die.
There are also times when we truly do want to die. We dont feel like we can continue living our lives the way we have been, but we dont see a way out other than death. I know many times I prayed to the Lord to please just let me die. I prayed when I went to sleep at night that I wouldnt wake up the next day. Of course I always woke up.
My "suicide" attempts were always "trying" to overdose. I learned rather quickly that you cant really overdose on Tylenol or Ibuprofen (at least you wont die quickly) and I got really sick of drinking charcoal. I was too much of a wimp to hurt myself in trying any other way.
I can think of only one time when I truly wanted to die. My Dad was out of town on business and I was supposed to be staying with my Mom and Sister. My Mom and Sister found out I had just gotten a prescription, so they told me I couldnt stay there so I had to go home. When I got home I lost it. Literally lost it. I cant remember anything else terrible that was happening in my life, but for some reason I had had enough. I can tell you for the first time ever, I REALLY wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill myself for two reasons (actually three)...First of all, I could no longer live the way I had been living. I was so sick of living that way that I literally could not go on. Secondly, I wanted my family to miss me. I wanted them to feel as bad as I felt, and I thought the only way they would feel that way was if I killed myself. Thirdly, in the complete opposite of that, I did not want my family to have to deal with me anymore. Even though I blamed them, a small part of me knew I was hurting them, and I didnt want to hurt them anymore. This was the only way I knew to fix everything.
I wrote a note. Boy was that note full of hatred, self pity, resentments, finger pointing. Nothing about love or being sorry (except to my dr who was giving me the pills...how messed up is that?) I thought about calling the police to come get my body but I decided against that. I figured it would take a while for my family to even miss me, and I hated my roommate, so I didnt really care if she had to deal with my dead body. In my mind it served her right for being such a witch to me. I had a new prescription of 60 Soma and 60 Lortab so I had plenty of pills to kill me and I can honestly say I wanted to die.
But, I didnt take all of the pills. The addict in me couldnt or wouldnt. See, I knew there was a chance someone would find me before I died and call an ambulance. Then I could possibly be saved. So, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of pills left so if I didnt die for some reason, I wouldnt be without pills. (This sounds so stupid to me now, but it is exactly how the addict mind thinks. As addicts in active addiction we have to plan for these things, we always have to make sure we have pills). I took 15 Soma and 15 Lortab at once (and I know I had taken some before that but I cant remember how many). I should have died. I took the pills and went to sleep. Much to my horror, I woke up the next morning to my phone ringing. It was my boss because I was late for work and they were calling to check up on me. To this day I dont know why I didnt die. I dont know how my body possibly survived all of that medication inside me.
So I woke up, but my desire to die was even worse than it had been the night before. I got ready for work, but I had no intention of working that day. I took another handful of pills and drove toward my work. The place I used to work is close to an industrial area and there are quite a few trains that go through there. So, I decided to park on the train tracks. I knew death would be fast, so I wouldnt feel much pain. I actually drove to the train tracks and stopped my car. The first couple of times I tried it, cars came up behind me so I had to move. The third time I was actually sitting there and saw a train coming, but I couldnt do it. A boy had committed suicide a couple of weeks earlier on the tracks, and I remembered thinking about how bad I felt for the engineer of the train. I didnt want to do that to someone, so I moved again.
But still, I REALLY wanted to die. At this point, my work had continued calling, and I had a couple of friends calling to make sure I was ok. I just lied and told them I was stuck in traffic but I was fine. Then I saw a semi parked on the side of the road and I decided I was going to hit the gas and ram my car into the back of the semi.
Not the most brilliant plan, but I was sure it would work. So, I floored the gas and slammed into the back of the semi. Again, I was fine. My car was crunched and I was hurt a bit, but unfortunately (in my mind) I was alive.
After that didnt work, I figured I just wasnt meant to die that day. A couple of weeks afterward I talked to my Bishop about what happened. He told me someone was watching out for me that day. That I was meant to live because I had something very important to accomplish. A small part of me thinks it may be through this blog that I am fulfilling my mission. I hope so.
I hope this post gives a little bit of insight to where my mind was and how addiction distorts our thinking so much. I know my family was in no way to blame for my behavior, it was not their fault that I felt like I wanted to die, and they did not deserve to be treated the way they were treated. I hope I make that clear when I post, that my thinking was very distorted and not rational at all. I pray that by my telling these personal experiences I am helping someone, hopefully saving someone from making the same mistakes.
Just for today I will realize my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and as long as I am living worthily he will guide me every step of the way!!
Love,
Jami

The Wreckage of Our Past

2009-10-01T21:02:00.002-06:00

We are taught in the program that we are going to have to face the wreckage of our past. That happened to me this week. Before I got married to my ex-husband I worked at a bank and I absolutely loved it. I loved everything about it. But, unfortunately, my addiction and problems with my ex-husband took me away from the job I loved. I have never gone back into banking. I'm not sure why, but I havent.
Well, here in Florida the perfect opportunity arose for me to go back to doing what I loved. Not to mention the pay was good, the company pays 100% of the benefits, it has banking hours and it is right down the street from my home. I got through the initial application process, the first round of interviews, and was one of three chosen to interview with the CEO and the CFO. Unfortunately, that is where it ended. The wreckage of my past came back to haunt me. See, when you work at a bank they check your credit. My credit SUCKS!!!
I was literally told I was chosen for the position but they couldnt hire me because of my credit. Heck, I had wonderful references, a good resume, good work history, but my credit didnt pass. Most addicts have terrible credit. A lot of people who are divorced have terrible credit. Combine the two and you have me.
So, although I have been living the way I should, one day at a time, my past came back to haunt me. It doesnt matter that I would NEVER steal from the bank. When I worked at the bank before I was never out by even a penny, and I handled accounts worth millions of dollars. It doesnt matter that I am clean and sober, that I am trying my hardest to live an honest life. You cant really tell that to a potential employer. "Hey, I used to be addicted to drugs, but I'm clean now, so you should hire me."
So, my unemployment is running out and I am no closer to finding a job now than I was when I moved here. Obviously going back into banking is out of the question. I could use this as an excuse to have a pity party and think why me, but honestly, why not me? Just because I am clean does not mean I dont have to clean up the wreckage of my past. I am very blessed to be married to a man who is able to support me, not only monetarily, but emotionally. He does not hold my bad credit against me, he didnt blame me for not getting the job. He is supporting me 100%, and we are both confident that the right position will come along when it is supposed to.
The wreckage of my past leads me to something someone posted on a comment. I was asked to go into my past addiction, what my bottom was and the things I did as an addict. I am sure many of you are wondering why I havent gone into that. It is very hard for me to explain, but I will try.
My active addiction is something that makes me cringe when I think about it. I hate Jami the addict. To think about the things I did and said, how mean I was, how dishonest and manipulative I was, how many people I hurt, it literally makes me sick. The thoughts and memories come into my mind often, but it is hard for me to talk about them. I know there will be a point that I have to discuss them, not only for the blog, but mostly for my recovery. I am trying to get the courage to do so.
A lot of it also is that my husband never knew Jami the addict, and in my little world I want to keep it that way. He doesnt even know the things I did, what my bottom was. He knows I am an addict, he has an idea of who I was in active addiction, but he doesnt know specifics. I think we would both like to keep it that way. Again, in our own little world.
I am completely aware that I need to be open and honest. I know my husband loves me, in spite of my past. With this in mind, I am processing in my mind the steps it will take for me to have the courage to post those things on this blog. It is coming...soon, I hope. Please be patient with me as I am still learning to come to terms with who I used to be and defining that person into who I am today.
Just for today I will work to gain the courage to let others see inside me with the faith it wont be to judge me, but to learn from me.
Love,
Jami

A Family Disease

2009-09-21T15:00:00.002-06:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much addiction impacts the family. In recovery, addiction is often referred to as a "family disease". Any family who has suffered will probably understand the meaning behind this. Sadly, addiction does not just affect the addict.
Many family members are considered co-dependent. A co-dependent is pretty much someone whose life is controlled or manipulated by someone, usually a drug addict or alcoholic. Co-dependents will make excuses for us, they will give us money, they will "cover" for our behavior, in essence, they enable our addiction. I was watching Intervention last week (I would suggest anyone affected by addiction should watch Intervention. It is on Monday nights on A & E) and it had a few perfect examples of co-dependents.
First, there are the co-dependents who are "addicted to the addict". The addicts behavior takes over their life. They are constantly worrying, constantly wanting to know what the addict is doing, where the addict is, what the addict has used, etc. The addict is their drug. They worry about the addict just as much as the addict worries about their drug. The co-dependent to do this is usually the person closest to the addict, usually the spouse or parent. I have seen co-dependents like this really struggle when their addict gets clean. They are so used to worrying about the addict, they really struggle when they dont have to worry like that anymore.
Co-dependents also give us money, a place to stay etc. On the episode I saw, the addicts sister and Mom both gave him money because they said if they didnt, then he would have to panhandle on the street to get it. SO WHAT??? I've also heard it said that "if we dont give him / her money for drugs, he or she will get it somehow. They may commit a crime or something". Again, SO WHAT??? A lot of Mother's will say they have to give their children money, they have to give them a place to stay, they are their mother. If they at least let them sleep at their house they know where they are. They know they arent cold out on the streets. This is enabling. This is helping the addict to stay sick. A co-dependent is in NO WAY helping an addict by doing these things. I cant say it enough, DO NOT give us money, DO NOT let us live with you if we are actively using. If we are in recovery and trying to get and stay clean, by all means give us a place to live. But as long as we are actively using, it is doing more harm than good.
I had the opportunity to be in a situation last night where I saw a woman who had overdosed on pills. She had just refilled a prescription a couple of hours before, and had taken six pills of a VERY strong medication, along with some other less strong pills (still prescription pain meds).
This woman had some family members who were adamant that she needed help. They wanted her to be taken to the hospital, and they were willing to do whatever it took for her to get the help she needed. They felt like they had enough, and they were done enabling her. Unfortunately, one family member did not feel this way. He just happened to be the one who "had the authority" to decide if she stayed at the hospital or not. He said he would like to think she isnt trying to hurt herself and that she doesnt need help. In the next sentence he said he wanted to get her whatever help she needed, but he didnt want put her through all of that at the hospital.
Unfortunately, I was not in a position to say anything. I did have someone who was in the position to say something tell him that she did need help. He was told that although it may be hard on him now to feel like he was doing this to her, it would only help her in the long run. Unfortunately, I dont think it sunk in. I hope it did, but I have a feeling she is back home today, pills in hand.
This is what addiction does to the family. It puts family members in positions no family should ever have to be in. Sadly, the addict takes drugs to not have to deal with this, but the family doesnt have that luxury. I would strongly suggest al-anon and the LDS 12-step meetings for family members. Even if the addict isnt getting help, the family can, and they should. Families should learn that its ok to step away. It's ok to tell us no. It's ok to kick us out. It's ok to be honest. It may be the hardest decision a parent, spouse, sibling or child ever has to make. To cut off their loved one, to do what needs to be done, but in the long run, it is for the best.
I've decided all of the addicts in active addiction probably hate me for this blog. I would have hated myself. But I am ok with that. Because if they hate me now for something that will help them in the long run, it is all worth it. Families, it will be worth it for you too! I promise!
Love,
Jami

My Boring Life

2009-09-21T14:45:00.002-06:00

I was talking to my Dad on the phone the other day. Of course he asked me how my addict was doing. This is a common question when I talk to my family, which it should be. I told him it was good. My mind is so quiet. I was telling him that I havent posted in a couple of weeks because I havent really had anything to post. I dont want to bore the readers of the blog with my life, because for once my life could be considered just that, boring. At least as compared to what it has been in the past. He suggested I write a post about my life being boring. My life has actually been jam packed, in a boring kind of way. I have been trying many new things, having experiences I honestly thought I would never be able to experience. I even used some of my addiction tools to face my fear of sharks and go snorkeling in the ocean. I am enjoying my new "boring" life.
My dad also told me he thinks I am impacting many lives in ways I will probably never be aware of. I like to think maybe I am (a lot of you have e-mailed me and told me that, thank you). I like to think maybe I can turn my battle with addiction into something positive. So Please, if you have any ideas on things I can discuss on here, things you would like me to talk about, questions you have or clarifications you need, please let me know. I am here to help and if anything (in a selfish kind of way) it helps my recovery, a lot!
Love,
Jami

Ive had Enough

2009-09-04T15:00:00.000-06:00

I decided this week I've had enough!! I dont want to be an addict anymore. I dont want to worry about where my mind is anymore. I just want to be normal.
Ive had a UTI the past couple of weeks that was KILLING my back. Matt said I needed to go to the doctor, I refused. A normie could just go to the doctor, get help with the pain, get on antibiotics, be done. Not me. Not a drug addict.
So, I lay in bed...in terrible pain with tears rolling down my face. Yes, they were tears of pain, but they were tears of so much more. It just isnt fair. It isnt fair that I have to "deal" with excruciating pain..it isnt fair that I have to have anxiety about going to the doctor. I know some people think that because we are addicts we brought it upon ourselves, so we should just have to suffer the pain without anything, but again, it just isnt fair.
I was in self pity mode about this, BAD!! I talked to Matt and we came up with a plan, and because I couldnt stand it anymore, I went to the doctor. Of course he went with me. Of course, I didnt even go near the subject of pain pills. I quickly said the ibuprofen was helping so I would just take that, if they could give me some antibiotics...So, I got a SHOT...of antibiotics, a PRESCRIPTION....of antibiotics, and we were on our way.
Did I tell the doctor I am a recovering drug addict? No...should I have? Probably Yes. This is where the I'm done part comes in. I didnt want to be LABELED...I dont want to be a drug addict here. Part of me feels like I have started a new life, and maybe I can get away from that. But, the rational side of me knows I can never escape that monster in my brain that is just yearning to be released again.
So, I dodged that bullet, but, by not being truthful to the doctor, I wasnt being truthful to myself. At some point, I may not be strong enough to dodge that bullet. I will admit, a BIG part of me thought I would be ok to take pain pills, just for a couple of days, just until the pain got better. The same pattern of behavior, the same addict thinking. It makes my addict mind start running though, when is the pain bad enough to take that risk?? Truthfully, I hope I never have to find out, thankfully, I havent had to. Honestly, I wish I just didnt have to deal with it!
Just for today I wish I wasnt an addict, but I realize I am. Just for today I am grateful I have the "choice" of taking a pill, because six short months ago, I didnt have a choice.
Love,
Jami
On a side note: I was asked by a couple of people about what we decided on telling my husbands family about my addiction. He told his mother, and they decided they didnt think we needed to tell anyone else. So, my husband and my mother in law are the only ones that know. In a way I am grateful, because again, I dont have that label. But on the other hand, my struggle with addiction is a huge part of who I am. I am taking it a day at a time, and if it ever comes up I am ready. If not, they know the only Jami they ever need to know!

Why arent I feeling better?

2009-08-30T19:19:00.003-06:00

I correspond quite often through my addiction e-mail (ldsaddict@gmail.com) with not only addicts but family members also. There seem to be a few questions that come up quite often, and I wanted to address one of them today. More than once I have been asked why, when an addict has stopped using, they dont feel better. Why if they arent using anymore, do they still have no energy, feel depressed, just generally down in the dumps? My response to that is quite simple, yet not so much.
I posted once about the analogy of asking someone to quit breathing oxygen (see post here) and how you have to teach them a new way to breath. This is exactly what that analogy is all about. It is WONDERFUL to "quit using"!! Dont get me wrong, it is the hardest step, physically. But yet, that is physically. If you just stop using, you have in essence taken the oxygen from your body, but you have not shown your body a new way to breath. It is struggling without something it does not know how to function without.
Let me give an example. For me, I ALWAYS had to take something to go to church. I DID NOT know how to sit through church without some kind of chemical boost. If I just quit taking the pills, my mind would still "think" I needed something to sit through church. I physically nor mentally COULD NOT do it. Ya, I guess I could do it, but it was a struggle. My mind would run, I would be completely pre-occupied with taking something, my character defects would take over causing me to be ornery and depressed, and my mind would make me be physically drained without the drug (and I would usually end up in a doctors office with some "illness" requiring pills).
As addicts, we dont have a using problem, we have a thinking problem. If it was a using problem, we should be able to take away the drugs and everything would be fine, but unfortunately it is so much more than that. I cant stress that enough...to families or addicts. We have to change our whole way of thinking, EVERY aspect of our lives.
The term for this is a "Dry Drunk". This is when the addict in your family is SO ornery, so mean that you almost want to beg them to use so you dont have to deal with them. (It is a catch 22, if they arent using they are mean and ornery, if they are using they are probably nicer, but you have to deal with the loopiness, slurred speech, etc.) For the addict, this is when you feel literally like you are going to die. You are in miserable Hell, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Eventually, if you quit breathing and deprive your body of oxygen without training it to breath a new way, you WILL go back to breathing the way you know how. For addicts, if we quit using and deprive our body of that mental escape without training our minds to work differently, we will go back to using.
As addicts we HAVE to admit we have a thinking problem. We HAVE to be willing to put in the effort to re-train our minds to work without that chemical boost! Addiction is SO MUCH more than using drugs!! So, when people ask me how long they should expect to feel this way (or their family member should expect to feel this way) I wish I could give them a time frame. But, unfortunately unless some effort is made mentally, the pain will never go away, it WILL NOT get better. Once we TRULY enter recovery, the change is almost immediate in our personalities. We sit on a pink cloud of happiness we have not known for a long time (if ever!)
I promise you it is worth it. I promise you that you (or your loved one) can get clean, and stay clean for the rest of your (their) life, one day at a time!
Just for today I will examine my life and my character defects to see where I can improve. Just for today, I am clean!
Love,
Jami

Thoughts from my Brother

2009-08-27T08:17:00.003-06:00

I mentioned I wanted my family to comment on the trust issue, and my brother did...I posted his comment to that post, but I wanted to actually do a post on it, so here are my older brothers thoughts on trust...Thanks Cory, I love you!

"Ok, so Jami asked that someone from her family post a comment on her "trust" entry, so I thought I'd pipe up since I was right in the middle of the struggle with her.

I am Jami's brother and actually have quite a bit to say to the families of addicts concerning trust. The point Jami made concerning not giving trust too readily is probably the largest struggle family members can face. We feel as though we are not being "supportive" - which the addict will say during a moment of manipulation - or we feel like we should be able to get over the feelings of mistrust if the addict is "improving." The reality is, there is nothing wrong with not trusting an addict!

Addict behavior is selfish, deceitful, and destructive. An addict will do anything necessary to obtain the "prize" - the high, the feeling of being in control, regardless of how it affects anything or anyone around him or her. What family members need to realize is that an addict can NEVER be trusted, but a loved one can. Confused? Let me explain...

There is a big difference between an addict and the person you know and love. Addiction is a disease, almost an alter personality, that takes control of the actions, mind, and body of the infected person. It is my firm belief that despite the greatest attempts of the addicted person to control the addict, it is impossible without professional help. That is why I say an addict can NEVER be trusted. As a family member, what you need to do is figure out when the addict is no longer in control, and your loved one has returned. Only then, can you show your trust to the one you truly do trust, but not to the addict.

If family members and friends show trust toward a person still controlled by addiction, it will lead to nothing but disappointment, which actually hurts the addict. Most people being controlled by addiction with whom I've spoken, actually are ashamed that the addict controls them. The addict thrives on disappointment and takes the person lower, thereby attaining further control. By showing the addict trust, which is ALWAYS broken by the addict, we will eventually show our disappointment and hurt that we have been taken advantage of, which sets off the following chain reaction...loved one gets hurt, addict sees the hurt, the person controlled by the addict feels bad and "worthless" for once again hurting the loved one and gets depressed, addict gains further control of the distraught and gains power.

As family members and loved ones of those affected by addiction, it is our responsibility to withhold trust and not allow the addict power by further using and abusing us. If you can show "tough love" by telling the person attempting to overcome addiction how we care about them but do not trust them, and do not allow them opportunities to deceive us, we are providing the best support possible.

I hope that all makes sense. Regarding my relationship with Jami, my wife and I were the only people in the family who were willing to stick to our tough love, which I firmly believe helped Jami. We were quick to let her know we loved her and hated the addict, and were open, telling her we want to trust her, but can't. We took all necessary steps to protect ourselves and not give her addict the chance to "pull one over on us" but always explained why and that we looked forward to the day she would return and we could trust her again. It was hard and we sometimes were ridiculed by other family members for openly showing our distrust, but we knew it was giving Jami power by not allowing the addict to deceive.

The fact is, we still don't trust the Addict at all, but we are beginning to trust Jami. I am not afraid to call out the addict or make Jami prove the addict is not in control, but I do realize that as we take our time and allow Jami to prove herself, we are starting to see her return to power, earning the trust she once had. "

Just for today I will continue to gain that trust by working on my recovery and being Jami...
Love,
Jami

A Milestone Today

2009-08-23T10:52:00.002-06:00

One Hundred Eighty Days...Six Months...However you look at it today is a pretty big milestone for me. Six Months Clean. I know I have never put my clean time on here, mainly because I was ashamed at how short of a time it is, but man, it is HUGE for me. I have EaRnEd every day of these last One Hundred Eighty Days, and I am not ashamed of it any longer!
Six months ago, I never thought I could do this. It hasnt been easy. Those first days, weeks, minutes of holding on for dear life. The cravings, the using dreams (I still get those, had one last night in fact), the mind running, the need to use. A huge step indeed!
To a normal person, six months is nothing. You are probably thinking its no big deal. Well, for an addict, 24 hours is a struggle, let alone 30 days, 60 days etc...I remember my Grandma asking me to take it five minutes at a time for her, I remember mentally battling the cravings. WANTING, NEEDING to use, but realizing how much I had to lose if I did; everything! I dont want to go back to those early days for anything, but sometimes you have to experience the worst to realize how much you appreciate the best.
I'm not going to say it is easy now. Recovering from addiction is a daily thing, it is something I continue to work on. I am constantly looking at myself, taking my inventory, and working to change my way of thinking. I dont really crave anymore, I have been blessed to have that urge lifted from me by my Father in Heaven, but I think about using. At the oddest times using will cross my mind, when I least expect it.
Thank you to those of you who read and those of you who comment on this blog. YOU are a big part of my recovery and I cant thank you enough! Thank you to my family (my WHOLE family) who has struggled with me, hated the addict, but LOVED me unconditionally (even when they couldnt stand me!), and most importantly, never given up. This six months is as much a milestone for you as it is for me and I love you for that! Most importantly Thank you to my Heavenly Father, who saw the potential I had, and gave me EVERY tool possible to reach that potential. I have not reached that goal by a long shot, but with His help I am well on my way.
So hopefully, as I take my recovery one day at a time I will still be here, clean and happy, to post when I have one year clean. But just for today, I will celebrate this milestone, realizing I have not done it alone, and being grateful for all that I have. THANK YOU!
Love,
Jami

Gaining Trust

2009-08-19T15:03:00.004-06:00

I was talking to some friends last night about when family members and spouses can start to feel like they can trust us again. I have also had a lot of people ask me this in e-mails, so I thought I would discuss it on the blog.
Trust is something that can come slowly or it can come quickly, each situation is different. In the program, they tell us to expect it to take as long as we were using. For example, if we were using for seven years, we should expect it to take at least seven years to earn that trust back. Notice I said EARN...it will not come easily.
Not only as addicts, but as a society in general, we want everything now. We want immediate satisfaction. As addicts, it is worse. That explains a lot of our using. The high was immediate. It was a result we could see / feel NOW...we didnt have to wait. In recovery, we are no different. Naturally, we want to earn that trust back immediately. In our minds we know we are trying, we are putting everything we have into recovery, so why cant you just trust us?
Because you havent been able to trust us up to this point. We have probably told you MANY times that we are trying, only to disappoint. We have manipulated you to think we are doing so good, but that is only until we get caught again. Why should you think this time is any different?
As I was speaking to my friends and they were asking for advice, the biggest thing I can think of is action. Lip service is worth nothing. Even today, I can tell you I am clean until I am blue in the face, but if I am living in the addict mind set, you will not believe me. We, as addicts, have to SHOW you that we are trying. The biggest step for me (and I dont think my family even realized it) was being able to leave my purse in the other room because I didnt have any pills in it. I didnt have to worry about people looking in it, because they would find nothing. That was a victory for me, as small as it may seem, it was HUGE! It is the little things like that where we earn back the trust.
If the addict in your life is still being secretive, DONT trust them. I told my friend last night, keep assuming they are using, until they prove otherwise. Expect the worse, protect yourself and your feelings, it can only get better from there. If the addict gets angry, they probably shouldnt be trusted anyway. Guilty people get defensive, honest people are cooperative. I told my family if they think I am using, they can call me on it and I will take a drug test then and there. I have nothing to hide.
I know I can see a difference in myself, which in turn my family can see. I know that is a big part of trust, although I still have a long way to go to earn that trust back. I'm hoping some of my family will comment on this issue, so I can post their comments and you can see their side on the trust, on trusting me, on not trusting someone in active addiction..on trust in general. It is hard to trust someone who has continuously lied to you for as long as you can remember. DONT give the trust back too soon! The worst thing you can do for everyone involved is take the addict at their word, "forgive them", trust them, and be hurt again. Be slow in trusting again, but give support. Remember, an honest person will be cooperative, they will understand why you are hesitant in trusting, they will WORK hard to SHOW you they are trying...A guilty person will get defensive, manipulation and argumentative.
Just for today I will continue to be honest in my actions, and I will continue to build that trust that I deservedly lost.
Love,
Jami

Master Manipulators

2009-08-11T17:05:00.002-06:00

The world of an addict goes something like this...I WANT that, I NEED that, I will do whatever it takes to GET that, I will do whatever it takes to KEEP that.....back to I want that, a vicious cycle. We as addicts are master manipulators. Other addicts can see it from a mile away, normies cannot. I know a lot of normies that think they can, but 99% of the time, they are still being manipulated.
I never thought I was a manipulator, negotiator, LIAR to be blunt. We never see it that way. We see lying simply as a means to an end, the end being using. I could manipulate my way around a doctors office like nobodies business, then the pharmacy, my roommates, my family, whoever got in my way.
If you live / associate with an addict, I PROMISE you, you are being manipulated. If you say you will do something or take something away if we dont stop, we tell you we will stop, just to prolong the end consequences. We may even not use for a period of time to make you think we are "trying". The first time I went into treatment, I had two FULL prescriptions (Lortab and Soma) I hid so they would be there when I got home. I thought if I just did this, maybe my family would get off my back and I could just use as prescribed. (Luckily my friend knew about them and got rid of them before I got home). We can do whatever we think we need to so you will get off our back, and we can still get high.
We will manipulate you to think it is somehow your fault..Its not! No matter how many times we say it is, it is in no way your fault that we are addicts. We will manipulate you to get what we want. We will "suffer" in so much pain, or be so ornery that you literally beg us to use, just so we will stop. We play head games with you, sometimes to the point of making you question what you were positive is correct. I can promise you I never knowingly did this. I never consciously made the decision to manipulate. In my mind, I NEEDED the pills, I had to have them, therefore, I HAD to do whatever it took to get them (to a point). If you ask an addict in active addiction, they will adamantly deny manipulating and lying to you. We honestly DO NOT see it as that, we have convinced ourselves that our warped way of thinking is correct, therefore, we cannot manipulate if our way is the correct way.
It hurts me now to see people being manipulated. As I said, I can see it a mile away. (We dont just manipulate to get drunk or high either. We manipulate in every aspect of our lives). The sad thing is, the cycle will not end until we as addicts are able to face the fact that we are master manipulators, something that is almost to horrifying to admit. Sometimes, it is just more comfortable manipulating to get our way, whatever that may take.
Just for today I will be consciously aware of myself and my actions. I will "own my words" and do my best to work an honest program.
Love,
Jami
P.S. Sorry about the lack of posts. It has taken a ton of work for the wedding, the open house in Florida and the move. I am almost done unpacking, but not quite. The posts may still be intermittent until I get settled, but I promise, I am still here....Still working a program, one day at a time!

So Glad It Is Not Me!

2009-08-05T17:33:00.004-06:00

I hate seeing people that are drunk or high and knowing I used to look like that. Matt and I went to a baseball game a couple of weeks ago. When we were leaving there was a Man and Woman walking in front of us. The Woman was so drunk she kept falling over and the Man with her kept catching her. When he would try to hold on to her to help her walk straight, she would get mad and say she was fine. How sad...The saddest, I know I was just like that.
On the day we left for our cruise we rented a car and the sales lady was either high or drunk (I'm not sure which). I was watching her mannerisms, thinking of working that way, it made me sick. She had to write something for us and wrote so slow, only to have "drunkenly sloppy" handwriting at best. Again...That was me.
On the cruise we saw MANY people who were drunk (there was an abundance of alcohol). All I could do was look at these people and be so thankful I wasnt there anymore.
When I was in active addiction, vacations were stressful for me (ok everything was stressful). I had to make sure I had enough pills for the whole trip and hide them somewhere where nobody would find them (only to move them no less than twenty times before we even left). On the trip, before I did anything I would have to take at least one pill. That was if I wasnt so tired I couldnt / didnt want to do anything. I would constantly keep an eye on wherever the pills were, not even sleeping well at night in fear that someone would find my stash. I usually ran out before the trip was over, only to make for a miserable ending to my vacation. Again, the thought makes me sick!
This trip was different. One night as were watching some people who were extremely "happy" with their drinks, I realized what a good place I am in. I told Matt how grateful I was to be clean and sober on this trip. It was so nice to do what we wanted, when we wanted...and to remember what we did! Unfortunately when we are using, we dont realize this. In the mind of an addict / alcoholic, we dont see it as an option.
I remember when I was using, I used to watch people who were "normies". They would go throughout their day, accomplishing so much without any type of chemical boost whatsoever. It used to boggle my mind. I could not fathom how they did that. Today, I cant imagine living my life with that chemical "boost". I thought the drugs gave me energy, today, I have more energy than I know what to do with. I go all day every day, excited about what I get to do next. The thought of taking a pill doesnt even enter my mind.
Sorry this post is random...It just hit home seeing these cases of people, knowing I used to be just like them. I hate thinking about it, but in the same sense it is a big help to me, because I dont want to look like that ever again! Just for today, Man, I'm glad its not me!
Love,
Jami

Changes

2009-08-02T10:20:00.002-06:00

Well, I am back from the honeymoon, and I am happier than I ever imagined I could be. I have had time to reflect on my life, where I am, and where I am going.
The wedding was beautiful, the ceremony peaceful. I will do a post on that in and of itself. But today i want to reflect on the changes in my life. I cant help but think about where I was when I started this blog, and where I am today.
When I started this blog about five months ago, I was in despair, living on hope. I was not speaking to most of my family, those I was speaking to were very guarded. I had nephews who were scared of me, heck, I was scared of myself. Although I was clean, I was very scared, sad and fighting the monster of addiction every second of my life. I will admit, it is not a life I want to ever live again!
Fast Forward five months (give or take a few days):
My two nephews who were scared of me (literally scared of me) wrote me a note before I left. P (nine years old) wrote: "Dear Jami, I will miss you vary much and I just want you to now I Love You and I will miss you and I will think of you every day and I want you to now I was at the temple. from and love, P" And K, who was affected by my decisions more than I want to admit. K, who I will spend the rest of my life making amends for one bad decision, wrote: "Dear Jami, I hope you have a good time in Florida. I'm glad you got married. I hope you have fun. I'll miss u. I'm glad that you changed. I'm happy you got married in the temple. From, K"
My eleven year old nephew has noticed the change. He is glad I have changed. WOW!
Five months ago, you may remember this comment from my sister. I was not speaking to her or her family at the time, and there were bitter feelings between us. Well, a week ago, as I was making the move to Florida, we were hugging each other not wanting to let go. We were both crying and we realized we will miss each other. My Oldest Brother tried to lighten the mood by trying to tell us just to think about when we didnt like each other, but it didnt help much. That seemed so distant to the relationship we share today. A relationship we would not enjoy had I not chosen recovery in my life.
I tried to tell everyone I wouldnt get homesick moving away. I have been away from my family months on end before, not really caring. But there is a difference. Those times I was high and I didnt really care. All I cared about were the pills, getting high. Today is different. Today, I miss my family. I miss "my" kids (nieces and nephews) who brought more joy to my life than they will ever know. Today, I miss my brothers and sisters, including my in-laws. I miss spending time with them, enjoying just being together. I miss my parents, going to there house, just being together. So, I thought I would act tough and say I wouldnt get homesick, when I always knew deep down I would miss the relationships I was just learning to enjoy. I am where I am supposed to be, but that doesnt mean I cant miss where I was. I do have to say, I am glad I miss "home", because that means it was somewhere I wanted to be, with people I wanted to be with.
So, as I embark on a new life, in a new city / state, with my new husband, I am starting with a clean slate. With happy memories of my family (including my extended family), with nothing but unconditional love and support from EVERY member of my family. I can do this, I know I can. Just think, if I have made such great strides in five short months, imagine what the Lord has in store for the rest of my life! I can't wait!
Love,
Jami

The Power of Prayer

2009-07-15T15:45:00.001-06:00

I just wanted to make a quick post to let you all know my cancellation was approved and Matt and I are going to be sealed on Friday. I couldnt be happier. I cant help but think the Lord is blessing me because I am trying so hard to do what is right. I couldnt ask for more...I am being sealed to my best friend in less than 48 hours....As long as I continue to live the way I know how, to follow the commandments of my Father in Heaven, we will be together for eternity....WOW!
Thank you for your prayers, love and support. I'm taking the next few days off, IM GETTING MARRIED.....IN THE TEMPLE!
So, I will post all about the wedding (maybe even a picture or two) next week. But, I want you all to know, I KNOW this gospel is true...I KNOW the Lord will not place anything in front of us that we cannot handle, as long as we ask him for help. If I can achieve this, if I can be living the life I always dreamed of, anyone can! I KNOW my Father in Heaven loves me, He has a plan for me, and I cant wait to live the rest of my life, CLEAN, one day at a time!
Love,
Jami

A thinking Problem...

2009-07-12T15:28:00.002-06:00

It has become very evident to me lately that this disease is not a problem with drugs or alcohol, this disease is a thinking problem. The drugs and alcohol is a symptom of the disease. For addicts and alcoholics, we drink or use to get away from our thoughts and feelings. I am no different.
I have found myself very irritable and just plain ornery lately. I have been letting things get to me that shouldnt, and then I let them fester. I have no cravings or urge to use whatsoever, but I still have the addict thinking. I remember when I was little and I would be so ornery one day. I remember describing it as just feeling mad inside for no reason. I knew I didnt like that feeling, but I didnt know how to stop it. That is a lot like I have been feeling the last couple of days.
I literally had a meltdown yesterday. I am back to wanting to do everything for everyone and make it all perfect. I know deep down nobody expects this, but that is what I, Jami the addict, want to do. Yesterday, I realized I cant. Yesterday when someone threw a wrench in my plans that included me having to change a lot of things at the last minute, I lost it.
The serenity prayer says, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I know I cannot change people. No matter how much I think I am right and they are wrong, I cannot force them to think like me. I cannot force someone to think or feel anything. This is probably the hardest thing I have to realize. I am still having a hard time realizing I cant change people, but at the same time I cant let people walk all over me or manipulate me. It is a fine line I have yet to distinguish. I seem to go to the extreme...either let people walk all over me when they shouldnt, or push an issue way too hard that doesnt really matter in the long run. I am really trying to work on accepting things as they are, not trying to change the way people act, but work on the way I react. PTA...Pause, Think, Act
The difference between that mad feeling when I was younger and that mad feeling now, I have tools to get rid of that feeling (besides using). I know life isnt going to be wonderful all of the time. I know my life will have its ups and downs. I am just so grateful I have been given tools to use in place of my old solution, getting high. I can feel the spirit today (btw, church was wonderful today...all about temptation, satan not being able to tempt us more than we can bare...another reminder brought through the spirit), I dont have to use today. And just for today that icky mad feeling is gone, just for today I finally know how to stop it, and just for today, it has been stopped.
Love,
Jami

H.A.L.T.

2009-07-09T12:15:00.003-06:00

Well, to give an update, my Mom is doing much better. We actually brought her home from the hospital today and she is resting on the couch. I think she is happy to be home, I hope so anyway. The last couple of weeks have been hard on me, a lot harder than I thought. I felt like I was doing good, but I am slowly realizing I cant do it all.
I have been trying to spend as much time with Mom in the hospital as I could while still trying to take care of everything else. I was doing really good until yesterday, yesterday was a bad day. As addicts we want everything perfect and we want it now. Although I am in recovery, I still do not have a lot of patience. It is killing me not knowing on the temple. I was doing good, having faith, until yesterday. Yesterday I lost it. I felt like I have had faith long enough, and now I am just frustrated. I am getting married in eight days and I still dont know where or what time. I got the feeling of being out of control, the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling of knowing I can't do anything about it. I had the feelings I am used to masking, the feelings I hate. Yesterday was not a good day.
Today is better. I am feeling a little better today. I got an answer that a decision wont be made until Tuesday, yes, three days before the wedding. But today I am ok with that, at least I know something.
In the program they have something called HALT. They say as an addict we should never get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Well, I have not been paying attention to that. I have been pushing myself too hard. I'm not really eating, and if I do eat, it is not healthy. I find myself feeling angry towards my situation, my Mom being very ill, my wedding in limbo....Lonely, well, I am surrounded by people but my fiance is on the other side of the country until Tuesday. And Tired. Boy am I tired. I'm not sleeping, and if I do sleep it is not a restful sleep. My body is so tired and lethargic throughout the day, yet I continue to push myself.
Now, my Mom is home and I am faced with pain pills being around. I havent seen the pills. I walked into the room while my sister was giving my Mom a pain pill. Even the sound screwed with my mind. The sound of pills in the bottle. I turned around and walked out. I asked my sister to put the pills somewhere, hide them. She showed me her purse and said they were there but they would be with her the whole time. Unfortunately, that is not good enough.
I know people who arent addicts dont understand, but just knowing the pills are in that purse, and that purse is in the same room with me, starts my mind going places I dont want to go. I cant have it like that. I wish I could explain what it does, but I cant. It is not a conscious thought, but my mind just starts running. Not even about taking a pill, it just starts the addict thinking. It starts chaos in my mind, anxiety in my stomach....that constant running.
So, I know this post is full of self pity, and I apologize. I know what I need to do, but in my mind I will do that when I finish whatever. I NEED to stay clean. In order to do that I need to ask for help, take care of myself, and put my sobriety first. Just for today, that is what I will do. Just for starters, I think I might go take a nap :)
Love,
Jami

Prayers are Appreciated

2009-07-05T14:49:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting here in the waiting room of the ICU at the hospital. My Mom took a turn for the worse yesterday and was admitted to the ICU. She is having problems breathing and has a fever. They have not been able to diagnose what is causing these newest complications, but they are doing tests. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I went from having a good day enjoying spending time with my family, to pure panic, to the feeling of being surrounded by unconditional love, to anxiety, sadness, and pure exhaustion.
We received a phone call from my Dad that things did not look good and we better get to the hospital. I'll admit, I did not handle it well. I started crying and was not calm in the slightest. I called Matt immediately and I dont even know if he understood what I was saying. It is not a phone call we were expecting, but even more so, a phone call I do not ever want to receive again. After a few minutes I was able to calm down, but still cried to myself, my mind going places I didnt want it to go. One thing is for sure though, I have an amazing family. Within a couple of minutes, with only a few phone calls, we were surrounded by family, whether in person or by phone. I felt blanketed in love, unconditional love.
After things calmed down some I started to process the situation the best I could in a public waiting room. I will admit, I started having selfish thoughts. My wedding is in less than two weeks (July 17th). I have people flying in from a few different states, how would this affect that? I dont know if that is selfish or normal, but I was thinking about that. Then, my Dad dropped a bomb for me. He said he wanted to let me know that it was very likely her Doctors will not allow her to attend my wedding. I started crying then....We were told this surgery was something they do often, no big deal really. They told us when they scheduled it that she should be well enough for the wedding. Now I am being told she may not even be able to attend.
Again, I am selfish. I want my Mom there. This is my wedding day, the biggest day of my life. Why do we have to have complications to effect this day? I guess all I can do is pray. We fasted today. I just need to have faith that everything will work out. We still dont know where we are getting married as we havent heard on my cancellation of sealing from my ex-husband yet, so prayers would be appreciated in that area also.
I did ok until I went home and called Matt. It is hard having him so far away. He flies here on the 14th and I am ready to have him with me. While we were talking I was trying to explain where my head was. Once I had a chance to actually process everything, I realized my head was all over the place. I wish I could explain some things a little better, but unfortunately there are some things I cannot discuss on this blog. But I will try.
It is hard for me to think of losing my Mom, but then I realize if it is someones time, we cant stop that. I started to think if I was in my mom's place, but when I was actively using. There were so many times I literally wished I would get sick and die. I felt there was some dignity to dying from something other than addiction, and I wanted to die. There were so many times my body was tired, my mind was tired, I was tired of the battle within, but I didnt know how to get out other than dying. I also thought if I got sick and died, my family might realize how much they screwed up my life and they might change their ways (this is very distorted thinking, but it is really how I thought.) I literally prayed to get some disease, some dignified disease other than the disease of addiction.
I realized last night how fast things can change. From the perspective of a clean person now, I see how the family feels from the other side. I see how addiction makes a person hate the addict, hate everything about them. If I had gotten sick and was in my mom's position (when I was actively using) It might be a different feeling. Rather than feeling remorse or love, I cant help but think my family might be praying for my release. For my body to be released from the emotional and physical pain, and for my family to be released from this hell I had been putting them through for years. I have so much to live for now, but I also realized if it was my time to go now, I know I would be leaving my family with feelings of love and support, not feelings of anger or resentment.
I dont know if any of this makes sense. I woke up a lot last night with that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, that feeling I used to use to chase away. The realization we could have lost my Mom, that she is still in danger. The realization I need to treat those around me with more love and respect, the realization that things could change in an instant. Yes, I woke up alot. Yes, I had the horrible feeling in my stomach. Yes, I had to face reality. But, I will proudly say using did not even cross my mind. I am facing these rollercoaster emotions, I am talking about my feelings, I am approaching this newest challenge head on, in a healthy way. Proudly, today I am clean. Anxious and emotional, but clean nonetheless. Today, I am living in a healthy way, today I am proud of who I am.
Love,
Jami

Mentally, I am tired

2009-07-03T19:21:00.003-06:00

Sorry I havent posted in awhile. I havent had a lot of time and when I did, I couldnt log in for some reason. So, here I am.
I know a lot of people are wondering how I am. Especially those close to me. My Mom had surgery on Tuesday. They found a cancerous tumor on one of her kidneys, so they had to remove about 25% of her kidney. There have been some complications, but for the most part it has been a success. Her doctors and nurses have been Wonderful and they seem to think they got all of the cancer and it doesnt look like it spread at all.
So, how has this affected me? I would like to say it hasnt, but that would be a lie. I'm ok with my mom having the tumor, we were told at the beginning this isnt a terminal cancer, that once removed everything would be fine. So, I havent worried about that at all. But, I have worried about being around the pain meds.
She is in the hospital now. I was ok the day of the surgery when we were waiting. The next day, my sister and I went down there (it is about an hour away from us) and stayed with her in the ICU. When I walked in I saw her patient board, and they had written all of the meds she was being given. WOW...that hit me. Dilaudid...1 mg. OUCH! That was kind of a slap in the face. I LOVED getting pain meds through an IV, and Dilaudid is a dang good one. I knew she has a morphine pump, but I am allergic to morphine, so that didnt bother me, but the Dilaudid did. It literally stopped my breath for a second. My mind could go one of two ways, either realizing how good my life is now, or remembering how "good" the drugs made me feel. I chose to realize how happy I am not to be in drugged stupor. How good it felt to be able to walk, and drive and not be so tired. I was able to change my thinking and get past that, although I did not look at that board again. When I am down visiting her, it is hard. I was there today and a nurse came in to give her "roommate" an oxycodone (percocet)...another hard thing. It is kind of like an alcoholic walking into a bar....It is VERY hard. It just does something to my mind. I cant really explain how it feels....Like being somewhere where your very favorite thing is all around you, but not being able to have any. But in a good way, I honestly dont want any...again, hard to explain.
She is in the hospital until at least Monday, then I have to face her being home with pills. I talked to my family and told them I dont think I can go over there while the pills are there. They have been completely understanding. They told me they would much rather me tell them that, then think I can go and end up in a bad situation. I told my Mom today that I may not be able to come to the house for a little while, she said she understands. I dont know if she really does, but I can't worry about that. I have to be selfish and think about my sobriety. As bad as it may sound, visiting her one day is not worth a relapse. My being clean is EVERYTHING i have right now, and I can't risk losing that. So, I can support her from afar, pray for her, and pray that she knows I am doing so.
Mentally, I am tired. I am very tired. I can feel myself being cranky and irritable. I can feel my addict mind trying to take over in certain situations. I am not sleeping very well at all, which is making me lethargic and tired all day. In essence, I am not doing as well as I could be. I talked about this in group last night and I am going to make a conscious effort to work on that. I NEED to get my rest, I NEED to eat, I NEED to do my step work, I NEED to attend my meetings, I HAVE TO put my sobriety first. If I do that, I can handle whatever stresses I may face. So, just for today I will love my Mom from a safe distance, and I will work on my sobriety, because without that, I have nothing!
Love,
Jami

This could be BAD

2009-06-25T11:58:00.002-06:00

I had to go to Walmart yesterday to pick up a few things. As I was walking in I saw a lady standing by the door talking, with a prescription bag in her hand. Most people may notice this, probably wouldnt realize they noticed it, and continued on with their shopping. Not me. I noticed it, and then my mind ran with it.....
What's in that bag?
I wonder if its pain pills?
Then, I visually inspected the woman to see if she seemed in pain. No, but they dont always, so my mind continued to wonder....
Maybe she's picking it up for someone else who is in pain
I wonder what is in that bag
Then I listened in on her conversation and it sounded like it was more an antibiotic than anything else. Phew...
This could be bad, I mean really BAD. I learned in treatment you cant control the first thought, but you can control the second. And man, I was not controlling it. I was letting my mind go with the thought of what was in that bag. Again, this could be BAD!
As I walked into the store I started processing what I had been thinking. Had I really let my mind go that far? To listen to what the lady was talking about to see what was in the bag? What if it had been pain medication, or even worse, Soma? What would I have done then?
By the time I left the store I was back in a good place. I wondered all day why I had reacted that way. I see prescription bags all the time, I walk by pharmacies at the grocery store all of the time, because of some sickness in my family right now, I see prescription bottles all of the time, with no reaction. Why yesterday? Why so sudden? Why out of the blue would it affect me like that?
I'm still not sure why it did. I went to a meeting last night. It helped. I am still blessed to have no cravings, to repulse at the thought of actually taking something. But, it doesnt stop the thoughts about that euphoria I felt, that carefree feeling. I am able to quickly follow those thoughts with the pain and anguish I not only felt, but that I caused to those who love me. I still dont want to use, but the addict mind is still there. I felt it yesterday. Luckily, I handled it in a healthy way...Just for today I will live my life one day at a time. Just for today, it doesnt have to be bad!
Love,
Jami

Something You might not Think of

2009-06-23T14:48:00.002-06:00

On Sunday we had a missionary farewell in our family. I was riding with my sister and asked her to wait for me while I used the bathroom at the church because I didnt want to use the bathroom at my Aunt and Uncle's house and she asked me why. The answer to me was simple, but to a normal person, I guess it is not. So, I thought I would explain to all of you normies out there.
Being an addict in recovery, I have to be very aware of the situations I am in. Using the bathroom at someone's home can be a very volatile situation. Most people keep their prescriptions in their bathroom cabinets out of habit, without thinking twice. ALL addicts know this (we also know if they are not in the bathroom, they are probably in a cupboard in the kitchen). Most addicts in active addiction will look for a reason to use the bathroom in peoples homes, just so they can look through the medicine cabinets. MANY addicts get most of their "fixes" out of peoples medicine cabinets. I know some addicts who would go to open houses every week (for people selling their homes) just so they could go in the bathrooms and look through the medicine cabinets. You would be surprised the percentage of homes they would find the pills in.
Makes you think doesnt it? So, my advice to help you (and me) would be to get rid of prescriptions when you are done with them. Either flush them, take them to your local police department to be disposed of, or, if you need to keep them for some reason, DONT put them in your bathroom (or kitchen) cupboard. (This also applies to empty pill bottles that you may be keeping because they have refills. We know how to look for refills, we know how to refill a prescription) HIDE them! I would suggest if you have teenagers in your home, hide them in a place they are not aware of either. This is not to say they would take them (although they may), but they also have friends who may ask your children for pills. If you have had recent surgery (or anything requiring pain meds) and are having visitors, I would suggest keeping your pills right next to you, where they are in your line of sight at all times. (I also know a lot of people who would go "visit" people who had recently had surgery, then use the bathroom, or go into the kitchen...you know the rest)
Not only does this help you, but it helps me more than you know. If I am in someones house, I try to avoid using the bathroom. At my siblings homes, I use the main bathrooms and stay out of their bedrooms. They keep anything that may be tempting in their bedrooms (or master bathrooms) and it is an understanding I dont need to go in there. If I do for any reason, I ask first and make them aware I am going in there. This is not only to protect their medication, but it protects me also. First of all, there is no temptation (I will say I was never one to go through peoples cupboards or take their pills, but suspicion automatically comes with addiction). I would like to say if I opened a cupboard and saw a bottle of pills I would not be tempted, but I cant be positive. So, it is better if the temptation is not even put in front of me. It is better that I dont see it (out of sight, out of mind).
Secondly, if prescriptions do come up missing or are misplaced, I cannot be accused. Those around me know without a doubt that I have had NO access to their medications. It saves me from having to defend myself, and it helps to regain the trust.
So, please help me by hiding or disposing of your medications. Dont keep them in the main bathroom of your home. I appreciate it more than you know, and, if I ever had that urge....I would appreciate it more that I had NO access because those who love me are willing to take that extra step. It may sound small to you, but it could save me from a temptation in the future that I may not be strong enough to fight. So, from me (and the millions of other recovering addicts out there), THANK YOU!
Love,
Jami
ON A SIDE NOTE: I have noticed people who will post on social networking sites (facebook or myspace) something about them having pain medication..ie, "I'm gonna take a Lortab and go to bed" or "I love how the Percocet makes me feel" or comments like that which seem so innocent...I would strongly suggest not making those "innocent" posts. Many people have addiction problems that you are not aware of, many of them being your "friends" on these sights. You posting a message as simple as that may bring you visitors for purposes other than checking on your welfare. It may cause problems you are in no position to handle. Just a suggestion...

The Mind is No Longer Quiet

2009-06-20T16:10:00.003-06:00

I've struggled this week. Not with cravings or wanting to use, but with the chaos of an addict mind. There are different sayings in the program such as "I have a disease, my using is only a symptom" or "I dont have a drinking problem. If I did, I could stop drinking and everything would be fine". Addiction is so much more than drinking / using. I am not struggling with wanting to use, but I am struggling with learning to live.
I've said for the last little while that my mind has been quiet. Well, it is no longer quiet. Without going in to specifics, my family has been going through some struggles. A lot of those struggles revolve around addiction and the chaos surrounding that. I HATE addiction.
Thursday morning I started feeling anxious. You know what I mean, that dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one I always used to use to get rid of. I felt trapped, jittery, uncomfortable, but anxious is the best way to describe it. When i tried to look at why I was feeling that way, I dont really know. I got rid of my car (because I am moving across the country) and so I didnt have a car that day, that was the only thing I could think of. To a normal person, that would be nothing. But, when I started to look at myself, that alone is what set off my anxiety. I felt trapped at my house. My addict mind took that thought and ran with it.
The anxiety continued. Thursday was bad. I felt like a whirlwind was going on around me, and I had no control. For the first time in a couple of months, my mind was CHAOTIC.
I talked about this in aftercare. We came up with two things that set me off. First of all, trying to please everyone. Most addicts (I can't say all, but a huge percentage) are people pleasers. I am no different. In my little addict mind, if I make everyone else happy, I am happy. That is no way to live. We have been planning my wedding, and I realized I have been so busy trying to make everyone else happy, that I am not happy. My friends in aftercare asked me "what does Jami want" and I honestly dont know. I am not used to being a person with actual feeling yet. I am not used to looking at myself to see what I want. I am used to using, being numb, not caring. This "Jami wanting to feel something" is new, and I dont feel completely comfortable there yet.
Secondly, I am around a person constantly who is in active addiction and it is playing with my mind. I see how I used to be. I see myself in that person, and it makes me sick. The guilt and shame are eating me up inside. I am getting frustrated, angry, embarrassed, sad, so many emotions, yet that person doesnt care. I see now how my family felt for so long. It is so frustrating to sit back and watch this behavior and know there is nothing I can do about it. I am not just talking about the slurred speech and slow movements, I am talking about the blame, oh the blame. We blame EvErYtHiNg on eVeRyBoDy. I would go into that, but I think that needs its own post. So, the blame, the anger, the unhappiness, the playing the martyr, the pure evil of the addiction. It is hard for me to watch this and know I put my family through this. This is causing my mind to run also. My addict wants to see this, feel guilty, wallow in self pity, make myself unhappy, angry, play the martyr, then use to get rid of those feelings. A vicious cycle. Luckily, I am full swing into recovery. Yes, I could do that, let the addict win again. Instead, the healthy Jami sees this, feels guilty, and learns from it. I can look at this now and see if I do let the addict win, I will be right back there. Even if I dont take a pill, I will be a "dry drunk" or have the horrific addict behavior, just without the drugs.
So, I went to my parents house on Thursday and told my Dad how I was feeling. It helps me to tell my Dad, so he knows where my head is. I wanted my aftercare group, my sponser and my Dad to know I am on a slippery slope, that I am not "better". I went home and did a thorough inventory, PRAYED...HARD, and did some step work. Then, I prayed again. I can't do this alone. But, just for today I know I CAN do this. I don't have to let my addict win. As long as I stay on top of this, I CAN do it. So, today has been better. My mind is still not completely quiet, but I am on top of it. I am in control, which is where I want to stay. Just for today JAMI WANTS to be clean and happy....and today, she is!
Love,
Jami

Everything in Moderation including Drinking / Using?

2009-06-17T16:19:00.003-06:00

I have a lot of mixed emotions running through my mind right now. Some I can talk about, some I can't. I got a phone call a couple of hours ago from a guy I went through treatment with. He was drunk...He said he has been drinking but he has it "under control". HA HA. Under control? How, as an alcoholic / addict can we have it "under control". I know a lot of people who go through treatment thinking they are going to find out how to drink or use in moderation...ie: social drinking, taking a drug for recreational purposes, taking the pills exactly as prescribed. It doesnt work. It is wishful thinking, just as thinking we can stop on our own is wishful thinking.
I asked my friend why he was drinking. He started defending it. He said he "uses his tools everyday". I laughed. You use your tools every day, yet you are still drinking? Ya, he uses his tools so he only drinks for fun now, not to drown away his troubles. HUH? I suggested meetings, he said it was the meetings that made him drink. Again: HUH? I remember these excuses. I used them. I told my family I quit going to meetings because "I didnt like the feeling there", the spirit wasnt there, people used bad language. Are you kidding me? Do we think people really believe that? I tried to take the prescriptions exactly as prescribed. That lasted, well, I took one pill at first, to be quickly followed by at least one more a half hour later. So, you do the math.
I have said this before, but this is the only disease where our mind tries to convince ourselves that we arent sick. We try to rationalize our drinking or using. My friend asked me if I was still clean. When I said yes he was surprised. He said he didnt think the program really works. He said he is fine, clearly relapsed, but he is fine. Only an addict could use "clearly relapsed" and "I'm fine" together in the same sentence. He asked if I think about using. To be honest, Yes and No. The thought will enter my head, but I immediately get rid of it. The thought of feeling that euphoria again, of not caring. But, I immediately know where that leads me. I told him that. I told him I know where that one pill / or drink leads me, and it is somewhere I dont want to be EVER again. He seemed surprised that I was so blunt. It is true. It is not worth it.
He had to go and said he would call me right back...He hasnt called. He is probably passed out in a drunken haze and will forget we talked, but that's ok. I needed to talk to him, I needed to see where relapse leads. I think him calling was a God thing. Although the thought of using is revolting to me, I still need to be reminded of how dark active addiction is, and today, unfortunately my friend was that reminder. Just for today, I am clean, STILL!
Love,
Jami

The Courage To Get Help

2009-06-11T15:24:00.004-06:00

Ive had a few people leave comments asking how to get the courage to finally get help. I havent done a post specifically about this because, to be honest, I dont know how to answer that. I don't know how to get the courage. I know I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is very hard, humiliating and degrading to ask for help. We see asking for help as being weak, feeling worthless because we cant do it on our own. In reality, asking for help is one of the most noble things we can do when we are in a using situation.
Some people have to hit rock bottom to finally get help. Whether that is losing your job, family, home, freedom, everything, or being humiliated...whatever it is, some hit their rock bottom very hard, very fast. Some are lucky and realize they are on a destructive path before they fall that hard. Whatever point you are at, you can get help, you can stop. No matter how far down the rock bottom is that you have hit, you can get back up. Nothing is hopeless, nobody is beyond help. But, you cannot do it alone.
For those asking me how to stop using, you have taken a huge step in realizing the path you are on. Take the next step...Get Help! Go to an AA or NA meeting, an LDS 12 step meeting, call a friend, e-mail me at ldsaddict@gmail.com, reach out to someone. I know the phone (or mouse) weighs three hundred pounds, but once you pick it up, it is as light as a feather. I KNOW how hard it is. All meetings, treatments, any help is anonymous. I promise, we all have been there...You will not be judged. If anything, you can breathe a sigh of relief, you are home. You will realize this is a disease from which many suffer, but from which many have recovered. You will realize we all know where you are coming from, how low you feel, how worthless...but we also know how amazing recovery is. We know you can do this.
Please reach out...you cannot do this alone. There are many of us just waiting to support you, your family and loved ones being at the top of the list. Last but not least, remember, your Father in Heaven loves you and he is waiting with open arms...Oh, that hug is incredible! Run to it! YOU CAN DO THIS!
Love,
Jami

A struggle Today

2009-05-31T15:34:00.003-06:00

I'm in a hard situation, and the first thing I thought to do was write. I have a family member who was in the hospital last night and was given a prescription for pain medication (she is alright). I came to my parents house to help make Sunday dinner for the whole family when my Dad said he was going to pick up the pain medication. At first I was ok with it (I thought it was Lortab) and told him I wanted him to have it in his pocket the whole time so there would be no problems. Then I found out it was Percocet, and then I felt...
Sick to my stomach
Scared
Terrified, actually
Really sick to my stomach
Anxious
and then, I started crying
I told my Dad I cant be here knowing those are here, so I said I needed to leave. My Dad immediately respected what I said. He said he will go get them later, he doesnt want me to leave, that my family member is doing ok right now.
My mind immediately started running. I dont feel like I would take any, I dont have a craving like that. But, I feel scared. Its one thing for the pills to be behind the pharmacy counter, or for it to be lortab. But Percocet...oh, how I loved my Percocet and Soma.
I know this probably isnt making sense, but I need to sort out my thoughts. I knew when I got here that she had been given pain medication, and it didnt bother me. But as soon as my Dad said he was going to get Percocet, something in my mind clicked. Its one thing to go to someone's house who has pain medication. So what...out of sight out of mind I guess. I've never been the type of addict to go through people's medicine cupboards and take their medicine or anything like that. So, it doesnt bother me. But for some reason when my Dad said that, it scared me. I guess knowing when he got back he would have those pills in his pocket, right there. That scared me.
I'm still sick to my stomach. I'm sick the addict in me took over so fast. Not the addict in the using sense, but the addict in glorifying the drug. The addict in me immediately thought about that feeling of euphoria, how "good" the pill would make me feel.
I'm mad at myself that because of my addict I would have had to leave, but I know I would have if my Dad had gone to the pharmacy. Im mad that my mind is still glorifying the drug rather than feeling repulsed. I'm mad that I cant just be compassionate toward the person hurting, but I have to be selfish with my recovery.
On the other hand, I'm glad I know I would have needed to leave. I'm proud of myself for standing up to my addict, rather than saying nothing and suffering when my Dad came back with the pills. I'm proud that I am using my tools to combat the addict thinking, rather than let my mind run away with it. I'm proud that my family wants me here and respects me enough to listen. I'm proud that I can have another day in sobriety, because with the help of my Father in Heaven I am stronger than the adversary and I am overcoming my addict, one day at a time.
Love,
Jami

It is TIME

2009-05-27T11:28:00.004-06:00

Dear Still Suffering Addict,

It is time to take a stand. We, together, need to take a stand against Satan and this grasp he holds on each one of us. Please try. You do not need to cower under his control any longer. Today is the day. Please...It is time to take on the WHOLE ARMOR OF GOD and take back our lives. It is time to make a decision to turn our lives over to one who loves us unconditionally, to our Father in Heaven.
I know it is hard. We can always rely on the drug, YOU can always rely on the drug... to screw up your life. Is it really worth it? I know you can't see the pain in your loved one's eyes, but I can. Now that I am clean, I can see that pain, and it is DEVASTATING. We caused that pain, YOU caused that pain. They are hurting because of YOU. I know the addict doesnt care, I know the drugs numb those feelings. But, I know the person underneath the addict does care. I know the daughter / son of God is still in there somewhere, and that person does care.
It is time to stop blaming everyone else. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT! It is so easy to wallow in self pity and say "If they hadnt done this" or "If they would only do that" or even "If they knew what I have gone through, they wouldnt judge me". Well, guess what? None of that matters. Whatever it is, no matter how bad things are, you have NO excuse to drink or use. I know how it feels. I was the Queen of making everyone else think it was their fault, or I used because I had been through Hell. So what? It Does Not Matter!
It is time to realize you need help. I dont care what you are taking, how bad (or not bad) you think it is. I dont care if its Heroin, Lortab, or Soma. It doesnt matter if it is Alcohol, Meth or Cough Medicine. YOU NEED TO STOP! The time has come to take a stand!
I know how hard it is to get help. I know how utterly frightening it is to think of living your life without a mind altering substance. I know how much you struggle internally, only to let the addict win each time. It is time to let YOU win. It is time to make a decision toward LIVING again, not just existing.
It is Time to humble yourself. It is time to start praying again, asking the Lord for help. It is time to go to those who truly love you and ask for help and support. As humiliating as the step will be to ask for help, the rewards will be so much greater! They will not turn you away, I promise. They will welcome you and do everything possible to help you recover. I promise you CAN recover. I promise you will feel so much better than you ever imagined. I promise you are loved, I promise YOU CAN DO THIS!
Finally, it is time to spend the time and effort worrying about you. It is time to completely surrender, to learn how to live again. It is time to turn to your Father in Heaven, because I promise you, he has been waiting anxiously for that day. Let the day be TODAY!
Love,
Jami
A fellow Addict who is recovering, one day at a time

Repentance

2009-05-25T12:21:00.003-06:00

Yesterday in Sunday School we were talking about repentance and it made me reflect on my life. I am so glad for the process of repentance in my life. I know before I made choices which caused me to have to TRULY repent, I wasnt so grateful. It was kind of like the lifeboat on a ship. I knew it was there if I needed it, but I didnt really appreciate it until I was drowning.
Early on in my addiction I didnt see a need to repent. I distinctly remember watching those "nasty" addicts who did illegal drugs and thinking I wasnt like them. I remember thinking they were breaking the law, they should repent. I was getting a prescription, from one doctor, so I was doing nothing wrong. I remember hearing other pill poppers talk about how they would take handfuls at a time and thinking I wasnt like them, I wasnt as bad, they should repent.
The next thing I knew, I was taking handfuls, mixing them with alcohol, going to different doctors, all of those things those "nasty" addicts were doing. The thing is, I was in the wrong the whole time.
I remember the first time I went to my bishop I was making a half hearted effort to repent. I didnt really see a problem with the way I was living, but others were telling me I needed to repent, so I did. It was ok, but nothing changed. It wasnt until I really made the decision to repent fully, follow the steps of repentance that I felt a change.
It was very hard for me to admit my sins to myself. I had no problem telling everyone else what their sins were, but it was very hard for me to see my own. Once I did, I felt a great deal of sorrow. It is hard for me to realize that my Savior suffered for My sins in the Garden. He felt my pain, my heartache, and my struggles. He suffered so I could be forgiven and progress as I should. It is very hard to know I caused his suffering, but at the same time, it is very comforting to know that he knows EXACTLY what I have gone through, exactly how I feel.
Then to forsake the sin, to STOP. Addiction is a daily struggle. There is not a day goes by that it is not on my mind. Every time I pass the doctors office, a pharmacy, every time I do something that I used to have to do high, even out of the blue. In fact I was taking a nap earlier today and I couldnt really fall asleep, I was on edge. I started to think about it and I realized why. It was because I was on my parents couch and my family was home. I was never able to get a good nights sleep there when I was using. I was always half awake making sure nobody was going through my stuff looking or finding my pills. Even something as small as that is on my mind. I've always heard it is much easier to stay clean than it is to get clean, and as of now, I agree. I never want to go back to that again, but it is a constant struggle in my life. I know that to truly repent, I have to forsake that. In my heart I really believe that is why I have not had any cravings for almost two months. I feel that I have truly forsaken my sin, I have truly decided that I am done.
Confessing sins to be forgiven is very hard, but very rewarding. As humiliating as it felt to go talk to my Bishop, the feeling of forgiveness when I left was so much greater. After we truly repent, our burden is lifted. I know there is a light about my face now, because I have repented and I have the spirit with me.
I know each step of repentance is VITAL to truly being forgiven and truly overcoming our addictions / sins. Even if we are put on disciplinary action within the church, it is important. Sometimes we need to have things taken away to realize how important they are. The disciplinary process in the church comes from the Lord and is inspired. Those men who have to make the hardest decisions on our behalf do so with the proper priesthood authority, and out of love.
I am so grateful to have the knowledge of the atonement and the process of repentance. I see so many people that struggle, that know they have sinned, but see no way out. They literally feel they are dammed. I am so grateful that I know that although I made some very wrong choices, I can be forgiven. I know I have been forgiven. I know I can move forward, one day at a time, and live my life in righteousness. I KNOW I can be with my family for eternity, and live with my Father in Heaven because I have been forgiven.
Love,
Jami

The monster in the Closet

2009-05-21T17:42:00.004-06:00

Im still here. Ive been traveling and away from a computer a lot, but I'm still here. I would say I'm doing good, because I am, but I'm not "cured". I've had using dreams the last two nights. Tuesday night I actually took the pills (in my dream). I had pills, I remember thinking I shouldnt take them. I thought about Matt, how everything would be ruined if I took the pills. I even called Matt in my dream, knowing I was ruining everything. But, I took them anyway. In my dream, I was rationalizing using. I had Lortab and Soma, and I told myself that I was fine taking Lortab, that as long as I didnt take the Soma I would be fine. Are you kidding me? It's ok to take one thing as long as I stay away from the "bad" drug? I even remember thinking that I could take the Lortab that night, nobody would ever know, and nothing would happen.
This is addict thinking. This is my minds way of reminding me that I am still an addict. The addict in me didnt care about anything but those pills. I honestly cant say if I took the Soma. I remember taking the Lortab. I remember planning in my dream how I was going to lie to Matt, that he would never know. I remember calling him, but I also remember the GUILT when I talked to him. I guess that is one good thing, that I did actually feel guilty.
Then last night I had another dream. I didnt actually take anything, but it was another night of scheming. In my dream I had gone to a doctor and talked about having surgery. I told the doctor I couldnt do it now because I didnt have insurance. I remember blatantly Not telling him that it was because I was an addict and I wanted to stay away from pain pills. I wanted to leave that door open, in case I wanted pills in the future and I would have an excuse. In fact, I think I was planning on asking for pain pills, but Matt and my Mom came into the room. I remember them asking me if I had told the doctor I was an addict, and I said yes. I didnt want them to bring it up. I wanted that to be "our little secret".
It scares me that I was lying to Matt in both dreams. I havent lied to Matt about anything. I have been completely honest with him, and it bothers me that my addict mind did it so easily in my dream. In recovery, we call the addict mind the monster in the closet. We "stuff him away" in the closet and slam the door. But, we always have to remember he is there, and if we open the door even a little bit, he will come barreling out. These dreams make me realize that even though I am doing so good, the scheming, lying, manipulating addict is still in my head.
I talked to Matt the other night about some of my triggers. I told him how Soma is the biggest problem drug for me. We talked about being up front with doctors, and each other. I think maybe that is where the dreams were coming from. The "addict" in my is scared that I am being so proactive, that I am taking the steps to make sure it stays locked in the closet. I'm not sure, but I'm not taking any chances. Those dreams terrify me. They make me feel guilty and humiliated, even if they are only dreams. The good this is exactly that, they are dreams. I get to wake up and still have my sobriety, still have the serenity. I get to wake up and tell myself it was only a dream, and as long as I keep doing the right things, it does not have to become a reality!
Just for today I will use my tools to make sure my addict stays locked in the closet. I will continue to work on my sobriety and enjoy my serenity.
Love,
Jami

Acceptance

2009-05-10T15:09:00.002-06:00

I had to chair my first AA meeting last night. I was a little nervous, but then I was also glad. I have had some things on my mind that I can't go into specifically on this blog. I needed some advice from other addicts / alcoholics.
I'm having a hard time accepting that people make their own decisions. That those addicts / alcoholics who are in active addiction have to make their own choices. I see those struggling with addiction and my addict mind wants to fix them. I have to realize they have to do it on their own. I want to come up with a solution, find a way to make it better. I know all loved ones of addicts and alcoholics feel that way. We all want them to get better. I have to realize I can only worry about my own sobriety. Even though I see those addicts I love heading for a train wreck, I have to let their train wreck.
I guess it is good for me to see those in active addiction, because it reminds me of where I dont want to be. I dont want to struggle to talk, forget what I said, stumble when I walk. I dont want to sleep all of the time, or rely on something to get through the day. I love the freedom of my sobriety today. I dont have to worry about someone riding in my car and finding my stash, I dont have to worry about hiding my pills, or wondering where I hid them afterward. I don't have to walk into a pharmacy with my head down in shame, spending my last $20.00 on a prescription, trying to convince the pharmacist why I need a refill early. I dont have to worry about any of those things today. Just for today, I dont have to worry about those things again.
But, as a loved one, how do we help an addict? Especially if they don't admit they need help or admit they are using? I wish I had an easy answer. It is hard for me to be around someone in active addiction, because like a "normal" loved one, I feel like shaking them, arguing with them, pleading with them to stop. But, like an addict, I know exactly how they feel. It is humiliating to admit you have a problem, even more humiliating if you have been through a program before and are still using. I know I got too a point where I knew I needed to go back into treatment, but I didnt know how to say it. I had mentioned it a few times, but it hadnt gone anywhere. I knew I needed to stop, but I knew I couldnt do it on my own.
So, my advice would be first of all, to realize you can't make us stop. We have to decide we are ready to get help. I would suggest sitting down with that person without ganging up on them. Tell them you love them, and you know they have a problem. Give them options. We want to know you care, and you are willing to help us find a solution, rather than just yelling and arguing. Look into different options in your area. Offer to go to meetings with them. Find a way to cover their bills, job, daycare, whatever they may need covered while they are receiving help. Make their only worry their sobriety.
If we still arent willing to admit we have a problem, that we are using, set boundaries. Set a timeframe, if we dont get help in this timeframe, these will be the consequences. Stick with your boundaries! Distance yourself from us while we are actively using and not willing to get help. Get on with your life. Don't enable us any longer. We need to see what we will lose if we don't change. If we still don't want to change, do what is best for you! If you have given the addict / alcoholic a solution, given them options on how to get help and we still dont want help, it is time to move on. Get help for you and your family so you can lead happy, healthy lives, but don't keep pushing. Once the addict admits to a problem and is willing to get help, take them back with open arms.
I need to take my own advice today. I need to realize I can carry the message, but I can't carry the addict. Just for today, I need to make sure I stay clean and let others see how wonderful sobriety can be!
Love,
Jami

The mind is Quiet

2009-05-08T19:00:00.002-06:00

Sorry its been a week since I posted. Its really hard to get to a computer now at all, let alone get to one long enough to put together a post. But today, I want to talk about....Nothing.
See, I'm starting to get a little nervous. My mind is still quiet. I have had absolutely no desire to use, no cravings, no thought of using whatsoever. I know my family is all cautiously optimistic on one hand, waiting for the bomb to drop on the other. I know my Dad continues to look in my eyes, half (or mostly) expecting to see that glazed look he came to know. But Dad, today my eyes are clear.
So, if my eyes are still clear, why am I nervous? Because it's almost too good. Why is my mind so quiet? I've been thinking a lot about that lately. Have I finally earned some calm in the eye of the storm? Have I finally gotten a hold on this disease that has had a hold on me for so many years? I want to think yes, but I'm scared to think that. As addicts, we cannot get complacent. That is how we go back to our old behaviors. If you want to see an addict headed for relapse, look for an addict who thinks they are cured. I know I will never be cured. But, do I deserve to feel so serene? I am going to meetings, aftercare, speaking with my sponsor, speaking with people in recovery every day, reading my literature, most importantly PRAYING. I feel like I am working a dang good program. So, are these the promises that are spoken of at every meeting I go to? Am I finally reaping the rewards of being honest?
Sorry this is a short post, but I am headed to a meeting. Just talking about being complacent scares me, so I am going to make a deposit in my spiritual bank account. If you have any questions I havent answered, please ask me again. I know I am missing some, and I want to answer all of the questions. Your questions help me a lot to think about my own recovery. So please ask!
Just for today I will remember where I was and where I dont want to be again! I will continue to do what I have to do to stay clean, one day at a time!
Love,
Jami

Defending Driving High?

2009-05-02T14:39:00.004-06:00

I understand there is some anger at what I said in the last post, so I want to clarify something. I am not upset at her being upset about people driving high. It upsets me that people drive drunk / high. I am in NO WAY defending the practice of driving while under the influence. Although I did it many times, it is not right. Once I realized through treatment and the program how many people are actually driving that way on a daily basis, I am surprised I still get in a car, let alone those I love. So please understand I am not saying it is right. It is wrong and we should be punished for our actions.
I was upset at the fact that people think these things happen "at parties or in people's bathrooms". I am upset that people call us "jerks" because we are sick. I am upset because people have us pegged as losers without taking the time to educate themselves. My comparison of using getting high to feel normal as being the same as drinking morning caffeine is EXACTLY the same. I know many people dont agree, but there are some people who are in no way "normal" without that drug / caffeine. You would almost rather have them drive high than drive without anything in their system. It is no different from what other people need in the morning. I know people dont understand, I get that. I know people judge us because what we "need" is not just caffeine, I get that. I know people think morning caffeine is harmless and drugs are not, believe me I get that.
I just wish I could help people understand where we are coming from, that is my goal. It is not my goal to defend the actions of an addict / alcoholic. It is not my goal to convince anyone that drinking or using is ok, because it is not. I just want people to open their eyes. I want people to understand that a boy died because he couldnt get high enough to feel normal. That IS NOT OK. We have a disease and we need help. Until people start to understand that, things will not change. We need people to open their arms to us, to help us. As long as people keep turning their backs to us, nothing will get better. We will keep having people hurt / killed by drunk / high drivers. As addicts, we will continue to feel ostracized, worthless, alone. I dont know about you, but I think it is about time that stops. It is about time we all open our eyes to what is happening around us. We can't hide in our closets anymore. It is about time we start to show love and support, because we deserve it!

We Are Human!!

2009-05-01T17:33:00.003-06:00

I was blog hopping, blog stalking, blog browsing, whatever you want to call it the other day and I read this:
Just the other day my younger brothers lost a good friend to a Heroin overdose. This boy was trying to get high enough to "feel normal enough" to make the drive to California without having to stop to get high again along the way. WHAT?! Get high to feel normal enough to DRIVE?! I was shocked! I always pictured people doing drugs at parties or in their bathrooms at home or something. I thought it was a rare few who actually drove that way. It totally freaks me out that I'm driving around with my babies in the car with those jerks out there. Oh, I'm totally ticked off about it!!!
I've gotta say, this upset me. It upset me to the point I actually started crying (and I am not a crier). Somebody died. Somebody who was deeply hurting, and very sick. Why can't people realize we are sick? Why can't people realize we are human too? Why are we automatically "jerks", losers, scum? You would never tell someone "It's just cancer, get over it" Why do you think of us that way? Why do you say "It's just an addiction, get over it?" Addiction is a disease, and until we start treating it like one, things will not change.
I completely understand where this boy was coming from. What about those people who need their morning coffee, diet coke, energy drink to get started every day? It is NO different. We don't feel "normal" (or our idea of normal at least) without that drug. We HAVE to have it. To me, it makes sense to get "high enough" to feel "normal enough" to drive. That doesnt make sense to a lot of people, but that is because they don't want to educate themselves. So, for the people who think it happens to "other people" at parties or in their bathrooms, go right on thinking that way. But I promise you, it is happening to the women in relief society, the bishop's children, the neighbor kids. It is happening to your babysitter, your co-worker, your best friend. Addiction is not a disease of dirty needle users who shoot up in back alleys. It is happening EVERYWHERE. Nobody is immune.
Oh ya, by the way, those people in prison for drugs, they used to be the neighbors, the ward members, your friends at school. They used to be....They still are somebody's child, somebody's spouse, somebody's parent. They still are a child of God, and it is about time we start treating them that way.
Just for today I will not let judgement cloud my idea of a good person. I will realize every person has worth (Ever saint has a past, and every sinner has a future!)
Love,
Jami

For those Who Love us - The Do's

2009-04-29T17:09:00.002-06:00

I know I said I would write this awhile ago, but you all know by now my life doesnt usually go as planned. But, I am ok with that today. Last week I wrote the things you shouldnt do if you have a loved one who struggles with addiction. Today, I want to write the things you should do.
First: DO love us! We need to know we are loved. We feel so unlovable, that in our heads nobody loves us, or cares. I know we all think we show love by our actions, which you do, but we, as addicts, need to know we are loved. We dont see you as doing things out of love, we see you doing things for us out of necessity. Tell us you love us. Tell us you care about us, that you care if we live or die. I was with an alcoholic friend once when he was arguing with his mother. I told his mom that I was worried he would hurt himself or someone else if he was left alone. I distinctly remember her saying, "Who cares?" Well, I cared, and I guarantee my friend remembers his mom saying that. We need to know you care, that you love us. TELL US. Please dont just assume that because you are "helping" us that we know. We need to hear it, over and over!
Second: Speak from the heart. I dont know if any of you watch Intervention, but I love that show. I can honestly say that I always wanted an intervention, that I wanted to hear my family say those things about me. I wanted to hear how they remembered me, the potential they saw in me, that they loved me and cared what happened in my life. I wanted to hear the things they missed, their perception of me. I know I have said it a thousand times, but my own perception was so distorted that I couldnt see what they saw. I remember watching Intervention and envying those people, because they got to hear how much they were loved. Now, I dont want to say my family didnt love me, because they did. They just never took the opportunity to actually sit down and tell me that.
If you think about it, the human reaction in addictive situations is to get upset, yell, argue, everything negative. If you bring negativity to the addict, what will you receive back? If you speak from your heart, the addict can't argue with that. A person can't argue with someone else's emotions. Be positive, be kind, give the addict something to hold on to. Speak from your heart, not only telling us that you love us, but help us realize how much we are hurting you without being accusatory. Rather than saying, "Because you chose to use You did this to the family" Try something more like "Because of your using, I feel.... and it has caused me to ...." Let us know you want to have a relationship with us, you want to be around us, you just want us to be clean.
Third: DO set boundaries, and stick with them. This is where it gets tricky. I do agree with boundaries to a point. If an addict is walking all over you, make some boundaries. If you have five children whom you have raised to not drink or do drugs as teenagers, would you allow them to come home every night smelling like liquor and stumbling up to their room? Then why let us do that as adults? Why let us be around you and your families when we are under the influence? The obvious first boundary should be not allowing us in your homes or around your families if we have been drinking or using, period. If we are living with you and we come home drunk / high, kick us out. If we are invited to a family function and we show up drunk / high, ask us to leave. DO NOT enable our using. DO NOT make excuses for us. DO make us suffer the consequences for our actions. If we get picked up for a DUI, DO make us spend the night in jail, pay our own fines, be humiliated. DO make us see that "We can choose our own choices, but we can't choose our own consequences" With boundaries, set your boundaries, but I feel very strongly that once we have made the decision to get help and recover, we need to be loved. I can't say this enough, DO NOT abandon us. We need you to recover, We cannot do this alone. Don't make your boundaries so tight that when we are doing good, we are still being punished because a "boundary was set".
The bottom line is just to love us. Whether from a distance or right beside you, we need to feel your love! We need to know we have your support, and we need to know we are worth something.
Just for today I will continue to work towards my goal of reaching my potential.
Love,
Jami

The reasons I stay Clean

2009-04-27T14:08:00.003-06:00

Matt spoke with my family on Friday regarding our marriage. Instead of him asking my Dad for my hand in marriage, it ended up being a family discussion. I'm not going to go into detail, but my family loves Matt and we were given my family's blessing. My Dad said something that made me think though. He told Matt that my family has tried so many things to help me stay clean, but none of them have worked. Both My Dad and my Younger Sister told Matt they can't ever remember me being so happy. But my Dad brought up that he wonders why. Why all of a sudden am I staying clean, being happy, almost like a whole new person...He gave a few ideas.
Hope: I'll admit, I have had no HoPe for years, not since graduating from High School, if even then. My family has given me everything imaginable, but Hope is not something they can just give me. I have always felt like such a failure that there was no hope. Ya, there may have been hope to stay clean, but then what? I honestly had convinced myself I wasnt worth anything to anybody, especially to be a wife and mother. So, I could stay clean to be here for my nieces and nephews, for my grandparents, for my family and friends, but not really for hope of a life beyond addiction. For me, there was no hope for a future for me. Ya, I have been blessed to be a good worker, so I havent been too worried about having a good job, but nothing beyond that. Now, I have hope for a future. In a couple of months, I am going to be sealed to my Best Friend and I will finally have the life I guess I always have had the potential for, just not the hope. So, now that I have hope, is that why I am staying clean? If so, once we are married, have children, will I get back into a rut? What will it be then? Am I staying clean because I finally have HOPE?
Matt: Am I staying clean for Matt? People not familiar with addiction would probably say yes and think that was ok. It's not ok...I can't stay clean for anyone, not even the people I love. But, am I? Matt has made me happier than I have ever imagined possible. Matt loves me despite my downfalls, in fact, he loves me for who I am, addiction and all. Am I so in love with Matt, with the prospect of being a wife and mother that I am putting addiction to the side, only to have it rear its ugly head once the "newlywed" phase has ended?
This Blog: This blog has been HUGE in my recovery, but at what level? Am I staying clean because I dont want to let the blogging world down? Am I staying clean because of the pressure of being watched by so many people, many of whom I don't even know? Am I staying clean by portraying something to people that I am not?
Well, these are the three biggest things that I find myself wondering about. I would have to say the answer is yes to all three, minus one part. I am not staying clean for any of these things. I am staying clean for Jami...I am staying clean so I can be the daughter that my Heavenly Father intended me to be. His daughter. Yes, I do finally have hope. I would be lying if I said that wasnt a big part of my recovery, and Matt is a huge part of that hope. But, I am not staying clean for these things, they are just a stepping stone. I can finally see the happiness and serenity that following the commandments will bring to me. I'm finally beginning to realize (in a very small way) how much my Father in Heaven loves me, that he wants me to be happy.
As far as the blog, I won't lie, it has been very good for my recovery. But, am I staying clean for you? Honestly, no. I am just writing the things I feel, the distorted thinking of an addict, and of my journey to make it through my own personal Liberty Jail. I am selfishly putting into words my struggles, my highs and lows, and my feelings. From there, I have been immensely blessed by those who read this blog. So, yes, this blog does help me stay clean, but not so I dont let everyone down. Just so I can be selfish and feel the strength of others who struggle with their own problems.
I found it interesting that my Dad had these questions, because I had been wondering about them also. I know those around me wonder if this period of clean time is going to last. I guarantee, they have all noticed the change as I have, and although i cant tell you exactly why or how I am staying clean this time, I wouldnt change it for anything. Just for today I will make sure I put my recovery first, and stay clean for the right reasons.
Love,
Jami

A Letter to the Adversary

2009-04-23T11:54:00.004-06:00

Dear Satan,
Since you obviously didn't get the Memo I guess I have to write you your own letter. So, listen up! I am writing this letter to personally inform you that your little tricks and tactics to get me to use, those things that have worked in the past, will NO longer work. I have moved on. I am sorry to say (well not really sorry, but anyway) that I am no longer under your grasp, that of active addiction.
First, you send over my neighbor to offer me pills. Sorry, but I am not that dumb. I have taken care of that situation, so you can cross that off your list of temptations, I'm not that stupid!
Second, I woke up with a headache again today. I know, that has been the fool proof method to get me to take a pill, or a lot of pills, in the past. You have always been able to turn a headache into an excuse to use. But, not anymore. Actually, you would be surprised how well ibuprofen works to get rid of pain when you arent just looking to get high! I would much rather FEEL the pain of a headache and rEmEmBeR my day than stay in bed high. So, keep giving me those headaches, I'm strong, I can take it!
Third, the stress. Those things that would make me anxious and upset in the past. Those little things that were so BIG I had to have a pill to face them. You know, things like spending time with my family, money problems, even waking up in the morning. Well, I still feel anxious and upset over certain things, but I no longer have to use over them! I love waking up in the morning now, even on the days I wake up feeling anxious. That's right! I am willing to FEEL those things, because not only do I have to feel the anxiety and stress, but I GET to feel the happiness, calmness, and joy that I havent felt for years.
So Satan, you can keep wasting your time. Heck, please do. I have the Lord on my side, and I can overcome AnYtHiNg with his help. I don't know why I hung on too you for so long. Oh, you were loyal, and I could always "count on you". I always knew you would be there. You never let me down when it came to screwing up my life. But, there comes a point in everyone's life when we have to make choices. I have made my choice, and my future does not star you as it has the past. My future includes happiness, serenity and most importantly, my future includes my Savior, Jesus Christ.
Love,
Jami
P.S. By the way, I will be telling everyone who will listen how they can get out from underneath your grasp. I will be PRAYING for those still suffering, and I will be a support to those you are hurting. So there!

Help from My Readers

2009-04-21T15:11:00.004-06:00

Well, I know I have eluded to it a few times, but it is true, Matt and I are getting married. I can honestly say that I have never felt the spirit so strongly when it comes to the answer to prayer. We have fasted, prayed, I went to the temple, we both know it is right. Both of our families are excited because they can see how happy we are. My Mom said it is an answer to her prayers. She says I will understand when I have kids.
I am so happy, but also caught off guard. I really never thought I would get married again. I had convinced myself I was going to be alone for the rest of my life because of the way I had lived my life. I honestly thought nobody could love an addict, or even give me a chance if they knew. But, the Lord had a plan. I just needed to live the way I was supposed to and let the Lord lead me.
Matt was aware of my addiction before we even spoke. I have been open with him about everything, and he knows he can ask me anything. He has helped me SO much and I know he was put in my life by my Father in Heaven. He has been completely understanding, and he has taken the opportunity to get to know Jami....not the addict. He loves me for who I am as a person, he is proud of me and he is willing to do whatever he can to support me in my recovery.
This is where I need your help...his family doesnt know about my addiction. We are getting married on July 15th (hopefully in the SL temple if my cancellation of sealing goes through with my ex) and his family is coming to Utah for the wedding. We have talked about it, and we both know he needs to tell his family sooner rather than later. I am scared to death that they are going to talk him out of it. He has convinced me that he is positive we are supposed to be married, that he knows what his answer is and no person can convince him otherwise. I pray that is the case. But, what does he say? We are trying to decide if it is something we should do together or if he should talk to them himself. (They are in Florida and I will be going there two times before the wedding) I have spent time with his family and I felt nothing but love from them. They are very supportive of our marriage to this point. I am just so worried about what they will think, how they will react, what they will say. I am hoping they will see the Jami they have spent time with and realized that is who I am. I'm hoping.....
I know what people think of when they think of a drug addict. I know what goes through people's minds. We have talked about our having kids, about Matt trusting me. He says he trusts me whole heartedly because I havent given him a reason not to trust me. I have been completely honest with him. He says it is in the back of his mind, what if I use again, but it is only that. Only in the back of his mind.
So, to my supporters who read this blog, any ideas on how to approach this? I can't hide it, this is who I am. This is a part of my life. The addict in me would like to think I could just get away from it, my gosh, we will be living in Florida. But, like I told Matt last night, I cant do that. I am not proud of my addiction, but I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of the steps I have taken to recover, and I am dang proud of the progress I have made. I can't hide. Matt doesnt want me to hide it. He knows it is a trial I have faced and will continue to face, but he also realizes it has helped to make me who I am today. He knows my recovery is everything, he knows it will always be a part of my life. He knows how important this blog is to me, how important my friends in recovery are. So, I will continue this blog no matter what. No matter what happens I am still Jami, and I am still an addict, but most importantly I am still a Daughter of God.
I would appreciate any suggestions. He is meeting my family this weekend (he flies in on Friday) and I know they will love him. I am also worried about some of my family members discouraging him because of my addiction, but we have talked about that too. So, this weekend we will get through whatever happens with my family (which I know will not affect our getting married) then we will approach the subject with his family. Just for today I will realize the Lord has a plan, and that everything will work out...I just need to have faith. So, just for today, i will have faith! Thank you for your love and support! I love you all!
Love,
Jami

To those Who LOVE us...The Dont's

2009-04-21T14:07:00.000-06:00

Addiction is a lonely disease, yet it affects so many people. We, as addicts, feel so lost and alone, yet our family members and loved ones struggle also. I have had quite a few people ask me how to help their loved ones, and I have struggled with how to answer this.
I am going to be blunt...This disease does kill you. So my advice in short form is to LOVE us, but please DO NoT love us to death! How do you love an addict? How do you show your love to someone who constantly lets you down, lies more than they tell the truth and NEVER seems to improve? How do you love us without loving us to death?
I am in a different situation than many addicts as I am not the only addict in my family. As a family member who loves an addict, I have felt the anger, the mistrust, the disgust if you will. I have wanted so badly for a loved one to stop using, that I felt I was willing to do anything. The unique part is that I also know exactly how the addict feels. As much as I have wanted my loved one to step, I know exactly why this person was unable to stop.
So, I am no expert, if I was I would have been able to "help" so many addicts I have come to know the last few years. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. What I am going to say is what I would have liked to be done with me. It is not guaranteed to work, but if nothing else has worked, it is worth a try. Today, I am going to go over the things you should not do...
DO NOT
First, Don't waste your breath telling us how revolted you are by our actions, how much we are destroying our family, or how disappointed you are in our "choices". You can say it, but it will do no good. As addicts our defense mechanism is self condemnation. We have already degraded ourselves so much, that you cannot tell us anything that we have not already told ourselves. In fact what you tell us is probably nothing compared to the way we think of ourselves. We already have such a low self esteem that whatever you say negatively is not going to make a difference. We already believe that, tell us something we don't know.
Second, Dont bring up everything we have done, the ways we have destroyed our lives, how our "choices" have ruined everything. That is something that has probably hurt me the most. Those around me who like to keep bringing up things I did. I know ExAcTlY what I did, I don't need to be reminded. It also bothers me, because I promise you, I did not have a choice. I did not "choose" to do those things. I remember those things, I get the sickest feeling in my stomach when i think of them. I have to live with the memories, I don't have to live with those around me bringing it up all of the time. These are things we work through in recovery. Constantly having things thrown in our face will in no way help us to recover. We (and our loved ones) have to learn that the past is the past. We cannot change what we have done, but we can make sure it does not happen again. We are taught in the program that we cannot dwell on the past. We need to remember it enough to keep us from doing it again, but we cannot dwell on it.
Fourth, Dont watch us commit a slow suicide. Once you have DONE the things you can do in a healthy manner (I will give you some ideas tomorrow), if your loved one is still not willing to get help, then you should distance yourself from them. (If they are trying and willing to get help you should do the exact opposite, encircle them with love and support) That is the loving us to death part. Don't take care of us (enabling). As adults we should be able to take care of ourselves, provide for our basic needs. If we are actively drinking / using, do NOT bail us out of life. DO NOT pay our bills, make us dinner, clean our house, let us move in, or even bail us out of jail. Letting someone in active addiction "live" with you is probably the worst thing you can do. They have no reason to want to change, they know they are being taken care of. The longer you try to "help" by taking care of our basic needs, the longer you are prolonging the inevitable. Either recovery or death.
Sorry i am starting with those things not to do. I guess that comes to mind a little easier because it is easy to see what drove me away, made me more upset. I dont want to make the post too long, so I will post things to do tomorrow.
Just to start, DO pray for your addict. We can all use as many prayers as possible!
Love,
Jami

More Huge Strides to Make a WoNdErFuL Weekend!

2009-04-20T16:17:00.002-06:00

Well, it happened. I got to spend ALL afternoon with my brother's and sister's kids yesterday. I got to be there for Sunday dinner (I can't remember the last time I was there with everyone, before Thanksgiving for sure) and enjoy my Mom's roast with potatoes and gravy. Then, I got to take turns holding my three nieces while we watched a video of my youngest brother on his mission (my oldest brother's family got to spend time with him briefly while they were in Europe last week). I was enjoying the moment, loving every minute, and basking in my serenity. You see I have finally put a name to my feeling of calmness, I am feeling the serenity that the program promises. Oh, how I love the feeling of serenity that has eluded me for so long!
Not only did I get to spend time with them, but the time was well spent. My brother's youngest son was telling me story after story, sitting by me, laughing with me. My oldest nephew was still a little timid, but he did talk to me, look at my pictures of Florida and ask me questions. But, the most noticeable for me was that he seemed to be at least a little more comfortable around me. Baby steps, but oh how I am so grateful for these baby steps.
I also was able to go see my aunts, uncles, cousins, and Grandparents. My Grandpa told me he was so thankful that ALL of his family was able to be there (those that live close enough). I was grateful to be there. Today I am grateful for the little things, these baby steps. Today I am grateful to have serenity. Today, I am grateful to be me!
Love,
Jami

Other Resources

2009-04-20T15:59:00.003-06:00

I have had a few people comment and / or e-mail about blogs they have started and I have not had a chance to post about them yet. The first is the perspective of a wife and mother who is in the process of making some very tough decisions regarding her husband who is in active addiction. You can view her blog here. The second is written by a man who has battled addiction for many years. His wife is also posting as a co-dependent, which is something I have been asked about many times. You can go to their blog here. Thank you for being so open about your struggles. We are all pulling for each other. That is the best part, we are not in this alone.
I was at a meeting on Sunday morning and another addict made an interesting assessment. He said he has always been so scared to talk to people about his addictions because he knows he will be judged. Yet, in recovery, he can sit down with a group of people he has never met, tell all of his problems and transgressions, and yet feel the most unconditional love he has felt in this life. I feel that way with all of you. Whether fellow addicts, loved ones of addicts, or those who dont struggle with addiction, but are willing to struggle with me, thank you! I have never felt so loved and supported in my life, and I know that love is being felt by every person struggling who reads this blog. We are all in this together!
Love,
Jami

BABY steps lead to HUGE strides

2009-04-18T14:54:00.002-06:00

Wow....that's about all I can say, wow. If you had told me three months ago where my life would be today I would have laughed at you. Literally laughed. You see, my life is good. Really good. So much has happened, and it all started with baby steps.
In previous posts I have talked about how members of my family (siblings) had chosen not to be a part of my life, and I realized their need to do that. Well, yesterday was a huge day for me. I was able to go to lunch with my oldest sister Cami and see my 2 year old niece. HUGE step. I didnt say a lot in the way of an apology to Cami, that will come with my 9th step, when we are both ready. But, I did take the opportunity to tell her I was sorry, that I am in a good place right now, and that I am confident that she will see a change. By the end of lunch things felt right again, my relationship with my sister is on the mend. Again, HUGE step! I hurt Cami a great deal. She has stuck up for me many times and I blatantly lied to her and let her down. It meant a lot to me that she is willing to start working on mending our relationship.
Then it gets even better. My oldest brother and his wife just returned from Europe with their four kids. I scared his oldest son to death, and I have a lot of work to do to mend that relationship. I have not been able to really spend time with them sense Christmas. My sister in law came with us yesterday to look at wedding dresses. After she went home she spoke with my brother. She called me last night and told me that they have decided they are willing to make some changes and work on letting me have a relationship with them and their kids again. HUGE step!
The things I have learned in the program are true. My family is seeing the positive changes in my life, they see how happy I am, and they want to be a part of that. I was always told this would happen. I was told I can't force anything. If I stayed clean and worked on my program, everything else (especially my relationship with my family) would fall into place. My Dad even told me yesterday he can see a HUGE change in me, I am a totally different person. Just for today, I like the person I have become!
Love,
Jami

Back to Reality

2009-04-15T14:21:00.002-06:00

Well, I am back from Florida and back to the real world. I have had so many thoughts going through my mind and so many changes the last few weeks that it is hard for me to even put together a post. You see, my mind is QUIET....that's right, it is still quiet. Yes, things are happening, yes, my life is changing drastically, but for some reason my mind is ok. Addiction is all about our minds running on overdrive. I am usually thinking so hard on what is going to happen, what could happen, how will I react if it does happen, what will others think, and so many other things that I am not able to just live life on lifes terms.
Don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying I am cured, I am NOT saying things are perfect, and I am definitely NOT saying I am no longer an addict. I am saying that for the time being, I am ok. You know, M and I were talking the other day. He was asking me what had changed. Why I seemed so different after just a few weeks. I know what has changed, but it is hard to put it into words. I know that at least for now, I have quit fighting recovery. I have quit fighting the what ifs, I have conquered the fear of LiViNg. I want to live now. I want to remember my life, I want to experience situations, I want to be able to look at pictures and not have to remember if I was high or not when they were taken.
In essence, I have finally realized the power of my Father in Heaven is SO much stronger than the power of addiction. I have never been able to grasp that before. I always felt I had nowhere to go, that even with counselors, NA, doctors, even the love of those around me I could not conquer the addiction. It always seemed as though the hold was too great, I was too far gone to ever get out of the black hole. Today, I finally see the light. I am happier than I can ever remember, I have hope for a very bright future, and most importantly, I have the comfort of the Holy Ghost. Most importantly, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt the Lord has a plan for me, the Lord LOVES me, and he KNOWS me personally. He is stronger than the adversary, and if I continue to rely on him, I NEVER have to fall into the grasp of active addiction again. NEVER!
I realize this post sounds like I am saying I am cured, and please realize that is not what I am saying. I just finally have that hope and self worth that has eluded me for so long. I finally have the desire to do ANYTHING to stay clean, and at least for today, it is working. You see, just for today, my mind is quiet.
Love,
Jami

Using Dreams

2009-04-09T10:24:00.003-06:00

I had a using dream last night. I hate using dreams. No matter how well you are doing, it seems your subconscious mind just has a way of sneaking things in. What is a using dream? Let me explain.
I have two kinds of using dreams. The one I have most of the time is looking for pills. I spend all night in my sleep looking for pills everywhere. I never get them, but I don't stop looking. The kind of dream I had last night is the total opposite. I dreamt I had pills pretty much given to me everywhere. I was finding them everywhere I went. The moral dilemma which i still felt even though I was dreaming, was whether or not to take the pills. I honestly don't remember taking the pills, but I cant say for sure if I did or not.
All addicts have using dreams. They all differ in small ways, but we all have them. I have heard they get fewer over time. I have them about once a month and I hate it. For a person in recovery using dreams are hard. They are so vivid, that you wake up wondering if it really happened. I wake up feeling really guilty until I am able to process what happened. I just try to tell myself it is good because it reminds me of that place I dont want to go again. That dark place where the anxiety never ends.
I am still doing so good regarding my job situation and cravings. I am in Florida with M and my Dad said the family prayer before i left. He asked that I would have no cravings while I am here, and I havent had any. I realize I am going to have to get back to real life and face the fact that I am unemployed, but right now I am in a VERY good place. Just for today I will be grateful for the power of prayer and just for being genuinely happy. Something I havent felt for ten years. Today, I am happy!
Love,
Jami

I'm still here

2009-04-09T10:21:00.001-06:00

Sorry for not posting. Now that I am not working, it is a little harder to get to the computer. I am also in Florida for a week, so I don't have as much of a chance to post, but I am here and I am doing so good!
Love,
Jami

A handful of Poison

2009-04-03T13:43:00.003-06:00

I know I have posted a lot today, but this week Satan has been working so hard on me. This is the last one, I promise.
A few weeks ago i had just gotten out of my car at my house after an NA meeting when my next door neighbor stopped me. He is married and has a little boy, but that is all I know. I had only spoken to him one other time besides saying hi and bye. He asked me if I could take him to Walmart to buy a phone because he had dropped his and he needed to get a new one. I thought it was odd that he was asking the single girl in the complex, but ok. So, I was speaking to a friend on the phone and I told him to check on me in a half hour to make sure I was ok. Everything was fine, I took him to Walmart and he got the phone. As we were driving home he asked me if I drink. I told him no, that I like it too much. He said he had some high point beer at home that he had bought in Wyoming, and he would like to give me some for taking him. I told him that wasnt necessary, and that I dont drink anymore anyway, and that was the end of the conversation.
Since then he comes to my house at different times. When I am home for lunch, when I get home from work, even as late as 11:00 at night. He always comes to my backdoor and asks to use my phone. He always has a different excuse on why he needs to use it and so I was letting him.
I need to stop here to explain something. My old house was burglarized right before I moved into my new place. It scared me enough to watch out for myself, but not so scared that I can't live alone. The reason I let him use the phone was because I wasnt comfortable with him or the people he had coming to his house all of the time. In my head, if I made sure things were all right between us, I wouldnt have to worry. I didnt want to give them any reason to be upset with me and damage the safety I feel in my home.
So, he has used my phone a few times in the last few weeks. Well, Wednesday he came right when I got home for lunch, right when I got home from work, and right when I got home from tanning. The third time he came he asked to use my phone as usual. I handed him the phone and he asked if I knew what Lortab was. I told him yes, it was a painpill. He said his friend had given him some because his back was hurting, but he wasnt sure what they were. I just told him to make sure he didnt drive and to be careful with them. Then I left the room so he could use the phone. He always speaks in Spanish on the phone, but I still dont feel comfortable being in the same room. He called to me that he was done and I walked back into my kitchen. He was holding a HANDFUL of LORTAB 10's. He said "See, this is what I have. My friend said I can sell them too cause people like them. Do you want one cause I'll give you one". To an addict who is actively using, that was heaven in the palm of his hand. In my mind, it was literally a handful of poison. I quickly told him I dont like them and said something so he would leave. As he left he dropped them all over my floor. I didnt help him pick them up, i did not even want to touch them. I let him pick them up and he left.
I was shaking so badly by the time he left. I settled down a little bit and I called my Dad. I explained the situation to him. Of course he was upset that I put myself in the situation to begin with, but I couldnt fix that now. I also called M and between him and my Dad we came up with a plan. I am pretty positive my neighbor had been using my phone to make drug deals. Because I have been investigated for Doctor shopping, I didnt want to have to backtrack if something happened. So, I am keeping a log of the phone numbers and times he used my phone. I also assumed for awhile that he was dealing, just because of the number of people who come to his house and the oddest hours, but that was all I had to go on. So, I am also trying to keep track of who comes and goes. I have decided if he asks to use my phone again I am going to be honest with him. I am going to tell him since he showed me those pills I am not comfortable with him being in my house and he will need to find another phone to use.
While I was talking to my Dad we were talking about how hard Satan is trying to get me right now. After losing my job yesterday it hit me even harder. If I wasnt doing so good, after losing my job I probably would not have been able to resist those pills my neighbor had just shown me the night before. It was no accident it happened the night before. It was no accident it happened at that time and in that way. Had I not been actively in recovery, even if I hadnt had pills for a long time, I probably would have taken the pill, in fact I would asked for more than one. There was absolutely no reason for him to ask me. There was no way he would have known about my addiction. In fact the only thing he may have seen was my NA book. I know SATAN is working so hard on me. But I also know the power of my Heavenly Father is stronger, and I am finally utilizing that power in my life. I dont want to get or sound too complacent. I know that leads to relapse, but I am so proud of the decisions I had made, that I was able to stand up for myself and make the right decision. I know I can do this, and this week, I have made it, one HARD day at a time.
Love,
Jami

Hitting too close to home

2009-04-03T12:57:00.003-06:00

Addiction causes desperation. The desperation we feel is constant. Desperation to end the darkness we are constantly enveloped in, desperation to stop the feeling in the pit of our stomach, desperation to use those drugs as the only way how.
This desperation hit a little to close to home today. I dont know if you remember how I said in treatment we know addiction leads to jails, institutions or death? Well, someone from my treatment is now in jail for a long time. On Tuesday I had heard B had overdosed on Oxycontin and he was in the hospital, not doing well at all. Yesterday I read in the newspaper about a pharmacy robbery that had occurred. They had a description of the robber and I remember thinking briefly that it sounded like B, but they didnt have a picture, so I didnt think anything of it. Well, today I read in the paper that he was arrested and it was him. I guess his wife found the note, the mask, gloves and stuff Tuesday night while he was in the hospital, but she didnt know a pharmacy had been robbed. When she read the same article in the paper yesterday that I did, she put everything together and she called the police.
I wish I could explain the desperation, the feelings that go into making such a desperate decision. I myself have never been so desperate as to even think of that, but I know many people who have. B is a really good guy when he is clean. He is so funny, and smart. He and his wife have two little boys and he was doing so well. I remember one night talking to him and he had just gotten a new job. He was so proud of himself because it required a background check and he passed. We both new a lot of people in recovery wouldnt be able to pass. About a month out of treatment his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and I think that is what took him over the edge. I have only personally spoken to him once since then. He told me he was struggling, but he was still hanging on. I made sure he had my number and told him to call. I saw him at aftercare after that, and he seemed to be doing alright. But, unfortunately I guess he wasnt.
I just feel so helpless. I want the newspaper to publish something about what a great guy he is, how wonderful he was doing, but what the desperation and the disease did to him to bring him down so far. To in essence ruin his life. He said in the note that he had a gun so he is facing first degree felony aggravated robbery charges. My friend explained it so good this morning, but I cant remember exactly how she said it. But, he was so sick, so depressed, hating himself so badly that the only thing he knew to do was use, the addict took over. He didnt walk into that pharmacy to hurt anyone, he just didnt know what else to do. He HAD to have the drug, and that was the only way he could come up with to get it.
I dont know what signs to tell people to look for in this case, where the desperation becomes so bad. For me, the desperation led to drinking, which was so against everything I had been taught. I reached that desperation because I literally felt like there was nowhere else to turn. I felt completely trapped, and the only thing I knew to do was turn to the one thing that never let me down. The drinking and drugs always took away the pain, at least for a minute. I know the pain B was feeling, and it hurts me so bad inside that he was so desperate that he made that decision rather than calling so many of his friends in recovery who would have been there in a heartbeat. I believe he made the decision because he had been clean. His relapse started long before the day he robbed the pharmacy, long before he took any drugs, but he had the choice. I believe whole heartedly that B needs to be prosecuted and serve his sentence for his actions. I agree also with the decision his wife made to call the police. I just want people to understand how bad this desperation is. How this addiction convinces us that we are so worthless and hopeless that nothing else matters. How evil this disease is and how bad it can become.
Love,
Jami

When one door closes another door opens

2009-04-03T12:24:00.004-06:00

Thank you for the support with my job. I know it is with your support that I am making it through this ok. I wish I can tell you all of the details on how I was prepared, but that is a story for another time. I do want to tell you a few things though, both on what happened and my thought process. First of all, my manager was on a cruise, so they did not tell me until she came back, which was yesterday (she came back Monday but they waited until yesterday). I have no doubt if it had happened sooner I would have not been able to handle it. My life changed so drastically in the last two weeks, both spiritually and emotionally, that I am now prepared. The Lord also placed someone in my life who at the VERY least has been a good distraction for me. M has shown me there is something else out there for me. So, even if we dont end up together, I know I have worth and there are opportunities for me.
Yesterday when I was told, I cried. I went to my Dad's office to have him look over the paperwork. I cried quite a bit, but I was GrAtEfUl that I cried. I was gRaTeFuL i was feeling these emotions. See, as addicts we dont feel. We use so we dont have to feel. It has been so many years since I have been able to FEEL such a profound loss. A loss in the respect of the people I worked with, my clients, my employees. A loss of my security and my comfort. Also to feel the initial fear. How am I going to cover my bills, where will I work? But at the same time I was able to FEEL THE SPIRIT, to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost, to feel the love my Dad had for me through a Father's blessing, and to FEEL and KNOW everything is going to be ok. So, I know it sounds weird, but I am so grateful to have felt the initial anxiety and then feel the spirit comforting me.
We talked for awhile to come up with a plan regarding my bills and my situation. He asked me a question I know everyone is wondering. He asked me where my head was (as far as thinking). The weird thing was, it is nowhere but calm. I have been praying the last couple of weeks to be strong enough to handle whatever happened, and also for the cravings to at least be diminished. My Dad also gave me a blessing yesterday and he asked for the exact same thing in regards to cravings. I have none today, nor did I yesterday, which is a miracle in and of itself. See, I have been told by some people around me, and I have always felt that I dont deserve to have Heavenly Father remove the cravings. I didnt feel worthy, and I had literally had others tell me that this was something I chosen to do, so I would have to battle those cravings alone. Within the last two weeks I have had a couple of people in recovery tell me different. They suggested praying for the cravings to cease. I know my Heavenly Father knows this disease, he knows I didnt choose to become an addict. He is a loving, forgiving God and as long as I am willing to do the things I need to do, he is willing to do ANYTHING possible (short of taking away my agency) to help me overcome this. I know it is through him alone that my cravings have ceased.
As addicts sometimes we like to tempt fate, if you will. I have had thoughts of "Jami, dont you feel like you need to take something, this is pretty big" and immediately I realize I dont. Its almost like Satan literally asking and the Lord helping me answer. I really have no urge AT ALL to use. I cant say that will last. I have faith it will, but I know today I have no urge.
Another way the lord prepared me was by them waiting to tell me. I am not sure why they waited, but I know it was meant to be. I know it was because I had aftercare last night, so I was in a safe place and able to not only talk about my feelings, but let approx. 50 other addicts/alcoholics know I am in a precarious situation right now and to keep me on my toes.
Lastly, my Grandparents e-mailed me today. (I havent been able to talk to them because I get too emotional, so I e-mailed them). They said as they were putting my sisters name in the temple this week for a big test she had, they had the strongest impression to put my name in the temple also.
I was talking to my brother today who was looking for work a few months ago. I found him the job he is currently working at, so he is going to do anything he can to help me. He asked how I was doing and I told him. He said, he hopes I am, but they have heard that before. He said it in a very loving way, hoping it is true, but preparing himself in case it isnt. The epiphany I wrote about earlier prepared me for this. I know my family loves and supports me now, even if it is from a distance. I realize they need to see me stay clean. Before that, I would have wallowed in self pity, resentments, and so many other character defects. Today I know they are doing what they have to do. Today I know they are watching, and just for today, I know they are seeing something positive.
Love,
Jami

Changes

2009-04-02T14:57:00.002-06:00

Hi All!
I knew it was coming, but I lost my job today. I am doing ok though. I wanted to post the e-mail I sent to my family:
Hi Everyone!

There is no easy way to say this, but unfortunately I lost my job today due to the economy. I have no doubt this is meant to be, and I was prepared in many ways for this to happen. I have been given a severance and am blessed with the ability to pay my bills until I am able to find something else. I have also been given numerous letters of recommendation and I am positive this is a new opportunity for me.
I know you are all wondering if I am handling this ok, and today, I am. Dad gave me a blessing and I am being blessed with the strength to get through this, at least for today. This is a hurdle that I am in a good place to face right now. Maybe someday I will be able to tell you how I was prepared, but just know I am ok. I haven’t called many people because I am a little emotional, but I wanted to tell you I was ok. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate your prayers though, as I know they worked for Cory.

My new e-mail is jamicarter3@gmail.com or ldsaddict@gmail.com

Thanks again! I can feel your prayers and support! I love you!

So, that is how I am doing. I really am ok. I will post a little more after I get off today, my last day. I also had someone offer me drugs last night and I wanted to post about that. Wow, Satan is trying but I am doing SO good, and working SO hard!
Love,
Jami

On the Mend

2009-04-01T15:50:00.002-06:00

Hi all!

I am finally doing a little better, though not quite 100%. Because I still dont feel well and I have a ton of catch up to do at work, I dont have long to post, but I did want to say thank you. I appreciate all of the support. I wanted to thank Melinda specifically for her comments. Melinda, you are so right! I can tell you are in the program because of what you said to me. Please know I will not get offended. This a program where we are supposed to call each other on our crap, so I appreciate your honesty in calling me on it. We do have tools that we are taught to use in situations like that, and luckily I used them this time. I called three people in recovery, plus my parents to let them know I was feeling rotten and a felt a doctors visit was necessary (my Dad was not available until after the doctor though.) Also posting how I felt on this blog helped a lot. It for me is another form of accountability. Both my Mom and a very good childhood friend offered to go with me (thanks Mom and Vick) but I decided not to have them come. I needed to see if I could do this on my own. Luckily I had already told my Doctor I was a recovering addict and to flag my chart, so there was not even a discussion as to anything I cannot take.
I also prayed a great deal and pulled from my spiritual bank account to stay strong. Getting sick (usually headaches) has been what has led me to using in the past. It was a valid excuse to use. Like, "hey, the doctor said I was sick enough to need the pills, so I can have them" I'm no dummy, I know when you have a cough like I do you can get cough medicine with codeine, but this time I was strong. I had faith in the program and in my Father in Heaven.
I have no doubt my getting sick was from the adversary. I am in a really good place right now, and I know he doesnt want that to happen. I made a big step this week, but I can still only guarantee today. So just for today I will continue to rest and take care of my physical well being while keeping my spiritual well being in check. Thanks again for the support! I love you all!
Love,
Jami

I'm Scared

2009-03-30T10:01:00.002-06:00

I'm scared...literally scared. See, I am way sick. I know I said I was sick a few posts ago, but that was a little cold. This is something bigger. I feel sick all over. My sinuses hurt, I am stuffed up, I have a sore throat, I ache all over etc. So, I have the flu. It has been going around and I knew I would get it. I stayed in bed ALL weekend, drank OJ and ate soup (do you eat soup?) hoping to get better. But it is just getting worse every day.
So, why am I scared you ask? Because I have been told this requires an antibiotic, which requires going to the doctor. For a normal person, this would not be an issue. For a prescription drug addict, this is scary. Let me try to explain.
When I was actively using and out of pills I would call the doctor to make an appointment. The minute I got to the doctor, I would start to feel that high. Just being there gave me a high. The anticipation, knowing that within an hour I would have pills was enough for me. Its the same for those who used other drugs and had a dealer (or Dude as they are called in the drug world). As soon as they set up the time to meet up and get drugs, they would start to get that high. It is the psychological side of addiction. The anticipation had the same effect as the pills. Having the script in hand, calling in a refill and knowing you are going to pick it up, all of those feelings are part of the addiction.
So, I am going to the doctor today to get some antibiotics. I got some when I had my ear infection, and my doctor is aware of my addiction. Still, it scares me. What if I have a weak moment while I am there? What if I'm not strong enough? I feel so sick it would be easy to convince the doctor to give me something. I don't want anything. My life is too good right now. I feel so good mentally and physically (I dont know if that makes sense with me being sick, but I do) that I dont want to use. But it is still scary. Both going to the doctor and going to the pharmacy. I have no problem if I want to use, but I dont want to use. I want to stay clean. There are some good things happening in my life right now and I dont want to lose those opportunities.
So, just for today I will take a big step by going to the doctor, getting ONLY antibiotics and stay clean. (And hopefully start feeling better!)
Love,
Jami

Hilary Weeks, An Inspiration

2009-03-27T13:16:00.001-06:00

Hilary Weeks has always been an inspiration to me. She is an LDS performer and one of the first performer's I remember listening to growing up. In fact, I believe hers was the first LDS CD I received. Her songs are so inspirational and I remember listening to "He Hears Me" over and over. I had the opportunity to attend Time Out For Women this year up at WSU and she was one of the performers. I loved every minute of it.
Saturday night my ex-fiance and I went to Wendover (a little gambling town about two hours from where I live). J, as I will call him, and I are still very good friends. He moved to New Hampshire about a year ago for work, but he is also in the army. He is being deployed for six months so we wanted to spend some time together before then. Sorry for all of you that think I am a sinner but I really enjoyed myself (I made a limit for myself so I wouldnt overspend. In fact I won $150 on $20, so I did good) Anyway, J was exhausted from traveling so I drove both ways while he slept. On the way home I put in one of my Hilary Weeks CD's. I was so inspired. There was one song in particular that I felt was written for me (a couple actually, but I am only going to talk about one). I was driving with tears running down my face. The song is called He'll Carry You and the lyrics are words we can all use, addicts or not. They go as follows:

He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just to simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why

He hears your prayers
Each humble word
When you said you couldnt face another day He understood
He knows the path when you walk blind
Though you've felt alone, He's never left your side

He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words could take away your
sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step
And done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He'll bring you peace
And leave you hope
And through the darkest night He'll comfort you until you know
The sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again

And in the moments when no earthly words can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes can see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step
And done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry You

He hears you when you're crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to fight
Til the morning will come and the light of the dawn reassures....

I was glad J was asleep because I played the song over and over. It really hit me. What an amazing woman with an amazing talent. Hilary, you have touched my life when I needed it most. I truly feel no human can understand where I am at right now, but I know my savior can. He has felt my pain and felt my struggles. So thank you Hilary for putting into words and song my feelings. You truly are an inspiration! I would suggest to go buy her CD's if you dont have them already. They are inspiring in any situation.
Just for today I will remember my savior is always there, and he KNOWS how I am feeling. I am not alone!
Love,
Jami

Just my thoughts...

2009-03-26T11:18:00.005-06:00

Sorry about the post yesterday. I was just struggling and it helps me to voice that, even to a bunch of strangers. It helps to just be able to say I am human and I am having a hard time. But, I did as I said. I went home and didnt leave. I cleaned, cooked and talked on the phone.
Today I am doing better. The same things that were bothering me are still there, but I am ok today. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head.
I guess i will talk about my job first. I have worked with my company for almost three years. I know I am the most productive worker in my branch (that isnt just me saying that, many others agree). I do have a problem being on time sometimes, but not often. Because of the economy, I found out yesterday they are for sure letting one of us go (there are three of us in the office) and they are making the decision next week. Unfortunately, my branch manager is threatened by me (again other people agree) and we butt heads sometimes. So, if they leave it up to her, she will decide to let me go. I am just really struggling with this because as far as bringing in the money, accounts, and the relationships with clients / associates I am the top in our branch. But, you know how you get a feeling some times? Well, I have that feeling. Deep down I know I am going. So, I realized (thanks to treatment) I can't change that. I can only decide how I am going to react. My Dad told me not to use over this, it isnt worth it. I have no desire to use over it now, but if I lose my job, I can't say I won't have that desire. I dont know how I will react when it really happens. I told my sister yesterday I may have to stay with them for a few days afterward just to keep me in check. I just got the townhouse I have to pay for, besides all of my other bills. Anyway, not to ramble, but I realize this is a good learning experience for me. I keep telling myself there is something better for me out there. Maybe I will find something that I would have never found if I had stayed at Adecco. I mean, I planned on making Adecco my career. I LOVE my job. It is stressful and I get frustrated at times, but I love my job. But, I know God has a plan and maybe it isnt for me to be at Adecco. So, today I am doing my job to the best of my ability, realizing whatever happens is going to happen regardless. But please, keep me in your prayers. Not necessarily that I will keep my job, but that I will be able to realize that whatever happens will be the best thing for me.
I had a good talk the other night with someone in recovery. There is a couple who was in my aftercare the first time I went through (the husband is the addict (L), the wife (S) a co-dependant) who I just bonded with immediately. I consider them my surrogate parents and they told me they think of me as a daughter. I went to their house the other night and I was talking to S. I was telling her that I couldnt understand why I could handle tough situations ie: my house being burglarized, my basement flooding etc., without wanting to use, but when it came to good, happy situations I always had the urge to use. I know it is from Satan, but I just couldnt understand. She helped me understand. It all comes from self-esteem and negative thinking (a character defect). It seems like I can go through anything negative just fine, but when I am supposed to go to a happy thing, or those who love me tell me how proud they are of me and give me more privileges, I have the urge to use. She helped me realize it is because Satan has convinced me that I dont deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to have these good memories. I know all negative thoughts and low self esteem come from satan, but I didnt realize subconsciously I have convinced myself I didnt deserve it. The first step in changing something is to be aware of it. Now that I am aware, I can work harder on realizing I do deserve to be happy. So thanks S and L for always being there for me! I appreciate you more than you know!
FYI: There was an article in the People magazine (which I LOVE) that came out last Friday, 03/20/2009 about shopping addiction. It was really good.
Also, in Utah they show General Conference on channel 5. In between the Sunday sessions they usually show a documentary. This time they are showing one on the LDS 12 step program. I would encourage all those who are able to watch it. I am sure it will be very insightful as it is inspired from the Lord.
Just for today I will not worry about what MAY happen, I will live in today. I will not let Satan have control of my feelings and my self esteem.
Love,
Jami

I'm struggling today

2009-03-25T16:47:00.002-06:00

Today I'm struggling. It looks like I will probably lose my job next week and the day has just been blah. I'm not having cravings, but I am struggling mentally. It is not a good day. I plan to go home and ground myself to my house. I know I am safe there and as long as I dont get in my car, I dont have access to anything. So, I am not going to write much other than the fact today is not a good day. Today is a struggle. I am just telling myself tomorrow is a new day. Also, I have to let go, let God regarding my job. So, sorry for not posting anything else, but sometimes I just dont feel up to it. I just know I need to write about my struggles. I need to convince myself tomorrow will be better, and I am still a daughter of God. So, again, today is a struggle, but I know I can make it through, five minutes at a time.
Love,
Jami

An ePhIpHaNy...

2009-03-23T13:22:00.004-06:00

You know how sometimes someone has been trying to tell you something but you just dont listen? Sometimes you just need to hear it from somebody else? Well, that happened to me this weekend. I know my family has tried to tell me this so many times, but I just didnt want to listen. I was at an AA meeting on Friday night, which I loved. A man came up to me afterward. I had mentioned how frustrated I was with the way my family was "treating" me. He had his Big Book (The AA "Bible" if you will) turned to a certain page (page 135 if I remember correctly). This chapter was entitled Family Afterwards. I don't have a Big Book, I have the NA book, so I cant exactly quote what it said, but I can give you the gist of it. He said I need to be patient with my family (as I have been told MANY times). The quote said something about how we (as addicts / alcoholics) have lied to them so many times, that is all they know. They know because that is what we have "taught" them to know with us. I understand this. I always have. I know the trust has to be built from scratch. I have lied to my family members so many times. I know they have every right not to trust me. I know it, it is just hard for me to accept. I just want them to be able to see in my mind how much I want to stay clean, how hard I am trying. But, I know that is not possible. They did not lose trust in a day, or even a few weeks. The trust will not come back quickly either, it is a process.
Anyway, he continued to talk to me about how the trust can be earned. There was a line in the book and I wish I could remember it. But, it said something to the effect of Seeing is Believing. Those who love you will believe what they see. If they see you clean, working to change your life around and recover, that is what they will believe. If you choose to use (because I do have a choice now), that is what they will see, therefore that is what they will believe. They cannot believe our words anymore, we have shown them that. But, they can believe our actions. So, the dialog went something like this (I will use F for my friend)

F: Jami, you want your family to see you being clean and trying, don't you?
Me: Yes, so bad!
F: You want them to notice how well you are doing and to acknowledge that, dont you?
Me: Yes. Them acknowledging it would be nice.
F: So, if I understand, you want them to notice you being clean and trying to recover. But, when you "relapse" or decide to use, you DONT want them to notice, and you DONT want them to acknowledge, correct?
Me: Umm, ya, I guess you are right
Here is the EpIpHaNy...
F: Jami, you can't expect your family to listen to you saying you are trying so hard, but then they see you pop a pill. That isnt how it works. If you continue to stay clean, work hard in recovery and TRULY change your life around, they WILL see it. They may not acknowledge it as much as you would like, or even at all. That may be their way. But I promise you, they will see it. Eventually, they will start to trust you because that is the Jami they have seen. SeEiNg Is BeLiEvInG... So, remember, the next time you really want to take that pill, your family is watching, and seeing is believing. Is that what you want them to see, because I promise you, they will see it. If you want them to see you in recovery, than stay in recovery. It will come, they will come around. Just be patient with them as they have been patient with you for so many years. If you live your life clean and happy, they will want to be a part of that. Hopefully the next time you feel that urge to use, you can remember how far you have come and realize they are watching. The only way you will prove you are serious this time is by LIVING it.
Wow, that really hit me. I had heard it so many times, but for some reason, it hit me on Friday night. It is not fair for me to ask my family to watch me while I am trying and to acknowledge that, but to ask them not to watch or acknowledge when I am using. I HAVE to SHOW them that I am clean, that I am trying my hardest to stay that way, and that I am changing my life in every way. It is not fair for me to expect them to just trust me and act like everything is wonderful.
So, just for today I will not be so hard on my family. They are trying just as hard as I am. They do everything out of love. Just for today I will stay clean so my family can see, even from a distance, because Seeing Is Believing!
Love,
Jami

Making the Decision to get Help

2009-03-19T14:01:00.003-06:00

I have had quite a few people ask how I made the decision to get help, how I told my friends and family, and how I actually received the help I needed. I am so glad you are realizing your problems and are at least thinking about recovery. I promise you can recover, one day at a time!

How did I make the decision to get help? I did not make the initial decision, my family did. They physically took me to the hospital and admitted me. I was holding onto a lot of reservations. I knew about the program, but I did not want to go. I was too worried about my job, paying my bills, and mostly having to stop using. I was scared. I was scared of the unknown and not strong enough to take that first step. So, thankfully my family did it for me. Although I relapsed after that, I will be eternally grateful for their pointing me in the right direction. I am just a slow learner! The second time around it was my choice. I had actually been asking to go back to treatment for months. It took my family (including my nieces and nephews) finding me passed out on the floor with a blood alcohol of .4 for others to agree with me going back to treatment. (I will go into that story another time. But, I know it was supposed to happen) I knew what treatment had to offer and I wanted that feeling again. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I realized I am young and I have my whole life ahead of me, if I recover now. I can either live a happy, healthy life, or I could continue down that road that made me and everyone around me so unhappy. I just can't live like that anymore.
This disease is humiliating, and that is usually what keeps us from getting help. We are too humiliated to face it or to tell anyone, especially those we love. As one person said in a comment, she does not want to disappoint them. If you are willing to get help, they should not be disappointed. They may not know how to react at first. That comes from them wanting to help but not knowing how, not from disappointment. Those of you who have commented, whether anonymously or with your name have taken a huge step. By writing it down and sending it to me, you have started to face the reality of your addiction. I think convincing ourselves is the hardest part. We dont want to seem weak and we think we should be able to stop on our own. I promise, you cannot stop on your own. It will only get worse. Keep using me as a resource. You cant swallow an elephant in one bite. Do not get overwhelmed, but dont stop either. YOU CAN DO THIS! I am here to support you in anyway possible, as are many others you may not be aware of.

Telling your friends and family: I did not have to tell them, they knew. As addicts we think we hide everything so well. We even hide our pills, alcohol, web sites, shopping bags whatever we are addicted to. We feel like our addiction makes us such a better person, the life of the party if you will. We think nobody knows because we lie and do whatever we have to so we can keep our secret. But, honestly those close to you know. They may not realize you have an addiction problem, but they know something is not right. Once you actually speak with them, they will not be as surprised as you think they will be. The hard part is actually making the decision to open up a discussion with them. To actually have to acknowledge, not only to yourself but to those you love, that you have a problem. Before you speak to them pray to your Father in Heaven. Pray for the strength to be able to speak with them, and for the strength you need to do whatever you have to do to recover. Also, pray for the spirit to be with your loved ones. Pray that they will be understanding and supportive. I would also suggest asking for a blessing. I would ask from someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation (home teachers, friend or even your bishop). You dont have to tell them anything about your addiction, but they are able to give you a blessing of comfort without having their personal feelings involved. When you actually open up the discussion with your family do it in a remorseful way. Go to them in a spirit of humility. Let them know you realize you have a problem and you need help. Tell them you need their love and support now more than ever before in your life. You DO NOT need to use this time to apologize or make excuses. In fact, you should not. There is a correct time to make amends. For now you just need to acknowledge your problem and ask for support. Hopefully your family will be understanding and supportive. If they try to tell you otherwise, or they start attacking you personally, end the discussion. You did what you have to do. You can still recover, so dont give up. Also, this is not the time to go to your bishop, so dont worry about that yet. That comes with step 5.

Hopefully that gives you something to ponder. Please ask me more questions if you have them, or ask me to clarify if you need me to. Also, if you would like to e-mail me privately, my e-mail is ldsaddict@gmail.com This is a program of anonymity. I WILL NOT break that. Anything that is said is between us. The only time that anonymity is broken is when you decide to do that. So please use me as not only a resource, but as a friend in recovery. I love you!

Just for today I will pray for those who are suffering in silence. I will pray for their families and for the strength they need. I will also make myself available to those who are in need of support.
Love,
Jami

The Lord has a Plan!

2009-03-19T13:24:00.003-06:00

Ok, I tried to put a picture of me on here so you can get an idea of me a little better. Of course I chose a wedding picture because I looked gorgeous on my wedding day, as all brides do. I am not the best at cut and paste, and it was hard taking everyone else out, so sorry, but this is what I came up with.

I just want to reiterate the reason I am doing this is not because of me. I am not sure how I got the courage to be so open about my addiction, but I know it is from the Lord. Just last summer we were talking as a family and Cami said if I died she was going to put in my obituary about my addiction (something you really do have to think about with an addict). I told her no way. I didnt want anyone to know who didnt have to. I was ashamed that even in death people would know. Look at me now. I know I will never get married now that I have posted my life on the web. I mean who would even give an addict a chance? But that is ok, I am ok with that. I know this is what I am supposed to do.

I know there are many reasons I am supposed to do this. At first I didnt want to do it. I wondered why. I thought nobody would read it and if people did read it, I thought they would think it was stupid and move on to the next blog. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would get the response I have received. Just by reading the comments and e-mails I have received I already know the Lord is working through me. I have decided if my being so open can help even one person, it is worth it. Your comments and posts help me so much in my recovery and give me a reason to keep going every day.

Anyone who has read the blog knows I am very blunt. So, I do want to say something. The reason Jami wanted to start the blog. I wanted people to quit judging me. I wanted people to realize I am human, I have worth. Just because I am an addict doesnt mean I am any less of a person than anyone else. I know the things that are being said about me. I remember the things people say to me, and it hurts, badly. I want people to become educated. It is sad that with this disease we do have to hide, we dont want anyone to know. The reason we feel that way is because people around us are uninformed. Our families and loved ones judge us and dont know how to help, and they are scared. We don't know how to express our feelings to our loved ones, and they don't believe us anyway because we have lied to them so many times in the past. I want my family to understand where I am coming from. I dont want my loved ones to introduce me as That's Jami, she's a drug addict. That hurts more than I can say. Being an addict does not define who I am as a person. We have feelings and we want people to understand.

So, I am the voice of addicts. When I say I, it is for ALL addicts, not just me. No matter what the addiction the grasp addiction has on us is the same. We need support and we need to know we are loved. Unfortunately my family will not learn as much as others because of the things I have done. I hope they read with an open mind to truly understand how I feel. But I know others are benefiting from my thoughts. So, thank you for your comments. I just wanted to make sure people know I am not really brave or as amazing as some may suggest. I struggle daily and I do have wreckage from my past I need to work on. But, I have the Lord on my side and I am following the path he is leading me on. Thankfully, I am getting a small glimpse of why I have had to take this journey. So again, thank you for your support. I will keep writing as long as you keep reading!
Love,
Jami

Tuesday Nights

2009-03-18T10:19:00.003-06:00

I went to my LDS meeting last night. Oh how I love those meetings. It is like going home. We were talking about step 9 last night, which is making amends / restitution to those we have hurt. It is an overwhelming thought to do that, but it needs to be done. I am currently on step 6, so I am not quite there yet, but hopefully I will be able to do it.
One lady in my group said things I needed to hear. She was talking about how she was not able to make amends to her grandparents because they had passed away and how hard that was on her. It really hit me. I am so blessed that I have all of my grandparents living. If I dont get my act together soon in helping them realize I am clean, I will miss that opportunity also. I know they can see us from Heaven and they would still be proud of me, but I really want them to be able to see me clean and happy in this life. I know that is all they want. My grandpa sent this blog address to some people he e-mails. He said: "Thought you would like to know what Jami is going through. I would give my right arm if I knew how to help her". I REALLY want them to see the Jami they love, not Jami the addict. It just really hit me.
She also said something else I really needed to here. She said, "Your Heavenly Father loves YOU no matter what. No matter what you have done, how many times you have screwed up, or no matter how unworthy you feel, he still loves you and he is still willing to help. You just need to turn to him" I felt like she was looking at me and talking to me. I know I have said that to everyone else on this blog. And I know that, I have no doubt our Heavenly Father loves you and is willing to help, no matter what. I just seem to know that for other people, not myself. I guess I have pretty much written myself off. I feel I have screwed up so badly and I am not worth "saving". I have felt maybe this blog is my mission. Maybe I can gain a little bit of dignity by helping others. I truly feel if I can help one person, I am finally worth something. I dont know, I know it is messed up thinking, but it is how I feel. There is a small part of me that knows I havent been written off by my Father in Heaven. As much as I want others to succeed, he wants all of us to succeed, even me. I started thinking that Heavenly Father would not be willing to sacrifice one of his children to save another. So, why would he sacrifice me? Why would he have me do this blog just to help others? I deserve to know I am loved too. So, I thank my friend from my meeting. I really needed to hear that.
Just for today I will realize my Heavenly Father loves me, Jami. My Grandparents and family love me and they want me to succeed. I am worth saving! Thanks for listening to me ramble today! I love you!
Love,
Jami

Another thought

2009-03-17T13:25:00.003-06:00

I told you my mind is always thinking and as i went to lunch today it was no different. I realized that I didnt really convey how a normal person (normie as we call them) can relate. So, I will say it like this. Being a normie, imagine being told to stop breathing. Just stop. Ridiculous right, you would die! Well, that is how we feel. We need the drink / drug (our addiction) to virtually live, we know no other way. We feel if we just stop we are giving ourselves a death sentence. If you were told to stop breathing but were told another way to live, you may try it, but it would be very scary as you have relied on breathing that way for your whole life. Again, this is how we feel with treatment. We are being taught another way to live, but we are naturally apprehensive as we have lived most of our lives using (at least in our recent memory). We are not positive it will work, but if we are willing to take that first step and try, we will make it. It may be uncomfortable at first (again, imagine a new way of "breathing") but we will get the hang of it. Eventually, the new way of life will be the only way we know how to live. Hopefully this is something a "normie" can relate to.
On another note: Please read my sister Cami's comment on the post before this. I like that one of my family members is speaking up (although I will not post personal attacks against me). I feel Cami had every right to say what needed to be said, without attacking me as a person. Thank you Cami.
Lastly, I want to thank my cousin Kristen for her write up on her blog, which you can read here. It really meant a lot to me!
I love you all!
Love,
Jami

Why dont we just stop?

2009-03-17T10:23:00.003-06:00

This is the question our loved ones want to know..Why cant / wont we just stop? It sounds so easy, just stop drinking / using and everything will be wonderful, right? It is not quite that easy. I am going to try to explain, if possible, the feeling of the addict...
This is the only disease where one can convince themselves they do not have the disease. We all think we can just stop any time we want. I bet if you ask any addict they have tried multiple times on their own. I know I did. I would try to ween myself off the pills, only to find they were gone within a couple of days. It NEVER worked. So the first thing is actually accepting that we are an addict / alcoholic and we need help. I dont know about you, but it is a lot easier to look at others weaknesses before my own. I did not want to admit that I was an addict. In my mind an addict was an illegal drug user, homeless, someone that committed crimes to get their drugs, poor, just anything but me. ANYTHING but ME.
We cannot just stop, either physically or mentally. The thought of NEVER taking a pain pill again scared me to death! Never is a long time, I am young and some painful things are bound to happen in my life. The thought of pain scared me and still, the thought of NEVER makes me anxious.
Not just the thought of pain but the thought of never using period. See, as addicts we feel we need this "lift" to get through situations. It may be one pill, drink, or drug a day, or it may be 20-30. Either way, we can't go throughout our day without our "fix". We plan everything according to what drugs we have, and if we dont have any, we figure out how to get some. In our minds, our Drug of Choice (DofC) is what helps us in situations, it is what makes us get through everything. Without it, we feel like we cant go on, like we cant handle anything. The feeling inside when you dont have any of your DoC or we choose to stop is so hard to explain. It is kind of like the cravings I felt the other day, only more intense. We feel VERY anxious, depressed, like the world is falling down around us and the only way to get it to stop is to use. That is the only way we know how. In our minds, using is the only thing we have been able to rely on, it is the only constant in our lives. It is hard to even fathom going through life without using. It is too hard to stop, and too easy to go on with what we know, using. When we are faced with getting help and recovering, I can guarantee EVERY addict / alcoholic wants to recover. I know the first time I went into treatment it was like a sigh of relief. Even if I couldnt admit it myself, others saw I needed help. I wasnt willing to say thank you at the time, in fact I was mad. Mad at my parents, my aunt and my fiance who "forced" me in, but deep down I was so grateful! I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel.
I can guarantee every addict wants help, but psychologically for some it is too hard. In treatment the only thing you have to change is EVERYTHING. We have to change every aspect of our lives for this program to work. That is a very sobering thought in itself. Many people have to change friends, quit seeing family and lose their jobs. Many of us arent willing to change everything, we always leave that back door. I know I did. We don't realize that we really do need to change everything.
So for families ~ please know it is not that we dont want to stop, it is that we can't. We as addicts want it with everything in our being, but unfortunately our addict takes over. If we don't make it the first or second time (statistically an addict / alchololic relapses seven times on average before becoming truly clean) don't give up on us, it does not mean we are weak. It just means psychologically we are not ready. I am not using this as an excuse. Anyone can recover if they want it bad enough and if they are willing to work hard enough. Sometimes it just takes more to get there for some than others.
And to those who want to quit ~ Please know that you can do it and most importantly, you are not alone in your struggle. There are others out there who know what you are going through and are willing to help. Take advantage of that help! I would suggest going through an actual detox at a hospital or treatment center if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can get some medications from your doctor to help you detox (I am not talking about methadone meds. I personally don't believe in those). Once you have SAFELY detoxed, get into a program. There are multiple programs all over. Research the program first. I personally went through the ACT program at Ogden Regional Medical Center in Utah. They are rated nationally as one of the best recovery centers in the Nation. If you cannot afford a program, DO NOT GIVE UP! Go to meetings. Try 90 meetings in 90 days. AA, NA, CA, anything. Addiction is the same no matter your drug of choice. Get a sponser, someone with more than a year of recovery who has worked all of the steps, someone you feel comfortable talking to. Do the step work. There are step working guides available at all meetings. If you cannot afford it just let them know, they will make sure you get one! Make friends in recovery, start with me. It is so nice to have people as friends who know what you are going through. I am here for you, and many others are too. And most importantly, Dont Forget to Pray! As I said before, your Father in Heaven is waiting for you with open arms. Come to him, you will feel at peace, I promise. He loves you no matter what you have done or how terrible you think you are. He Loves You!
Just for today I will pray for others who are still suffering and their families. I will thank my Father in Heaven for my sobriety, and continue to improve daily.
Love,
Jami

LDS Resource for Recovery

2009-03-16T13:16:00.002-06:00

I have had a few people ask about the 12 step recovery meeting that the church provides. The meetings are for ANYONE who is struggling with any type of addiction (addict, family member, friend) I even had some members of my Relief Society presidency go with me. The meetings are amazing, I know the feeling is how the celestial kingdom will be. The people at these meetings are very humbled and have felt the love of the savior in their lives. To be with a group of such repentant people is a feeling you will feel nowhere else! I would suggest anyone interested should check them out. Even if the addict in your life is not attending, you can go yourself, and find a friend in those in recovery.
Here is the link to the church's Addiction Recovery Website (off the main site providentliving.org)
I also have the link to look up meetings here. There are meetings every day, so please use this resource. You also DO NOT have to be active in the church, or even LDS for that matter. This is just another resource for any recovering addict and those that love them.
Love,
Jami

Clarifications from last post

2009-03-16T11:16:00.003-06:00

So, I kind of skipped over a bunch of stuff on my last post. Mainly because I didnt feel good (I have a cold and I have to be careful on what meds I take) and I didnt want to make the post too long. So, I need to clarify a few things:
I was looking and realized i said a few things how I want them to sound, not how I perceived them. I think I need to tell you some things so you can see the distorted thinking of an addict (it starts WAY before the addiction). Again, I am admitting this is SCREWED UP thinking (I dont want my family thinking they are really this way and getting more mad at me). Also, I am going to use the following abbreviations for my siblings (I havent asked their permission to use their names, and until they tell me it is ok, I will only use OS for older Sister, OB for Older brother, YS for younger sister and YB for younger brother)
- Growing up I always felt left out. I used to joke it was my OS and YS, OB and YB and Jami and the dog. Then the dog died. People would laugh, but that is really how I felt. I always felt like I didnt have anyone. I still feel that to this day, although I am trying to get over it. I still get VERY excited if one of my siblings asks me to do something, because I feel I am not worth being invited. If one of them asks me to do something, I will usually drop whatever I am doing because I feel I need to prove myself (both to them and to me). I always felt I was a huge supporter, never missing YB's games (until I was in treatment) and going to YS plays multiple times to support them. I guess this was the only way I felt accepted, although I never felt I was wanted. I never felt good enough in anything. I find myself still trying to tell all of my family everything I do that I think is good so I can "live up to" my siblings. Again, DISTORTED thinking. I know my family loves me a great deal. It is my self esteem that makes me this way. I realize that. I also realize I need to be happy with who I want to be, not who everyone else wants or thinks I should be.
My brother actually put the following on a blog about me: My sister is one of the most talented and success-prone people I have ever met. She has a radiant personality, is intelligent, and has an uncanny ability to help others feel comfortable in her presence. She is the most charitable person I have ever met, jumping at any opportunity to brighten the day of another, particularly her family.The other side of her is the addict - a selfish, lazy, unmotivated, and sloppy liar. The addict has no respect for others and has no desire to associate with anyone my sister loves.
I had no idea he felt that way about the "true" me. This is the me I need to realize I am, not the distorted me, the one nobody loves. I also put the other side of me, the addict side, because it is true. That is Jami the addict.
- Before my marriage i did use my pills when I didnt have pain and I "made" up the endo pain at times. I didnt realize it until treatment. Your body can "make up pain". You really feel you are in pain and everything tells you that you are, but medically you are not. I can honestly say I was not addicted at this time, i did it more for attention. When I first got sick I realized I was getting the attention I was thirsting for so badly, but not getting. I found myself "creating" the pain so I would feel loved.
- My marriage did not end because of my addiction. A lot of people think that, and that is ok because I dont feel comfortable going into details. I just want people to know my drug use may have played a small part, but it was not the reason my marriage ended. I ended my marriage because I was living in hell on a daily basis.
-I made A LOT of bad choices during my active addiction. I was disfellowshipped from the church, which hurt a great deal! I had to miss the sealing of my Older brother and sister in law because of it. I also sat in Sacrament meeting more than once with my nieces and nephews, younger cousins, Grandparents (the entire family) while I was not able to take the sacrament. It was very humiliating, but something very necessary in the repentance process.
- In treatment the first time I left so many things out. I said enough to get by, but not a lot to be completely honest. I will reiterate, WE are only as SICK as the SECRETS we Keep! My secrets kept me sick, even when I was not actively using.
- I am extremely embarrassed about my using, humiliated actually. I am NOT PROUD of being an addict. It is not something I feel good about in any way. It is an embarrassment not only to me, but to my friends and family. I dont want my posting to seem as though I am saying what I have done is ok. It is not OK. But, the past is the past. I cannot change the past. I also wouldnt change my trial. I was thinking yesterday about the whole genetics thing. With it being in our family (I am not the only addict in my family), I was wondering why with five children why it had to be me. Than I asked myself if I would really change it. Would I really want one of my other siblings to suffer this devastating disease? NO! As much as I feel why me, I would never wish this upon any of them. I love them way to much to ever even think about them suffering this way. So, this is my trial. This is my burden to bear.
So, there are your random thoughts for the day. As addicts we do something called mind running, although I think everyone does it. It is mainly where we just sit and think. Well, some posts may come from that. Thanks for listening!
Just for today I will realize how lucky I am for the support I have received, for the knowledge I have that I CAN and WILL overcome this disease, and for the love of you, my friends.
Love,
Jami

My Story

2009-03-14T16:45:00.002-06:00

Warning: Long Post
Sorry i didnt have a chance to post yesterday, but I had a great day! I want to thank you all for your love and support! I just wish i could speak to you all personally, but know I appreciate you all and pray for you also. For Lynne who posted anonymous, please e-mail me at jami.carter@adeccona.com. I would like to speak to you by phone as there are a lot of things we have in common and I would like to talk to you personally. In the mean time, know I am praying for you and your Father in Heaven loves you!
Today I need to tell my story so you know where I am coming from. Those who know me and have gone through my struggles with me may remember things differently or may have their own opinion, and that is ok. We all preceive things differently and remember different details, but this is my story that I am working on.
I was raised in an active LDS home with five siblings. When people find out I am an addict I am always asked if I had a bad childhood. I did not. In fact I had a wonderful childhood. My older sister, brother and I were born within three years of each other with my younger sister 5 1/2 years after me and my youngest brother three years after that. All of our extended family was close and we all got together each sunday. First at one grandparents house than to the other. We had struggles like all families do, but in all it was a wonderful childhood. We are all very close to all of our aunts, uncles and cousins (I mean ALL of them) and all of my grandparents are still living. I couldnt ask for anything better.
I was in student government all three years of Junior High and the worst day of my life was when I didnt make cheerleader in 9th grade. My Sophomore year in High School was great. I had a lot friends and went to all of the dances. The summer before my Junior year in High School I modeled for what was then ZCMI. I love it! It was one of the best summers of my life. The night of the homecoming dance my Junior Year i started having very bad pains in my stomach. Up to this point I was pretty healthy, but I still remember the pain that night. My aunt and was over to help me get ready and I remember her and my mom giving me tums and ibuprofen. I sat outside with a cold washrag on my forhead thinking I was too hot. I still went to the dance, but I did not feel well. The next couple of months was a battery of tests and hospital visits. I still remember the first time they gave me demorol in the hospital. My grandma Carter and my Mom were there. I remember they gave me the shot and it was the first time the pain was gone completely from when it started the night of the dance. Anyway, they finally did surgery and found I had endometriosis on my nerve endings. (Endometriosis is pretty much scar tissues on your ovaries). I was ok for a couple of months and the pain came back. This went on for years. I missed most of my junior and senior year of high school, having a home and hospital teacher come to my house. I still went to all of the dances and participated in as much of the social aspect as I could. I was registered in a lot of AP classes, so I went to classes when I could. It was hard but I was in too much pain to go to school. At that time I was taking Talwin (an old school narcotic pain medication) or lortab. I went on to College and worked at Nordstrom. The pain continued but I was getting used to it. It continued this way for awhile. I ended up quitting college and working at a bank. I was pretty happy. I loved my job and I didnt think the pain meds were a problem.
My husband and I started dating in May of 2003. That February I had fallen and dislocated my knee cap. Another reason for pain meds. My husband and I were married in the Ogden Temple in September of 2003. Probably one of the worst days of my life. I remember sitting in the room before we were sealed, bawling. Not because I was happy, I just wanted someone to come tell me I didnt have to do it. Nobody did, so I married him. I was extremely sick to my stomach the whole time (I was not taking any pain meds at this time) and knowing I was making a very bad decision but I figured it was done, so I had to live with it. I got knee surgery the week after that and was given Percocet and Soma. It was at this point where I started using out of control. My marriage was a living nightmare (I am not going into details because I know I have family members reading this and there are some things they just dont need to know). I was going through hell and taking the pills was the only way I knew to "get out" of the situation mentally. I left my husband on Christmas Day of that same year, but those were four of the most horrific months of my life. By this point mentally I had to take the pills to get through anything. I was addicted. I continued using daily, getting demorol shots when I could. I moved into a house with roomates and made their lives miserable also. I dated quite a bit, lost contact with my family and made some terrible decisions. The drugs controlled my life in every way. I had tried to go to two different counselors but both times when I tried to explain what I had been through I was told they couldnt "handle" dealing with the things I had gone through. I figured nobody cared or was willing to help, so I kept using.
I continued to go to church off and on, but the drugs were now my God. They controlled everything. I met someone else and we wanted to get married. At this point I went to my bishop about other things, but not the drugs. I still didnt want to stop. That May my family and my fiance pretty much forced me into treatment. I went kicking and screaming. I spent almost the whole time in treatment the first time convincing everyone else that I was an addict. I "only" used prescriptions that were actually written by doctor (actually written to me), I only had one doctor, and only swallowed the pills (rather than crushing them). I was pretty good at playing like i was doing wonderful. I love the "pink cloud" feeling after treatment the first time. I finally felt free. My fiance and I broke up, but we are still very good friends to this day. I "transitioned" from treatment on 06/06/2006. Everything seemed like it was going perfect, life couldnt be better...
I didnt realize my story was so long. I am skipping a lot of details because I dont want to bore you. I will tell the rest on Monday. I am taking Sunday off. thank you again for your love and support. We are all in this together!
Love,
jami

Wow

2009-03-12T16:39:00.002-06:00

I am so grateful for Stephanie and her encouragement. I have received so many e-mails and comments concerning this blog and addiction in general. I am going to address all of the questions and concerns people have brought to my attention as they have read my blog, it just may take a while. I promise I will address EVERYTHING. Please continue to comment and ask questions. If I dont know the answers or have the best advice, I know where to go to get them. So please know you can ask anything.

I do want to make sure people understand I am not doing thig blog because I think I have all of the answers. I do not. I struggle every day with this disease! I will post my story tomorrow (hopefully) but I am not perfect. I do not have a lot of clean time, nor do I think I am better than anyone else. Because of my addiction I do not have a good relationship with certain members of my family and I have hurt many. I understand this and am working daily to try to be a better person. One thing I know for sure, it doesnt matter how much clean time we have, all we have is today. And today I AM CLEAN. I can't promise tomorrow, nor can I take back the yesterdays. But, today I am clean. I can't take back the hurt, but I can work on being a better person. Hopefully one day my relationships with those I care about will be better than ever. Today I can't worry about that. Today I need to be selfish and worry about myself and doing the best I can in my recovery. To many this may sound rude and selfish. This is something else I will need to discuss later. But, please know i am trying as many of us are. Whether we are addicts or not, we all have trials and things to overcome.
Just for today I will realize this life is a test, and I cannot pass the test without the help of my instructor, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. DID YOU THINK TO PRAY?
Thanks for you love and support!
Love,
Jam

A Daily Scoop

2009-03-12T16:38:00.001-06:00

I just wanted to thank a new found "blogging" friend. Stephanie Waite lost her 14 month old daughter in a drowning accident last June. My family and I have followed her blog constantly as she is such an inspiration! Not only does she have such a strong testimony, but she is able to convey it clearly, yet eloquently. Her blog has reached hundreds of people and many have had some hard questions for her concerning her faith and her trust in her Father in Heaven. She always seems to answer the questions in a direct manner in line with the teachings of the church. I can't express enough how much her testimony has strengthened mine!

I was praying a great deal about what I could do to overcome this addiction and possibly help others in the process. I cannot deny the answer I received to start an addiction blog. I also knew I should contact Stephanie to see if she had some suggestions on what I can do to get started and where to go. She so graciously said she would do a post about my blog. I can't thank her enough! I have received so many comments, both those to be posted and some private e-mails from others suffering from this devastating disease. I have received comments from those suffering from a multitude of addictions, and those who are going through this with loved ones, all who feel they have no where to turn.Stephanie, thank you so much for your testimony and support. I know I have said this in our e-mails, but you have helped me so much. We may be going through different trials, but our Heavenly Father is aware of our struggles. I strongly believe he puts people in our lives for a reason, and although I have never met you, I know you are in my life for a reason.To see the post Stephanie did to introduce my blog, go here. Thanks again Stephanie! I Love You!

Lessons Learned

2009-03-11T13:52:00.002-06:00

I know this is my second post, but I really needed to post an update after my cravings post. I spoke about my weekend and I wanted to point out some things I learned.
I think the biggest thing I noticed was how K's family thought it was a choice. I know my family feels the same way. We "choose" to take the drug or drink. My Dad gave me a saying that says "You can choose your own choices, But....You can't choose your own consequences." If only an addict could choose. I know our families think we choose this way of life, but we dont. If we could "choose" to stop, we would in a heart beat. Do you really think we find joy in using?
It is different when we have been clean and sober. We are able to take a minute to process our thinking and make a sober decision. It does not mean we will make the right decision, but we have the luxury of thinking before we act. Life is all about choices. In the program it is stressed over and over and that we are now able to make choices. Before we didnt have the luxury of making choices. The only thing we thought about was how we were going to obtain our drugs (or alcohol). I have been told so many times by those that love me that I didnt have to take the pill. I wanted so badly not to. But physically, emotionally, and psychologically I had to have my "fix"
President Boyd K. Packer said it best when he said, "Addiction has the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency. It can rob one of the power to decide." There you have it. We no longer have the power to decide for ourselves. The addiction decides for us. When I saw K and his family my heart just broke for them and his family. Because I care about him, I wanted him to be sober too. I was angry on one side, but on the other side I knew the darkness he feels. I know how frustrating it is when your family is so upset. Why don't they understand? Why don't they know you cant just stop? We try so hard, but it is no longer a choice. It is mandatory for us to survive.
Just for today I have a choice! I dont necessarily like having to feel emotions, but just feeling is worth it. I am so happy to be clean and sober today. My family may not want to have anything to do with me (which I completely understand because all I have put them through), but I love them. I was able to talk to my niece for a few minutes today and it was worth more than you know. i strive to be a better person every day. My prayer is that family and loved ones of addicts can learn from this blog about this addiction and how powerful it is.

I MADE IT

2009-03-11T13:30:00.002-06:00

Well, yesterday is over. Did I stay clean...YES. Was it easy....HECK NO! It was SO hard! I had to go to court for some mundane thing, but it kept my mind off using. That took me a few hours, so that was ok. It kept my conscience mind off using at least (there is a HUGE difference between conscience and unconscious thinking when it comes to using. Maybe I will get into that someday). I went home to take a nap for a while. Sometimes when I am having cravings I feel safest at home. I know I dont have anything there I can use, so I ground myself to my house. I also have my step working guide and most importantly, my scriptures there. While I was sleeping I received a phone call. Heavenly Father guided my Grandma and Grandpa Carter to call me. I KNOW they were prompted to do so. I have hurt them SO much in the past, even just recently. They still called to tell me they had read my blog, and they wanted to make sure I was ok. They wanted me to know how much they cared, and that they really just wanted me to be happy. I tear up just thinking of it now. They truly just want me to be happy. My Grandma said in reference to just taking it five minutes at a time, she said, "just take it five minutes at a time for your Grandma". Well Grandma, I took it five minutes at a time and here I am, clean and feeling much better today than I did yesterday. I won't say I'm quite as happy yet, as the cravings are still here today, but today, I can deal with it. It is much better than yesterday. As an addict, sometimes that is all you can ask for, just ask that each day be a little better than the last. And today, it is. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa, but most importantly, thank you Heavenly Father for being my constant companion, for welcoming me with open arms, and most importantly, for giving me the strength to make it through another day! I Love You!

Thanks for all of your love and support!
Love,
Jam

P.S. I do not post to get sympathy or "love" from those that care about me. I post because I am trying to help others know how we feel as addicts, help other addicts know they are not alone and because it is VERY therapeutic for me to write what I am feeling.

I'm having Cravings

2009-03-10T11:43:00.003-06:00

So, I had so much I wanted to go into today...things I learned this weekend, if addiction is a choice yada, yada, yada...But, life happened.

Today, I am having cravings. I want to take a pill SO BAD! Cravings are normal, but they are so hard! I have no reason to use. Nothing drastic has happened, and I have nothing stressful coming up. I just want to use. For an addict, it is that simple. We just start craving the drink/drug and it consumes our minds. My mind is consumed on how I am going to get the pills. In the past it was a call to the doctor, a trip to the ER, anything. I won't say those thoughts havent crossed my mind. Believe me, they have. I learned in treatment that you cant control the first thought, but you can control the second. That has worked for me so many times. But today, it hasnt. I just go back to wanting to use. I can't seem to stop the urge, the thoughts. My mind tells myself everything will be so much better if I use. My mind and body have convinced me that I NEED the drug. OH, how it hurts. It hurts so bad. Not in the physical "ow" sense, but in every other way, it hurts. I feel like I am in this swirling black hole. I feel like I am drowning and the only way to breathe is to take a pill. I feel so alone and so desperate. I want so badly for this to stop. Oh, Heavenly Father, why cant you just take away this pain, this addiction?

For those that arent addicts the answer seems simple. Just dont use. Why would you even consider it? I even tell myself that I have come so far, why lose it all now? I know I am very happy in my sobriety, so why compromise that? If only it were so easy. The grasp of addiction is so strong. It holds you mentally, spiritually and physically. I try to be honest with myself, it is really the grasp of Satan. I feel like the following scripture applies to my situation:

Alma 36:18 "...O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death."

Lord, please have mercy on me. I ReAlLy dO nOt want to use today. I want to stay clean and sober and lead a happy productive life. I want to be an example to others. I just dont know how. The only thing I could think of was to write how I was thinking / feeling today. I know others can relate. Maybe my loved ones can get a glimpse into how my addict mind convinces me to use. I dont know. I just know I am really struggling. I know I really want to use with every fiber of my being. But, there is that small, sane part of me that realizes what using will do. I'll be honest, when you are an addict you dont really care what your using will do. You just want your "fix". That is one good thing about being clean and sober, you are able to process the situation with a clear mind before jumping back into active addiction. Man, I really want to use though.....

So, just for today (or even five minutes at a time) I will not use. I will think of the blessings in my life that can and will be so much better if I am clean. I will think of the example I can be to others (especially my angel nieces and nephews, whom I could never love more), I will think of my happiness in sobriety, and most importantly, I will remember with the help of my Father in Heaven, I can overcome ANYTHING! Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully tomorrow the cravings wont be so strong.
Thanks for your support!
Love,
Jam

Am I my Brother's Keeper?

2009-03-09T13:28:00.007-06:00

Well, the weekend is over and I hope everyone had a great weekend! Mine was, well, it just was. I am going to tell about my weekend, but I have a million thoughts going through my head. I hope I am able to tell the story and convey the things I learned in a manner that it can be understood. I want to start with a quote by Orson F. Whitney:

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Heavenly Father."

Before I get into my weekend, I want to explain something. When a person goes to treatment or envelopes themselves in the program, they are welcomed with open arms. Some of the greatest friendships I have ever known started from this program. We all become close in a way I cannot put into words. We tell each other EVERYTHING. There is a saying that says "you are only as sick as the secrets you keep" so hopefully all of the secrets come out. It is very refreshing to know you can say anything and everything you have done and thought, and you are not going to be judged. The bond created in those rooms can never be broken. My Dad said it best. He said, "Jami, the people you meet in treatment are TRUE friends. I have no doubt they would take a bullet for you if they had to. Regular friends wouldnt be so willing." There it is in a nutshell. We all come from different backgrounds, religions, social status', we used different drugs, are different ages, and different family dynamics, but one thing is for sure, we are addicts and we understand each other. Once you walk into that room it does not matter how much money one person has, what position one may hold at work or in the community / church, or who is the best looking. The only thing that matters is that we are all children of our Heavenly Father, and we are all there to get help, and help others in return. Which leads me to my weekend and my question, "Am I my brother's keeper" and "How far do you go for someone you truly care about?"

I have one particular guy in my group who I became close to. He is close to my age and we had a lot of the same problems in regards to pills. He has been off the pills for years and was back into treatment for alcohol (he since dropped out of treatment). His wife is also an alcoholic and they are separated off and on. They have four children ranging in age from five to 16 who are suffering GREATLY because of this disease. In treatment this guy (who we will call Kirby, random I know, but we are going with Kirby) was told by group members and the counselor that the best thing for both he and his wife was for them to get divorced and work on themselves. That is a whole different story. (BTW, I was given permission by "Kirby" to write about this on the blog. He is a big fan of the blog and would like others to learn from his experiences also).

On Thursday Kirby's wife entered detox for alcohol. Now, I have gotten to know Kirby's wife quite well, and she is an amazing woman. She made the decision on her own to go to detox and treatment, and I am so proud of her! So, Thursday night I spoke to K and he was drunk. I asked him if he had anymore alcohol in his house, and he said no. I reminded him that he was responsible for his kids and they needed their Dad to be sober. He told me it was gone. He was responsible for the five year old all day the next day so I asked him to promise me he would not buy liquor that day. He promised me he would not take his daughter to the "licorice" store. I spoke with him a few times during the day on Friday and he seemed ok. Friday night I went to pick him up to go to a meeting and he had been drinking. He said his wife's family had been calling him all day blaming everything on him and he just couldnt handle it (that is how we think). I asked him where the liquor was and he said it was gone. I opened the fridge to check and asked him where he usually kept it. He showed me and there was no liquor. Being an addict, I knew that was too easy. I continued opening drawers and found a full liter of Whiskey. So, he had lied to me. He had looked me in the eyes and lied to me (sound familiar family?) I asked him if we could dump it out and he said if he could have one last drink. I told him I was not going to stop him, but I would be very disappointed. Now, just to clarify, I NEVER pour out someone else's liquor and dump their drugs. I do not believe in that. I will explain sometime. He poured himself one more drink and then dumped the rest of the bottle. I was so proud of him...it all begins with baby steps. I then continued to search the house. I found many empty bottles of tequila (his wife's drink of choice) but no more bottles. Now at least I was confident there was no more liquor in the house. Round 1 goes to Jami.

So, I took K to the meeting we were originally going to. (He had been drinking, but he was not drunk). At the meetings, we are just so grateful people are there, whether they have been drinking/using or not. This meeting is kind of a tag meeting. Each person talks and then they pick on someone else and it continues. Well, a guy that I didnt even know knew my name called on me. I know it was my Heavenly Father guiding me. I said the things I felt in my heart to say and I moved on. There were quite a few people both K and I had been through treatment with at the meeting, so we stayed and talked. They offered K a great deal of support and I know it meant a lot to him. Then, we started home.

On the way home K received a call from his mother. She was plastered (very drunk) and was at his house. She wanted to "talk to him". Let the battle begin. We arrived at his house and the first thing that happened was his mother asked me to leave. This family has a tendency to get violent when alcohol is involved, and they end up with the police involved. I knew if I left K would either end up in jail or he would commit suicide. So, I stayed. The "family" consisted of K (who was now drunk), his drunk mother, his mother in law, and his two oldest children (13 and 16). The argument started with why he went to the meeting. His mother said he didnt need a meeting (are you kidding me?). It then turned to what our relationship was (again, they dont understand how close you get in treatment. They also dont know I am very close to his wife) Finally, K asked what they all wanted him to do. I tried to explain to them that this was a family disease, that they need to look at their part in the situation, and they need to go to meetings and get help too. Ever tried to rationalize with a person who is drunk or high? (My family is so laughing right now. I know, I am getting a taste of my own medicine) Ya, it doesnt work. It was kind of nice to be the only one clean and sober. I was the only one who kept my voice down and who made any sense. I realized how nice it was at that point in time. That used to be me, and if I am not extremely careful, it will be me again. K's Mom at one point said she was going to call the cops. Call them for what? To say she is more intoxicated than anyone? Come on lady, you are embarrassing yourself and your family (been there, done that)

Remember how I said K was asking his family what they wanted him to do? This was their answer, plain and simple, "dump her (as if we are in a relationship where I could be dumped, huh?), get a job (he has criminal charges pending because of which he lost his job) and quit drinking. Be a Dad and be happy with Mom." And then they all held hands and skipped into happily ever after. Ya, right. That got me thinking, do people really think this is a choice? Do you really think we can just stop drinking or using? I will go into this in more detail tomorrow, but it is not a choice.

They finally decided he needed to leave and get his stuff together. I took him to my house so he could sleep off the alcohol. I spoke to him in great lengths about going to detox and entering the 28 day in patient treatment program. He had always used his children as an excuse, where would they go? I explained to him they were now safe (with the Grandma who wasnt drinking), his wife was safe, and now he could be safe too. Now was the time to turn his life around.

The next morning after we both woke up I told him I was still taking him to the hospital to detox. He seemed reluctant, but he went with me. As we were waiting, he told me he had been trying to think of a way to MaNiPuLaTe me all morning so I wouldnt bring him. I told him that wouldnt work. I can mAnIpUlAtE with the best of them, that is what we addicts do. He said he knew that, which is why he could not come up with anything. We waited in the ER for over five hours for him to get admitted into detox. Once I knew he was going to be admitted he asked me to leave (wow, what a thanks that was) so I did. He is now safe in detox, and hopefully he will make the decision to enter the in patient program. I also pray his family will take ownership of their part and support both him and his wife in their recovery. If the family is not willing to change, the change of the addict / alcoholic is no good. I now know I have done everything possible to help this family, but I can do nothing more. It is now up to them to take the help being offered to them. I am keeping them in my thoughts and prayers, especially the children.

How far is too far when it comes to helping an alcoholic / addict? Are we our brother's keeper? I am curious to see what others think. I know there will be those who disagree with what I did, and hopefully some who agree. But, I would like your honest opinion. I will post my opinion on being my brother's keeper tomorrow. For now, my post is too long. Please, leave your comments.
Thanks for your love and support!
Love
Jam

What causes Addiction?

2009-03-06T10:24:00.003-07:00

Sadly, 23 Million Americans struggle with addiction but less than 10% are getting help. 23 MILLION Americans. I have said before everyone is affected by addiction, some people just may not realize it yet. Addiction is a disease recognized by The American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association. The sad part is there is no known cure. Once an addict always an addict. Addicts can recover, we just need to work one day at a time.

In the program (Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous) we compare the disease to diabetes. With diabetes you have to do certain things to maintain your health, or it can kill you. It is the same with addiction. Addicts have to do certain things daily to maintain our recovery. Otherwise it can and WILL kill you. We understand addiction will lead to one of three things: jails, institutions or death. I have lost friends in the program by overdose, suicide and institutions. The disease is very real.

A few questions that both addicts and family members have concern why? Why do people become addicts? Genetics play a huge part. A person is four times more likely to become an alcoholic/addict if they have a family member who is. 60% of alcoholics/addicts have at least one family member who is also struggling. Many of us carry the gene for addiction, but fortunately it does not go so far. Others carry the gene and struggle with it the rest of our lives. Most addicts also deal with other mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression and mood illnesses. Almost everyone I know in the program has dealt with this and we all have had suicidal thoughts. This also can be dealt with along with the addiction. Many of us have to rely on medication, but others realize they are able to cope without anything. Another big cause of addiction is trauma. Whether a person is traumatized as a child or an adult, this can lead to addiction. I feel this is where my addiction comes from. I went through some traumatic experiences and had pain pills already. I realized I could "get away" from what was happening to me by taking the pills. The sad thing was, by the time I was out of the situation, I couldnt stop using. That was how I started to "cope" with everything. We rewire our brains (if you will) to require that "high" to cope with situations.

I will answer more questions as I continue with the blog. I dont want to make my posts too long. Please love those around you who struggle with addiction. You may feel like they dont care or they dont deserve it. We do care, we do love you and we are trying. We are all children of our father in Heaven and we all deserve it! Just for today I will take a closer look at my defects of character and what led to my active addiction. i will continually take an inventory of myself and strive to become a better person.

If you walked into a Room...

2009-03-05T14:10:00.005-07:00

If you walked into a room, could you pick out which people are alcoholics or addicts? More than likely not. Addicts/Alcoholics do not look a certain way. There are some drugs / alcohol that change a persons appearance such as losing a lot of weight, picking at themselves to cause scars or "slamming" the drugs causing needle marks. There are others who use drugs for years and you would not be able to tell by looking at them.

I was in a meeting a few weeks ago and a couple came up to me. Their daughter, who was about my age, was currently in a treatment program and they were trying to figure out what to do to help her. This family is also LDS, and they are really struggling with acceptance of the disease at this point. The first thing they asked me was "How did someone like you become an addict?" They said they never thought they would see someone like me in an AA/NA meeting. Who is someone like me? I was really pondering this question. At first I let it go to my head, I'm not gonna lie. I had been called a "high class addict" because I did pills with prescriptions, rather than slamming, snorting or smoking illegal drugs. I spent a great deal of time in treatment convincing everyone else I was an addict and I needed to be there. Maybe I was better than these people, maybe I am a high class addict. Then reality set in. What makes me any different than anyone else?

In the program they say a drug, is a drug, is a drug. Also, alcohol is a drug. It does not matter if the drug is illegal or completely legal, an addict is still an addict. The disease is the same. Cunning, baffling and powerful (Alcoholics Anonymous) Addiction can affect anyone. It doesnt matter the age, sex, social background or religion. I never thought I would be an addict. I was given prescription narcotics at the age of 16 for endometriosis. I never tried illegal drugs, drank alcohol or even thought about it. I had a very strong testimony of the gospel and the word of wisdom. So, how did I get addicted? Very slowly and with Satan's help. I will tell my story as time progresses, but now I just want to point out that addiction is not picky. It will affect anyone!

But just as I became addicted one day at a time with Satans help, I can be clean one day at a time with the help of my Father in Heaven. We are children of our Father, and he loves us all. I realized my Father in Heaven was waiting with open arms all those years I felt so alone, I just needed to run to him. Now, as I feel his embrace, I know I can do this. We can all do this! This life is a test and we all have different trials. The great thing is we dont have to do it alone! We have each other and we have our Father in Heaven. So, just for today I will feel my saviors arms around me and bask in his light. I will strengthen my testimony and do what I can to be an example to others. Just for today I will be happy to just be me!

Purpose of Blog

2009-03-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

I have set up this blog for many reasons. The most selfish reason being to help in my recovery. It is very therapeutic for me to be able to write how I am feeling. It is also much easier to explain myself by writing, rather than in person.
The 2nd reason is to help those suffering through addiction. We all have bad days and struggles, but it helps to be able to see another addict going through things and making it.
Lastly, I know a lot of people struggle with addiction in their lives. Whether an addict yourself or have a family member or friend who is an addict, we all struggle in some way. We are all in this together. There are many types of addictions people struggle with, but here is a brief list of some possibilities listed on the LDS recovery website:

Alcohol
Drugs (both prescription and illegal)
Tobacco
Coffee and tea
Pornography
Inappropriate sexual behavior
Gambling
Codependency
Disorders associated with eating
Even Exercise can be addicting

Just within this last week I have humbled myself and realized I can do this. With the Lord's help, I can overcome this disease and be an example to others.

Please feel free to comment or ask questions. I am working a program of complete honesty, therefore I am willing to answer any questions. I do ask that you refrain from personal attacks on me and the wreckage of my past. I will deal with those issues personally when i feel I am ready. I will approve all comments before they are posted, so if you want to ask a question without having your name appear on the comments, that is no problem. Also, if you are not set up to post, you can e-mail questions to jami.carter@adeccona.com and I will answer them on this blog.
Thank you for going on this journey with me!

Hi, I'm Jami, and I'm an addict

2009-03-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

I copied my post from my other blog to give you a glimpse of why I started this one...

Have you ever had one of those days? Ya know, when you feel like you arent living the life you signed up for? Like Heavenly Father mixed up your life with someone elses? Well, I have had one of those weeks. One of those weeks where nothing goes right, the world feels like it is falling apart around me, where i'm really wondering my purpose in life. I mean, did I really sign up to be a prescription drug addict, 29 and divorced with no kids? (Dont get me wrong, I have a WONDERFUL family, a cute townhouse, and a very good job. I dont want to seem ungrateful, but I just need to vent for a minute).

I have really struggled with talking about my addiction on this blog. But, this is something I struggle with CONSTANTLY. This is a daily struggle for me. I have struggled with what those people who dont know this side of me will think, if this knowledge will change their opionion towards me as a person. But, this is me. I am still the same Jami, and if someone wants to judge me, maybe they should here my story before they are so quick to judge. So, here it is. Hi, I'm Jami and I'm an addict. There, I said it.

So, I have really been struggling with why I have to go through this..Ya know, a pitty thing on "why me?" I grew up as a good kid, no drinking, drugs, active in the church with a strong testimony. I was married in the temple and was "destined for greatness!". Well, what happened? I guess life happened. The whole "satan will do whatever he can to turn you away" took over. Why did I let this happen? I look at myself now and I realize I am not who Heavenly Father wants me to be. I am working on it. I am trying daily. Some times I take one or two steps forward, and some days one or two steps back. But I am still a daughter of God, and most importantly, I am STILL destined for greatness! So, why did I decide to say something? Because we arent meant to struggle through life alone. We arent meant to suffer in silence. Also, there are so many addicts (there are many things to be addicted to besides drugs) who feel isolated and dont know where to turn. Also, because I have never felt comfortable talking about how I feel or explaining myself to those closest to me. Those who have been struggling through this addiction with me. So, here I am. I could say so much more of what I am feeling right now, but that will come later. For now, I have taken the step of admitting my addicition to those who may not know Jami as an addict. I have come to realize I need to be open with my struggles and problems. I cant just keep it in and act like everything is ok any longer. I am not a WeAk person (contrary to what other's may think). I am strong and I can do this. So, just for today I will stay clean and realize my worth in this life...I do have a purpose. I may not realize what it is yet, but I do. (Please, if you have questions just ask. I am open and would rather answer questions than have people assume) Thanks for letting me vent...and sorry but this subject will probably come up often.